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                       *DEHYDRATION AND SHAKESPEARE*
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                                                                1-20-99


       It has been many years since I received tenure for my teachings at the
 Harvard School of Literary Sciences and this is my thesis paper.  Enjoy!


        The most famous playwright ever, William Shakespeare (the Bard), is
very often written about.  There must be hundreds of papers written every day
in this modern world on a man that lived over 304 years ago.  His themes, are
still valid today, in a world with computers, microwaves and 5 1/4 inch floppy
diskettes.  The Bard never fails to continue to please audiences ( amazing for
a guy that's been dead for over 303 years and 12 days ) around the world and
in over 75 different languages.  But there is one theme, that is slightly
less well known, but shall never be forgotten so long as I (and a few others)
still stand on this ground we call Earth.  The name of which, is Dehydration.
        The first to recognize the theme of Dehydration, was a 17th century
Finnish Basketball player.  His name was Olaf Shlindgen.  Until Shlindgen's
time, Shakespeare was only thought of in terms of "love" and "death" and
"romanticism" and "little pretty purple flowers", but Olaf was a ground-
breaker -- he changed it all.  And this, is a brief summary, by the world
reknowned Dehydration professor Mi Gniyl of Dehydration:

        "Dehydration, is by far the largest theme evident in the varied
    works of William Shakespeare.  Evidently, he was a large fan of salt
    and wrote often on the effects of salt, on the tongue, and the rest
    of the human body.  You have to realize, that he was a man with no
    medical training -- not even a college education.  For a man, with
    such little formal training, he wrote brilliantly.  Absolutely
    brilliantly.  Then the camels..wait til I tell you about -- "

       Well, you get the point.  It is the satiric wit, and the underlying
element of truth, in Shakespeare's use of Dehydration, that proves him the
greatest Dehydrationist (is this the proper occupational pronoun?) of all
time.  Many non-believers (and if you ask me they should  be burned) have
questioned the great doctrine of Dehydrationism (the correct -ism?).  These
sick people, shall go un-named.  Throughout time, however, there have always
been a few who won't "follow the leader aimlessly without hesitation", what
do I say to them?  I'm not sure, I'm babbling.  Anyhow, the point is, never
eat pastrami in Taiwan unless you have plenty of yogurt.
        Vanilla yogurt.
        The struggle, for Shakespeare, was purely superficial. With
Dehydration, and don't get me wrong, you can stretch almost any plot line.
It's not as if Dehydration is some big farce thought up by a middle school
student with too much time on his hands, but Dehydration is, a rather flex-
ible topic.  Shakespeare wrote at least 7,000 plays (AT LEAST) and every
single one of them has Dehydration in it somewhere, if not everywhere.
        To quote a gorrilla (and a BRILLIANT gorilla at that) " Squawk ".
        That says it all to me.  I mean, yes, slightly undeveloped verbal
skills, but it is evident, that this gorilla is in touch, with his emotions.
Yes, they are primitive emotions, but life could not exist without Dehydration
Some, would even go as far as to say that gasoline wouldnt write books without
Play Doh (this will be discussed in more depth in a later paper).
        In conclusion, I would like to conclude, that conclusively it has been
 concluded that giraffes cannot drink soda.



                I M Lyon                                      12-25-0

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                  *DEHYDRATION IN TOM SAWYER*
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     Dehydration has always been a major theme in southern
literature.  Of course, walruses don't eat oreos.  Mark Twain has
wonderfully used the theme in all 4.333 of his books.  Southern
literature, of course, has such a dehydrating presence because of
all the salt water rivers in the south.  The locals who drink the
water become dehydrated and translate this into writing. 
Naturally, if you ask a horse with seven teeth he will spit out
his gum and hit his mother with your nose   so there is a need to
go to another source.  Mark Twain has provided us with this
source in the same way that toothpaste brings lemonade to
gorillas.
     Sort of.
     In Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain introduces the reader to Aunt
Polly.  In many ways Aunt Polly is a metaphor for string cheese,
which comes from Italy.  In Italy there are aqueducts which no
longer flow, and no longer help civilization flourish.  The
Romans and Tanzanians, of course , were wiped out by a lack of
water.  The Tanzanians played only a minor role however, because
of the blueberry jam incident.  Eventually the Romans were
resurrected in the form of a colony of south Asian cow flies but
they were ransacked by a herd of dead people and instantly turned
into egg nog.
     In Tom Sawyer, Tom goes to Sunday School and buys a free
Bible.  In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, God rests on the
7th day after creating birds, dogs, and in a great burst of
depression, New Jersey.  The 7th day of course, is called Sunday.
When God rested in his new home, Botswana, he was unaware of the
effects of his ingeniously engineered super star -- powerful,
compact, and HOT.  That day the sun dehydrated god and turned him
into ketchup.  Then Jed took over.  After that the book of
Genesis discusses mayonnaise and proper dental hygiene.
     A reporter once asked Mr. Twain whether or not he enjoyed
bleu cheese, he replied: "I've never been to China, and no, I
won't buy girl scout cookies."
     Obviously we can see that Mark Twain is a proven
Dehydrationist who created great works of Dehydration literature. 
He also stabbed a French man for eating bananas in July before
sundown.  However, we must remember him for his talents and not
his faults.  I leave with the Dehydration motto: "Don't kill a
Vietnamese parrot for fear of oranges, hepatitis, or a
combination of the two."

     
                          ****************
                           *THE PURPLE TIE*
                          ****************
                                
                           by Eop Nalla Ragde
                                
     For one to understand these terms and events as I beg you to see them
one must first clear the mind of previous disillusion and if applicable,
herbal tea.  These events as I may put forth to utterly bore you are not
expected to cause belief, for how could they?  I wish you not trouble your
mind with such things, rather I give you this story so you can read it, and
lounge in your disgust of it for quite some time, all for the sake of my
writing, which is for the sake of my writing as well.
     From hence the sun's rays did shine 'pon my outer realm I have rather
been to  no, rather grotesquely attracted to, purple ties.  Yes, mad you may
call me, but when I should lay eyes on the Thing of such profound sentiment,
it 'twould be as if my self had gone about and in place a greater being had
found.  I alone and other does have this great emotion, and this alone has
separated me   no, (synonym here) from my worldly companions.  For one it is
Cherry Garcia ice cream, another it is Ecuadorian wine, but I alone dance the
dance of...The Purple Tie.
     It is through my childhood that I became an adult as was the case for
most of my kin, and during my early years little did the Thing trouble me yet
now it does come to haunt me.
     I should begin with a day not unlike other days, it was a Friday   nigh,
'twas a Thursday, I remember I had just returned from the Place   the bowling
alley.  Yes, no sooner did I return but was I at It again, "...Two loops
around the little one...behind and through the tunnel...not too tight...don't
choke mr. neck...." .  It was this fury within which had so many a Saturday  
no, Friday morn a nightmare.  But ever on did carry my dirty deed, day after
day, sunset after cat murdering, confession after drinking binge.  Though in
childhood I had been able to much control It, I had just recently been wasting
half a week, dawn to eve, with my dastardly obsession.
     One night after bowling and drinking and dumpster diving I'd returned to
my palace when in the mirr'r was smirking at me what I dare not mention
(suspense)... and low and behold I did not hesitate but to instinctively grab
hold of the scissors at bay that lay before me and remove from It a great part
of It's lower portion.  And then day after day, bowling night after bowling
night I did just to pursue my own motive, wear that thing 'til it killed me to
kill myself and then some.  When finally one day I could not stand nor sit it
any longer I did quickly tear It from my neck, throw open the door on that
stormy night and to the large Oak did I walk.  When I did reach it I hung the
Thing to its earthly form as did not my anger leave me but did stand ever
further back in my chest of drawers.  And it stood limp, floating in the wind
aimlessly like something limp and floating in the wind aimlessly.
     The next day, returned to my usual form of calm madness I returned to
the tree to discover that It was no longer there.  This out of my mind I went
home and drank three barrels of brandy.
     While in Macy's my eye did catch a glimpse of a thing which so tempted
me that I dare not repeat, nor will I because I'm not getting paid by the
word.  But this luscious lavender luminescence had me in its grip so I, out of
not my mind, and because it was 20% off brought it home.  Oh, and the weeks
did go by.  At first, I was blatantly amused by Its wealth of knowledge of
parlor tricks and French culture.  But slowly, gradually It worked Its very
essence into me.  I could no longer bear it.  I was wrong to have it but it
was $100, well counting the sale 80.  Even so, this was too much.  How I had
wronged, I would not take it any longer!!  So back to Macy's I went.  I
entered the store and went up to the register.  I had picked up some routine
items : socks, underwear, t-shirts, a big screen TV that was also a microwave
and set to work proving my guilt.  I walked up to the clerk and said , "I'm
spending $3000, its not like I'd steal an $80 tie!!!"   but no sooner did I
utter the conviction than was a security guard behind me, he searched my
person and found It!!  But there was one thing that I had not noticed
before...Its lower portion was missing!!