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Nathen's Story

    <BGSOUND SRC="pachelbel_canonind.mid" LOOP=INFINITE> This day did not start out like any other day.
    I was afraid to death as I looked down at
    the pregnancy test and saw a positive. I felt like I couldnít breath.
    All I kept thinking was ďIím 17,
    how can I be pregnant.Ē I sat in my room
    for the rest of the day thinking about what I was going to do.
    At around 8:00pm that night Mike called
    me and I told him I was pregnant.
    He didnít even seem scared.
    I think that is because we already knew the
    results before the test was taken.
    A few days later I decided to take another test just
    to make sure and this one was negative.
    I was confused and relieved.
    I knew in my heart that I was pregnant
    but I thought maybe Iím wrong. Mike convinced me to go
    in and see a doctor.
    The doctor did a urine test
    and it came back negative.
    The question remained ďWhy had I not gotten my
    period for the last 3 months?Ē
    I had a blood test done and that came back positive.
    It was conclusive, I was going to have a baby.
    I actually felt relieved when the results came back
    because at least I knew for sure now and
    there was no question. Mike and I
    had no idea what we were going to do but a part
    in both of us was happy about this.
    I was scared but I knew Iíd be a good mother
    and Mike and I were inlove.

    This pregnancy was unbelievably easy,
    I had no morning sickness or anything.
    I went into the doctor at 17 weeks and
    had my first ultrasound.
    We were having a boy! We were really excited.
    Time was going by so fast and I was getting
    big but we still had not told our parents anything.
    Finally when I was 22 weeks pregnant my parents,
    Mike and I were eating dinner when
    my parents confronted us about the baby.
    They had known for a while but were
    waiting for us to tell them.
    I felt a million emotions all at once.
    I was ashamed and knew I had
    disappointed my parents. That night I sat in my
    room again trying to figure out what I was going to do
    because this baby was coming in a few months.
    I decided that there was no way I wanted to stay
    in my parents house and have them raise my baby for me.
    I just felt too guilty to stay there.
    I talked to Mike and he talked to his parents,
    they agreed to let me come stay with them.
    The next moment is something I will never forget.
    I walked into the kitchen where my Dad was
    and told him I wanted to move out.
    He asked where I was going to go
    sarcastically as if he thought I was joking.
    I told him Mikeís parents already said
    I can stay with them. I was crying by now.
    He looked at me in my eyes with this look of shock and sadness.
    He asked me why? I didnít want to stay
    and be a burden with my child. I felt too guilty
    for what I had done. I couldnít face him knowing how
    disappointed he was in me. I went to
    my room and started packing right away. He came in
    and begged me to stay and told me weíd work it out.
    I left that night and broke my Dadís heart.

    The remainder of my pregnancy seemed to fly by.
    The only complaint I had was the backache.
    I went into pre-term labor several times
    and the hospital just would give me a shot to stop the labor.
    I remember laying in bed and crying for my child
    because of everything I couldnít give him.
    I cried for myself and the life I had to give up.
    I knew my life would never be the same
    and that it is now revolved around this tiny person
    growing inside me. A strong bond was
    created between my son and I very soon.
    I knew his likes, dislikes, the way he loved to sleep,
    when he was awake and so on. I wanted to give him a
    name that meant something. It did not take us long at
    all to pick out our sonís name. His first name was Nathen
    after my big brother. His middle name was Michael
    after his daddy. I loved that name right away and
    love it more everyday.

    One night around 8:00 I started to feel some contractions.
    They werenít too bad so I thought if I walked and moved
    around they would go away. I drank lots of water
    like the doctor told me to when these contractions
    would start. They started getting stronger and stronger.
    I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I told
    Mike and his parents that I needed to go now
    because I was again in labor. They did not take me
    seriously and said I was over reacting. They told
    me to calm down and they would go away. I went to
    the restroom and found blood. I freaked out.
    Finally I went to the hospital. By the time I got
    there I was in active labor. The nurses tried to
    stop the labor by giving me the same medication
    that had worked to stop the labor many times for
    me before. This time it could not be stopped. They
    told me I would have to delivery my baby and there
    was nothing they could do. The doctors werenít
    very worried because I was 33 weeks pregnant so there
    was a really good chance Nathen would be okay.
    The labor was going by like a breeze and I refused
    any pain medication. All of a sudden
    Nathenís heart rate started dropping, he was in distress.
    I had to delivery him quick.

    Nathen Michael was born on October 20, 2000 sleeping.
    He passed during the delivery because his cord had been
    wrapped around his throat. He was 4 lbs, 7 oz
    and 17 inches long. When he was born and he didnít
    cry I knew something was wrong. I knew I had lost my
    son. The nurse wrapped him in a blanket and asked me
    if I wanted to hold him. I said yes. She handed him
    to me, he was so small. I sat and held him for hours
    just staring at him. I sang to him and held him and
    kissed him. I opened the blanket and counted
    his fingers and toes. He looked so much like me.
    He had blonde hair and my blue eyes. He had my nose
    and my lips. I remember wondering how my son that
    was so perfect could be gone. I stared at him waiting
    for him to breath and hoping they were wrong.
    What do I do now? I based my life around Nathen
    and now he was gone. When it was time to give Nathen
    up to the nurses I just couldnít. I knew this was
    the last time I could hold him or look at him.
    I knew I had to give him up but I couldnít.
    When I handed him to the nurse I watched her every
    move after that. I watched her place him in his
    little bed and cover him perfectly. She turned and
    walked out of the room with my son. There was
    something in me that wanted to scream for her to
    bring him back and run after her. I just sat there
    looking at the door.

    I was young and Nathen didnít come at
    the best time but I loved him. I wanted
    him and I wouldíve been a good mother if I wouldíve
    had the chance. Nathen was taken before him or I
    ever got a chance. I felt so empty and my heart
    was broken.

    When I got home from the hospital I
    moved back in with my parents. They did their best
    at supporting me in the way they knew how. I knew
    in my heart I belonged with my parents. Soon after
    Nathen passed away Mike and I broke up. I sat in my
    room shut away from the world for weeks. All I
    did was cry. I had lost everything. I had boxes
    of Nathenís things in my room that I didnít have
    the heart to look at or get ride of. Finally,
    I knew I had to get my life back. So, I started
    over from the bottom. Nathen is not something
    I regret one bit. I cherish him to this day and he
    will never be forgotten.
    We love and miss you Nathen.

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