Funny Newspaper Headlines and Other funny Stuff
As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM) :
VALUE YOUR CARD!
Your card should be protected in the same manner as you would handle cash.
Make sure it is returned to you after each transaction.
On page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew catalog (yuppie clothing) that I received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas). The description reads:
Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And unconfining by design. Our wool rollneck, shown here in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos. Unisex sizes. $52.
Unisex sizes?!
Apparently, in the London, Ontario daily newspaper, the city was advertising job offers for firefighters (I heard this on a Hamilton radio station). At the bottom, they had the usual disclaimer:
"The City of London is an equal opportunity employer. We also provide all of our employees with a smoke-free workplace."
I called up the local auto club this morning to ask for a map of Colorado. The receptionist who answered the phone asked me to spell my last name, and then my first name.
Me: "J-U-S-T-I-N."
Her: "Was the first letter 'J' as in Justin or 'A' as in apple?"
With a mind like that, she could be designing rocket boosters for Morton-Thiokol.
This really happened:
This guy I know was calling funeral homes getting information about making "pre-need" funeral arrangements for an elderly relative. The woman he talked with at [name deleted] funeral home, just across the street from St. [mother of God's name deleted]'s Catholic Church told him, "...and that cemetery requires a burial vault. Most of the cemeteries around here now require a vault. The lowest price vault we have is $552. The most popular one is $772 and it comes with a lifetime guarantee."
Joe Blow the aspiring young executive was late for an appointment and in the process of doubling the speed limit in his BMW when a VW beetle pulled out in front of him. He could not slow down fast enough and slammed into the beetle. Surprisingly, the BMW was totaled while the beetle was in good shape. The driver of the compact was amused at the condition of the two cars.
The exec was so enraged that he had a hard time keeping from attacking the driver of the VW. The exec drew a large circle on the ground off to one side.
He said, "You get in that circle and stay there, or I'm going to beat the shit out of you!" The exec got a tire iron out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of the beetle. The man in the circle just smiled. The exec just got madder and madder. He smashed the headlights and tail lights. When he looked back, the other man was snickering to himself. This so infuriated the exec that he smashed in the hood of the beetle. The other man was laughing so hard that he could barely stand up.
Unable to stand any more, the frustrated exec tromped away. About this time a fellow in a pick up truck pulled up and offered the VW driver a ride. "What are you laughing about? He just trashed your car."
"Yeah," the other man replied, "but I snuck outside of that circle three times."
The following was posted on comp.virus (VIRUS-L digest), attributed to John McAfee's (of the Computer Virus Industry Association) BBS.
-To: All Users
-From: John McAfee
-Subject: Reported Possible Virus
I received an unusual call from a Mr. Fred Hankel of Fargo, North Dakota this morning. Mr. Hankel was highly agitated and after hearing his long and involved story, I was moved to pass on this condensed summary to all who might be interested: Mr. Hankel reports, and I have no grounds for doubting, that a computer virus invaded his system from a bingo game he purchased in mid-October. The virus activated at 11:00 A.M yesterday and promptly melted his power supply and mother board. As he reached for the power switch to turn off the machine, the virus blasted a perfectly circular hole in the front panel of his AT clone and left a three foot oval scorch mark on the back wall of his den. I had not heard of this virus before and felt that an alert might be in order. Anyone experiencing similar symptoms should contact us immediately.
Thank you.
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivors of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But more Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hopes for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer kill 17,000
Enfeilds Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Hold Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors