("U.G.L.Y, U aint got no alibi..") Seduction Begins With Your Face... 

so you'd better scrub it up in good ol' cheapskate fashion, just like this: 

1. FOUNDATION 

Like the cheapskate you are, grab all the foundation samplers in Grace Brothers instead of buying a bottle. Mash the foundation together in your hand, a Persian rug carpet, or a siblings' mouth til there's enough sticky sloosh for that *shudder* face of yours. Ignore the funny orangey colour of it - what do you expect if you're gonna be so cheap, huh? now enthusiastically grab handfuls of it like its free female viagra (observe: Caroline Joo) and rub it vigorously onto your face. 

Imagine that your face is a bowlful of French fries, being smothered with tomato sauce (so as to distract the eater from the fact that underneath the sauce, the fries r sizzling with animal fat). Now remember, the thicker, the better. If you cant see any of your original face blemishes, pimples, moles, colour, or shape, it is adequately thick. (observe: L. Murray) 

2. BLUSH 

This one's easy, just grab your sister or brothers red texta and colour in your cheeks. Remember to do one obvious diagonal stripe going from the base of your cheek apples to somewhere around your temple - coz that's the sexiest. If you're looking for a more subtle look, you might want to be daring and try some.. *watercolour paints*. Red watercolour will do nicely for that charmingly faded "Raggedy Anne Cheek Splotch" look. So SPLASH OUT!! consider *BUYING* a tube of red watercolour!!!!!!!!! Certainly, at $1.10 a pop, it is quite a luxury buy and requires considerable musing over. However, to the true cheapskate, a luxury item (even at the extravagant price of ONE DOLLAR *AND* TEN CENTS) is allowable about once every decade. (observe: Grace Chau) So if you're not over budget, GO ahead. SPLURGE. 

3. LIPSTICK 

Grab that trusty old red texta from your sister/brother again (he complaining? Smack That Bitch Up! <observe: Osmanthus Hart-Smith>) and - listen carefully, for this is one of the True Tricks - simply EMPTY OUT THE INK INTO YOUR REMAINING FOUNDATION!!!! then stir it a tad with your finger b4 moulding it to your spitty lips!! Isn't that simply MARVELLOUS, darling??! isn't it the most SMASHING trick?! I thought so too. and the REAL genius about this is that you can correct mother nature - lips too small?? simply fashion bigger ones with your putty-like "lipstick"! (observe: Sheryl Lee. Yes! u thought those lush lips were NATURAL?! think again!) 

N.B: Don't worry about the lips falling off during a passionate embrace. If he's a SNAG, (and/or really hot for you, which you can achieve by following my fellow writers' instructions) he'll understand. 

4. EYELINER, EYESHADOW & MASCARA 

The eyes are the windows to the soul, darlings. So goop them up like there's no tomorrow!! those ugly squinty portholes of yours wont do!!! follow my guide and we'll bash down the walls to create the biggest friggin windows he's ever seen!! First, torture your eyelashes into bending 180 degrees from your eyeball so as to achieve that lovely Disney-cartoon-character effect (observe: Nancy Wei). 

Now, for the mascara, go outside and find some wet cement. Dip your eyelashes into it for truly fat, luscious lashes. Oh your gorgeous, darling!!!!!! Time for the eyeliner! everyone knows the panda look never went out. Minimalist!?!?!?! I shudder at the word. Bah. Grab your scared sister/brother's *black* texta and colour in both eye sockets entirely black. This clever optical trick BOTH widens *and* lengthens eyes. (observe: Grete Chan) 

And as for eyeshadow?? Some of those DAMNED *MINIMALISTS* may claim we already have on enough makeup - BAH!!!!! they know NOTHING. My apprentices, now u must sneak around and try to find a) glue, and b) glitter. 

If glitter cannot be found, despite tornado-like searching, con your parents into buying it by claiming it is needed for "School". Now, plaster the glue onto your eyelids, and pour all the glitter on top of it. If your eyelids are not thick and crusted, and if you find you are able to open your eyelids with relative ease, then there is not enough glitter and u must repeat the procedure. AND YOU'RE DONE! 

Important note: after all this hard work, you must take care to culture a flippant and indifferent attitude to your makeup. Better yet, pretend you're not wearing any and feign surprise if anyone is suspicious (observe: Tash Yang, Sally Ann Foo).

Backtrack... <<<<<<<   >>>>>>> Onward!