More Jokes

Bumper stickers

• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
• Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
• You're just jealous becaause the voices are talking to me not you!
• DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
• You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
• Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
• Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
• GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
• I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• All men are idiots....I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will...I want to be on it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink. We are born naked, wet and hungry...Then things get worse. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else. Honk If You Want To See My Finger.

Funny Useless Information

• The word 'samba' means 'to rub navels together'.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about 30% less chance of surviving then a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occuring, relax and correct itself.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
• 101 Dalmations & Peter Pan(Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
• To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs-it will let go instantly.
• Reindeer like to eat bananas.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
• Mel Blanc(the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
• The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
• More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
• A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
• Before Prohibition, Schlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic Church.
• Kermit the Frog is lefthanded.
• The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
• Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
• The ashes of the average cremated person weighs nine pounds.
• The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of 'F'.
• If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
• If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb.
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Do you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. A cat's urine glows under a black light. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfish have no brains.

Why It's Great to Be A Guy

• Phone conversations last 30 seconds
• You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
• A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
• Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
• You can open all your own jars
• Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
• When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on
• You don't have to lug a bag of
• You can go to the bathroom alone
• Your last name stays put
• You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
• You can kill your own food
• The garage is all yours
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
• You see the humor in
• Cleaning the toilet is optional
• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
• Wedding plans take care of themselves
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can >still be your friend
• Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
• You don't have to shave below your neck
• You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
• If you're 34 and single, no one notices
• Chocolate is just another snack You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything You never have to worry about other's feelings Three pair of shoes are more than enough You can say anything and not worry about what people think You can whip your shirt off on a hot day Car mechanics tell you the truth You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking