More Jokes

Excuses For Calling In Sick

• If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices in my head told me to clean all the guns today.
• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
• On Saturday, I set half the clocks back an hour, I can never remember which it is--accordingly, I will be in late or early.
• I can't come into work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up at work. Okay?
• I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dogs ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma. Or is it 'enema'?
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin and drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

You must read with Chinese accent....

• Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
• Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
• Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
• War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in the basement.
• Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
• Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

25 Snappy Comebacks to The Question..."Why aren't you married yet?"

• You havn't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• What? And spoil my great sex life?
• Nobody would believe me in white.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiance is awaiting parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer hopelessness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
• I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. (Bonus reply...for single moms) Because having a husband And a child would be redundant.