Jokes

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

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30 Harsh Things A Woman Shouldn't Say To A Naked Man

• I've smoked fatter joints than that.
• Ahhhh, it's cute.
• Why don't we just cuddle?
• You know they have surgery to fix that.
• Make it dance.
• Can I paint a smiley face on it?
• Wow, and your feet are so big.
• It's OK, we'll work around it.
• Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
• Oh no...a flash headache.
• (giggle and point)
• Can I be honest with you?
• How sweet, you brought incense.
• This explains your car.
• Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
• Why is God punishing me?
• At least this won't take long.
• I never saw one like that before.
• But it still works, right?
• It looks so...unused.
• Maybe it looks better in natural light.
• Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
• Are you cold?
• If you get me real drunk first. Is that an optical illusion? What is that? It's a good thing you have so many other talents. Does it come with an air pump? So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality? I guess this makes me the 'early bird'?

George Carlin On Shit! (lol)

• Shit may just be one of the most powerful words in the English language.
• You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
• With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
• You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
• You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit, or just shit your life away.
• People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. (?)
• Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shine-ola.
• There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
• There is bull shit, and horse shit, and chicken shit.
• You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
• You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
• You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
• Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
• Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
• You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
• You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
• Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
• Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
• When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
• And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!