Amber, a survivor of a lifetime of childhood custody battles, cuts it off with her birth father at age 19.
Mood:
incredulous
Now Playing: This is her letter to him and she has stuck by it.
By Amber, from her blog: "Ok, so here's my final letter to my dad. I think it is finished...."
Mailed November 2005 ? He wrote back to her once, didn?t apologize, and made excuses about the way he was brought up to be critical just like his mother. If he would just say those two magical words, "I'm sorry" he'd probably get her back. But he won't.
_______________________________________________
Dad,
This letter will be my last contact with you. Before you amplify what I already know you are thinking, let me clarify something: my mom has nothing to do with this. She has not brainwashed me, or initiated this in any way. This is my own decision that I have been anticipating for a very long time.
You?ve hurt me too many times, and I no longer have the tolerance to put up with it. I know I am wasting my time trying to explain the pain you have caused me, but I?m going to make an effort anyway.
In our last meeting, you exposed your true mental age to me. I came to you with a legitimate, adult problem, and asked to talk about it in a mature way. You reacted with a childish tantrum. You made immature remarks, and turned defensive, rather than reacting like an adult. The right way to react to the situation, which is the way they taught you in Willow Springs, was to listen to the way I felt and talk about it, rather than initiate a game of name calling and ridicule.
Some of the things you said cut me deeper than anything anyone has ever said to me, and I will never forget the way it felt to have my own father say those things to me. And when you started raving about me being immature, I asked why, and you said it was because I was being sensitive. This blew me away.
One thing that I learned in Willow Springs [treatment center she went in for 3 months at age 15] is that expressing emotion, and being able to acknowledge your own, as well as other?s feelings, was considered truly mature.
I know that your way of life involves suppressing any and all feelings, but that doesn?t mean you can?t understand that others do have feelings, and that it is important to acknowledge them. Having feelings and expressing them appropriately is human, not immature. I know that you have never understood this simple concept, and I truly believe that you never will.
Throughout my entire life, you have demeaned and degraded me through your pathetic, passive aggressive comments. You got this critical bullshit from your mother. Nothing I have ever done, and nothing I will ever do will be good enough for you.
Although you sometimes say you are proud of me, I am never completely free of your hurtful remarks. You always have some part of my life to criticize, and if you can?t find anything, you bring up my mistakes from years ago, and criticize them instead.
You are so obsessed with molding me into the person you want me to be, that you completely ignore the wonderful person I am today. You can?t seem to understand that your way of life is not the only way to live life happily. These facts that seem so obvious to me, which have been so hurtful to me over the years, are things that I?m sure you will never allow yourself to see.
Not only have you crushed me with your criticism, but you have never viewed me as an adult. You continually treat me like a child with your pathetic attempts to wrestle, and your childish humor. I understand that you don?t know how to express affection, but the wrestling thing is getting a little old. I am an adult now, and adults don?t wrestle to express affection; they hug.
You seem to think that I don?t have the capacity to be an adult, when you are, in fact, the one acting like a child. I am actually much more of an adult than you realize, but you refuse to see it. You missed my childhood because you were too busy obsessing over my future, and you haven?t even opened your eyes and noticed that I?ve grown up. Well, I have grown up, and now I refuse to be treated like less than I am, which is what you are doing when you baby me.
Oh my, and I can?t forget the most important thing: money. You have this sick, unhealthy obsession with money. It has always has been, and always will be, more important to you than your own family, and even your own daughter.
I have always felt second best to your one true love, money. You treat my college fund as if it were your own. Well, if you love it so much, you can gladly have it. I?d rather pay for college on my own, than let you control me with that money.
In fact, I know that if you were to pay my way through college and I were to graduate, you would just love to accept part of the credit for it. You?d insist that I couldn?t have done it on my own, and continually mention that you paid for it all. I don?t want you to have that kind of control over me. So, you can take that college fund, and hang it over someone else?s head because I won?t let you do it to me anymore.
These and many other reasons are why I have made this choice. I know you will never change the way you treat me, or apologize for the things you have done to me.
In fact, I don?t even think the word apology is in your vocabulary. I?m sure you will find a reason to justify your actions to yourself, or turn this around on me. That?s fine. I didn?t write this letter to persuade you into changing; I wrote it to tell you how I feel.
I still plan to be in contact with my grandparents, as well as Melinda, but don?t expect to see me on Christmas. And, furthermore, don?t send me anymore money. I don?t want it. You seem to love it more than you love me, so enjoy it because you won?t have me to enjoy anymore. Also, you can go ahead and cancel my health insurance. I?d rather not have any health insurance than be tied to you in any way.
This is not a joke, nor will my feelings about this decision ever change. I have been waiting a long time to do this, and have always felt that I wouldn?t have the courage to do so when the time came, but you have pushed me past my fears with your hurtful remarks.
Also, don?t expect me to be crawling back to you, apologizing. I won?t be doing that because I have nothing to apologize for. I have only expressed to you my feelings, something that I have been trying to do all along, which is no reason to apologize.
And, if you someday realize your wrong doings, which I highly doubt, and decide to apologize to me, don?t expect me to forgive you. An apology will not change the way you continue to treat me. I am not doing this because I hate you, but because I can?t stand being hurt by you anymore. I am just trying to protect myself.
Good luck in your never ending quest for more money, and less humanity. Maybe someday you will attain them and finally be happy.
Amber
irritated
hug me