Our Angels
In loving memory of Job, Mary & Joshua Swanson, born still on April 9, 1993
On December 31, 1992, after years of infertility treatments, I found out I was pregnant. Here's my journal entry from that day:
Today I found out that I'm pregnant! Well, actually yesterday I took a home test, and we confirmed it with a blood test at the doctor's office today. Needless to say, I'm feeling a whole gamet of emotions, everything from happy, elated and thrilled to scared out of my mind. I'm going to keep this journal throughout my entire pregnancy, so that I may look back on it when it's over and also to, perhaps, give to my daughter when she becomes pregnant herself one day. The thought of carrying a life inside of me is quite overwhelming. I feel as though I have been truly blessed. God took time out of his day to smile directly on me. It's a wonderful, special feeling.
On January 29, 1993, we found out we were having triplets. Here's my journal entry from that day:
Well, today we found out we're having not one baby, not two babies, but THREE BABIES! Yep, we're having TRIPLETS! I can hardly believe it. It's mind boggling to think of having three babies all at once ~ instant family, just add water. At least I'll never have to worry about getting pregnant again. I finally started getting sick this week. I feel like I'm on a boat all day long. Hope this doesn't last too long. I've got so much to do because the doctor said I won't be able to do anything after the middle of May except rest in bed. I'm going to go crazy, but it's worth it to have three healthy babies.
On April 4, 1993, our lives where to be forever changed. Around midnight, my water broke. We rushed to the emergency room where an ultrasound showed it was one of the babies, so, there was a small chance that the other two would survive. That was not to be. An infection started pre-term labor, and on Good Friday, April 9, 1993, at 8:19p.m., Job, Mary & Joshua Swanson were born. Here's my journal entry from April 13, 1993, the day after their funeral.
Last Friday we lost the babies. After 16 hours of labor, they were born. Of course none of them made it. I can't explain how I feel. The sheer despair is overwhelming. We had them baptized in the hospital. We named them Job, Mary and Joshua. They were so tiny. We buried them yesterday. Their casket was so small that the cats wouldn't have even fit in it. I don't know what to do. I've lived that last almost 5 months for my babies. I'm so lost and afraid. I don't want to forget them, but the thought of them is so painful. They were perfect. I know I have to go on, but it's so difficult. All I can think about was the plans we had made and how happy we were. We loved them so much.
So I guess this is the end of this journal. Mary will never see it. She will never have babies. I just pray that they're all safe and that God is taking care of them. Someday, when the tears subside, we'll try again. All I can do is pray that there will be a better outcome. Until then, I will mourn for my babies. I will pack this journal away with their other things, and maybe someday, it will provide me comfort. Goodbye babies. I love you so much.
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Mary's Footprints
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Job's Footprints
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Joshua's Footprints
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If you have suffered the death of a child, please visit the Pen-Parents Home Page. Pen-Parents is an international support network for bereaved parents. I wouldn't have made it through my loss without Pen-Parents, and I'm pleased to be the current Director. Meeting other bereaved parents and helping them on their grief journey is a gift and a legacy left to me by Job, Mary & Joshua. Thank you babies!
Please click here for additional pregnancy and infant loss resources.
Awards
Thanks Tami!
