You MIGHT Be A Redneck If ......
More than one living relative is named after
a southern Civil War general.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that spam on a saltine is an hors d'ouevre.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips
before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice
as wide as the front ones.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
Your mother keeps a chaw (spit) cup on the ironing board.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
"Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
(If they respond with the same, then they're rednecks too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler
is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him
remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show him your belt buckle.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have
an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message:
"for a good time call ...," because you suddenly feel guilty about putting it there...
Your dad walks you to school because you are
both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
it in prison.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance
in your front yard.
Someone in your family says
"Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and
you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are
the three primary colors.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
cause there is a law against it.
A sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the local bar.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.