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Words

I'm making preparations to get my heart broken again.
I've stocked up on tissue.
My favorite blanket is waiting.
I've bought an entire carton of cigarettes
and a couple bottles of booze.
My notebook is ready to catch my tears as i write my sorrows.
I've already wrapped my heart in duct tape so the damage won't be too severe
and I've got an entire bottle of pain killers tokeep the aching to a minimum.
I'm ready this time.
Bring it on.
I'll be okay.

I spread my heart open
opened it wide and deep
you peeked your eyes inside
you reached in
tickled it for awhile
caressed it for a bit
then you grabbed hold of it
held it in your hands
poked...
prodded...
admired
then you shoved it into your mouth
chewed it up
swished it around
and spit it out
i have no heart left to give
just an empty cavern
left by you

i asked him once if there was anything i could do to make him happy.

he said there was nothing i could do to make him feel content.

i realized that now is my chance to redeem myself.

this is the only thing i could do to bring happiness to his life.

i'm giving him all i can give.

i'm giving him my all.

i'm giving him the love he could never have with me.

i'm giving him the best thing in my life.

i'm giving him...

YOU.

As I laid my head on your shoulder you said,
"We're just friends, right?"
And with those few words every pain I had ever felt came flooding back to me.
Every scrape
Every bruise
Every cut
Every bump
And
Every heartbreak.
I removed my now leadened cranium from your cold shoulder and replaced it to its original position.
That was when I had to admit it:
"Yeah. . . we're JUST friends."

I walk around with your betrayal
My heart ripped out and knife in my back
I could never forget the things you did
I pretend my hanging heart doesn't reach the ground,
And the stab wound in my back doesn't hurt
I've even learned to hide my afflictions
But every so often I am reminded
And now it's getting harder to hide

I had a dream about you last night. It seemed so real.
I looked into your eyes and felt your arms wrapped around me.
Suddenly everything went back to how it was last summer.
I felt warm, safe and content. I loved looking into your eyes
and feeling your embrace. When I woke up I felt this huge
emptyness within myself. It's been nearly a year since I've
really felt you; been with you. I miss you. I closed my eyes
to go back to sleep. Back to my dream. Back to you, your eyes
and your embrace. When I opened my eyes again, there you were.
I stared into your eyes, wrapped my arms around you and held
on tightly. I held on so tightly because I knew that conciousness
would soon tear me away from you.
Away from your eyes.
Away from your embrace.

I've been thinking of hanging out at the airport lately. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I'm sick of watching the same, stupid people day in and day out. Maybe I'm hoping to meet a new stranger. Maybe I'm hoping to get on one of those airplanes and fly away. That would be nice. To just step aboard with no clothes packed, no toothbrush, no cares . . .

I hate you!

I hate the new girls you've kissed!

I hate your new "girl"!

I hate the fact that I'm so upset over you!

I hate that I'm so fucked up because of you!

I hate that you totally shit on me!

I hate the fact that you never deserved me!

I hate how I still cry for you!

And I hate that I'm here writing about how much I hate you!

I am so scared, so lonely, so small.
You don't see me
You don't hear me
You don't know me
I am always sitting here alone
being scared
being small
I don't see you
I don't hear you
I don't think I even know you anymore
I am hurting
I am crying
I am bleeding
My tears run to blood
and the blood washes away the pain
until you come along again
to finger my open wound
but still . . .
You don't see
You don't hear
and
You don't know

Why did you have to do this to me? YOU, of all people. I let you in. I let you SEE me. I let you FEEL me. I let you KNOW me. You took all that you SAW, all that you FELT, and all that you KNEW. You took it away from me. You took it, you stuffed it in your mouth, chewed it up and then spit it in my face. And when I reached for a tissue to wipe it off you took that too. You took it and you wiped your ass!

I always play these conversations in my head. Conversations that I know will never take place. I play them over and over always making sure that I say the right thing. Making sure you ask the right questions just so I know that I have the right answers. And in these conversations you have just the perfect response and reaction.
You ask me, "What's wrong?" and I tell you that I love you, would do anythign for you and would never ever hurt you again. (Knowing that I would never actually have the guts to really say these things.) But, you reply, telling me that you love me too. That you always have, but that you were scared to tell me before. I tell you that there was never any reason to be scared and that things willbe all better forever.
That's when I'm brought back to reality by the sound of your voice... "What's wrong?" you ask. And I reply by saying, "Nothing, I'm fine."

she believed the promises you made
she began living them
so perfectly you danced along to the songs your wrote for her
the melody of your arms wrapped around her
the harmony of the kisses on her neck
the two of you hummed along
the beats landed perfectly like words in her ears
your voice sang the lyrics to live by
then one day, you stopped singing
the music went silent while you fumbled for the words
the song has changed
so perfectly she dances alone to the song you wrote for her

I had a great time this past weekend. It was fun. But it will never compare to the weekends I spent withyou. Those were real. No posing. Just pure, absolute happiness. Doing nothing at all with a huge, stupid grin on my face. And when I would look over at you I saw that same stupid grin plastered across your face. But then it ended. You ended it. And now I look back and wonder why you had that stupid grin. What were you really smiling at? Am I the butt of some sick joke that only you knew the punchline to?

I remember you left your "smell good" cologne soap in my shower. I loved the smell of that soap. I loved it because it smelled like you. I loved your smell. I would wash myself with that soap just so that I could smell you all day long. I remember when you would get out of the shower, wearing the towel around your waist. I could smell the soap on you. All I wanted to do was hold you. Lay my face against your still moist stomach. I loved your stomach. I loved your smell. I loved the way your stomach smelled. It's so weird. After all that has happened between us and all that has ended between us, these are the memories that are most vivid in my mind. This is what I miss the most about you. And, God, I miss it so much.

blue meets brown meets white meets blue meets sky meets orange and grey
chipped polish
tiny scabs
you've been rid of me
you're done
tattered couch
pictures make no sense
words say nothing
but i am here
pen in my hand
heart on the floor

i'm stuck in a reality that seems so unreal
i'm stuck in a life that seems like death
my sky is green
my grass is blue
the air is dry
and tears still wet
home is hell
and here i am

The waves rush in
Shooting stars soar
In your arms I feel so safe
This is so surreal
Could this be true?
I wish nights like this would last forever
I wish it would never end
I am so content
This smile will never fade
As long as you're there to watch it stay

This is a poem by my friend Brittany

Don't tell me you're sorry
Don't tell me you stll love me
How can I believe you?
You betrayed my trust and took so many things away from me
I dont need your explanations
I was your ticket out of here
Now I'm leaving you here

I'm not crying for you

I smile as I imagine you out of my life
Ten minutes is too far to go
I won't be there as you sleep
Such a silent and cold room
You'll have plenty of time to think
My bags are packed, my eyes are dry
and through the walls, I hear you cry

But I wont cry

I can't be who I am when I'm with you
And I won't cry
So how does it feel to be me?
I see it in your face
You're sorry
But that doesn't change the past
Yours or mine
You made me promise we'd be friends
I lied
A friend would never do this to me
I'm not crying for you

I keep forgetting that you don't love me anymore
(not sure if you ever did)
I keep forgetting that things will never be the same again
(were they ever what I thought?)
I keep forgetting how you made it so clear
You've moved on
I'm stuck in a place that I can't seem to escape

For: My Dad
As I held your hand, I looked up into your eyes
You stood so tall, you were so high
Little did I know
Slowly I watched you crumble
Your life fell apart
I watched it fall
Before long, I was looking down
How could you?
Lie after lie, I tried to believe
But once again I was betrayed
How could you?
No more chances
Instead of looking up towards you or down at you
I won't look at all

I lie awake in bed
I wonder what you dream of now
As you lay asleep do your thoughts ever wander back to me?
Mine have never left you
Sometimes I wish I could forget
I wish my dreams would go away
When I awake I realize that these are nightmares
Disguised by your face

You had a castle built around yourself
with only room for one
I tried so hard to get in, or let you out
But that drawbridge weighed a ton
I guess I tried too hard
cause you just stayed inside
I wanted in there with you
but you remained in there to hide
I never saw inside your castle
You never let me in
You stayed in there alone
I got too tired to try again
I guess I'll never win

You weren't everything you should have been
things are never perfect
but what I did was a mistake
I never said it was right

Even though you could be so fucked up
I never doubted you
You hurt me time and again and i took it
there's my excuse!

I never knew the real you
you never made sense
constantly together, little understanding
I thought you were real

I never tried to trick you
I MEANT EVERYTHING I SAID!!
you never opened up to me
you played with my head

the only thing i got from you
was a broken heart
the emptyness I will always feel
There's no excuse

When you kiss me I wish it was with his lips
When you touch me I wish it was with his hands
When I look into your eyes, they turn from brown to blue
With your arms around me, I long for him
I'm sorry but you could never be him
I'm sorry but I could never be yours

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