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 Apparently, I am sexually inadequate,
 grossly overweight and flat stony broke.
 Without the aid of revolutionary drugs
 I cannot even raise a smile,
 or curb my binge eating. It also seems
 my credit rating is sub zero and,
 unless I pay forty percent interest
 nobody will ever give me a mortgage.

 Furthermore, I have it on good authority
 that I am socially inept, incapable
 of finding a date let alone a soul mate.
 To cap it all, it seems I am unstable,
 both mentally and spiritually,
 in serious need of life changing advice
 from guru and shrink alike. Of course
 it is free for a limited period only,
 for registration and eternal happiness
 my credit card holds the key.

 It must be true
 it says so in my inbox.