*What a night RAW was. Kurt Angle was defeated in the “Special Olympics” by a bunch of midgets, and Test defeating Eddie was amongst the highlights of the action packed show. However, maybe the shocker of the night is that RVD is back! He had been injured after flying off the top of the cell at UK Massacre 2002 in that legendary DCHFM, in which Steven Richards won RVD his TV Title, although both RVD and Steven will tell differently.*

(This brings us to tonight, a few hours before the new XWF show, “Wednesday Night WAR” will take place. The fans are being treated to some excellent matches, including Funaki vs. Taka, and Jerry Lynn vs. Randy Orton. The fans think a break is on the horizon, but their attention is turned towards the titantron as it flickers to life. They boo loudly as The Rock is shown, sitting alone in the ERW dressing room. He is watching an old tape of a Jeff Hardy match. He studies and takes notes, and it doesn’t seem he realises the cameras are on him. He quickly gets up and enters the toilet, don’t know what for though. As he enters the bathroom, RVD opens the door and the fans cheer as he enters the room. They still love this man, how they do is beyond belief. RVD looks at the television and sees no one is there, so he switches the tape off and grabs the remote nearby. He flicks on a channel, and it’s highlights of the Ireland vs. Germany match played earlier on. He sits down on the luxurious couch, and sticks his feet on the table. As he settles down, the flush of the toilet is heard and The Rock comes out. He finds RVD there, looks at the TV and sees that his tape of Jeff Hardy isn’t on the screen. He looks curiously towards RVD, who doesn’t catch on, and waves to him. The Rock becomes agitated and speaks)

The Rock: Now, The Rock is sure there is some sort of reasonable explanation for this. But what in the blue hell are you doing?

Rob Van Dam: Ah, hey dude. Didn’t know you were in here.

Right, no problem. Anyway, RVD…The Rock wants to watch the tape of Jeff Hardy…you should too. The Rock…RVD…electrifying! We will whoop both Jeff Hardy’s and Hogan’s candy asses! IF…you watch this tape of Hardy…then The Rock and RVD will totally be on the same page, unlike Hogan and Hardy.

(The Rock grabs the remote and presses the play button, and the Jeff tape begins again. However, as soon as the first move has been hit, a Jawbreaker by Jeff Hardy, RVD grabs the remote and presses the stop button)

Yeah, but Rock…the World Cup dude. You know, the big tournament where the best teams from around the world play.

The Rock knows what the World Cup is, but to be quite honest RVD, The Rock could wipe a monkey’s ass with (He squints at the scoreboard) Ireland and Germany. The only team The Rock is supporting is the US Soccer team.

First of all Rock, it’s football. Get with the times man. And secondly…you should love all kinds of football…Ireland, Germany…hell, you should even love Scotland’s, ahem, flowing play.

The Rock loves all soccer, The Rock loves Peru for Christ sake! Nolberto and the gang. But The Rock DOESN’T love soccer when there is a huge tag team match the next night. (Turns the videotape back on) Now, (Mimics RVD by pointing to himself) R…V…D, are you going to let The Rock take notes and train mentally for our match, or is he going to have to physically make you?

Whoa, OK Rock. I hear you loud and clear dude. But you know, you should relax a little. That’s what RVD does, and after all, RVD IS the XWF T…V…Champion! Come on man, (Turns off the tape again and back to the football) Frankie isn’t saying relax, I am, R…V…D! Do you think I study? Ha, yeah, as if. This isn’t school you know. You’ve been under some pressure lately, and it’s actually funny this conversation has come up.

And why is that?

Because RVD, being the coolest guy on earth, decided to treat you to something. You deserve a break man, and this is it. Now, I did some research on you. I could’ve totally asked you, but I wanted this to be a big surprise. (He brings out a box from the outside of the dressing room and places it on the table, with his back to The Rock) I found out that you’ve got a bit of Cameroonian heritage in you, right?

The Rock is Samoan you stupid son-of-a-bitch.

(RVD’s face scrunches up, as the fans anticipate what the hell he’s done…he’s made some sort of mistake)

Samoan…Cameroonian…whatever. Anyways Rock, here is your BIG surprise, I mean it dude…you’ll love this being so proud of your heritage and all.

(He brings out of this box, an electronic device and a megaphone. He speaks into the device quietly, and then remembers what it translates as in a different language- the device must be a translator. However, it isn’t translating French or Spanish, it’s a weird dialect that it relays to RVD. RVD then puts the megaphone to his mouth and repeats what the translator said. He then goes behind The Rock and shuts his eyes. He then speaks with a certain amount of excitement in his voice)

Rock…I give you, from the jungle of Cameroon, uh, I mean Samoa. The Camer…Samoan Witch Doctors!

(The Rock mouths “Witch Doctors?” as a distinct but feint sound of a drum is heard. As the seconds tick, the drum becomes louder and louder, and pretty soon, you hear a sort of war cry in the background. The door then bursts open, and in steps ten, twelve black men, with only a pair of boxer shorts on, dancing around. They are also wearing the skull-like white face paint like Papa Shango and Scaramanga of James Bond fame did. The Rock looks around as they all circle him and light a curtain in the room on fire. They start all their singing, as The Rock is surrounded by the drum-banging Cameroonians. The Rock just holds his head in his hands as RVD claps and dances along with them. They start to put some war paint on The Rock’s face, but he quickly stops it and speaks over the constant beat of the drum)

WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Cool, eh?

NO! It isn’t cool you stupid sumbitch.

Sorry Rock, I cant hear you buddy, the drums are too loud. But I’m going to leave you, let you chill back here with my main man, Chief Osaka. I’m off to the ring dude…see ya’ soon.

NO! DON’T GO! THE ROCK COMMANDS YOU!

Later.

(The Rock gives in and lets them dance around him as much as they want as RVD leaves the room. He tells the camera following him “I think he liked it” before heading out to the ring. The camera cuts back to the ringside area, and the fans get louder and louder as they know RVD is coming. They reach the pinnacle when #ONE OF A KIND# blasts around the arena and out steps RVD. He has the TV Title around his waist as the fans cheer him…he is still with the ERW…but the fans love him. He talks to himself as he usually does as he strides down the ramp, and enters the ring. He jumps up and spins around at the same time, and then does his RVD thumb pose, which every single fan in the arena says it with him. He takes the microphone from Lillian Garcia and speaks)

Guess who’s back…

(The fans go wild as RVD carries on)

Before I talk about tomorrow night, Smackdown, live from Las Vegas, and my return last Monday night…I want to talk about this piece of gold around my waist. Now, Steven is at home today, he cannot be with me…he had to see a doctor about something…his burns, they aren’t healing too well. But both he and I know that only one man won this TV Title- and that one man is Rob…Van…Dam. Yeah, Steven may have won the match, but if it weren’t for me defeating Jeff Hardy in the Ladder Match at Backlash, I wouldn’t have got a second bite at the cherry. I mean, we both got what we wanted, didn’t we? Steven got his revenge on Ric Flair, and I got what was rightfully mine…the TV Title! And unlike the last time, when I let that pretty boy punk Jeff Hardy take this baby, I am going to make this reign long, eventful, and most importantly…cool! Because as you may have seen on the titantron, when I was talking to Rock…I don’t believe in studying, revising or watching matches…hell no. RVD just sits back and what happens, happens. Just like what happened last Monday night, at the end of RAW. The fact that I returned quicker than expected…it just happened. And the fact that Test is as dumb as a box of rocks…just happened. But RVD did go into RAW with a plan. Kick the crap out of Test! And I think I did just that, that didn’t just happen…that was planned. Because you see Test, like Jeff Hardy did, he took what wasn’t his. Jeff Hardy took the TV Championship away from me. But you Test? You took a shot at me away from Shannon Moore. And hey, I am not complaining…I would’ve kicked his ass, just like I’ll do to you. But what the hell did you do to deserve that Test? Hell, why don’t we just give a fan in the front row a shot at Kurt Angle for the Intercontinental Championship? It makes my blood…well, not boil…but rise slightly above cool point, how you strut around claiming that you want the TV Title that YOU deserve. Whoa there dude…deserve? Isn’t that like, a big word for you? Do you even know what it means? Because I do…and I know you didn’t deserve it! I might have been injured with my knee, but I saw how you attacked Shannon Moore…from behind, I might add…to TAKE the shot…not deserve…TAKE! But RVD is cool with it, I’m down with that, but let me make one thing perfectly clear to you Test. I’m {-Points to Himself-} ROB…VAN…DAM! And while you may get a shot at this TV Title around my waist, you aren’t taking it from me. What happened last Monday night, on RAW was a plan. I always knew you were totally times two dumb, but not like totally times infinity dumb! You actually believed I was still injured? Man, it doesn’t take Albert Newton or Isaac Einstein to figure that it was a plan.

You see Test, since I am a generally all-round nice dude; I wanted to give you a little warning. I mean, sure, I bet you thought you were “the man” when you took that TV Title shot. But did you think of the consequences? There is a downfall to the fact that you are the no.1 contender, and that downfall is me, {-Points to Himself-} R…V…D! And RVD gave you just a little taste, a little hint of what’s in store for you. You see, all you gotta do is ask Jeff Hardy what happens when you try and get the better of RVD. Ask Ric Flair…ask every single wrestler in the back what happens! You are new here, and maybe you don’t know exactly who I am. But I’m RVD, I’m cool, and you’re not. And Test, RAW was just the beginning. You screw with me, I SCREW WITH YOU! Sure, you’re tough, but do I care? You think I care? Whatever Test, smell the damn maharani. Eddie Guerrero might be scared of you, he may be intimidated by you, but I’m not Eddie Guerrero, am I? That Van Daminator on Monday? It’ll hurt worse every single time I do it. The Five-Star? I soar that little higher every time. There is no turning back now Test, you’ve crossed the line, and the only way for you to go is down. You thought you were funny, some sort of comedian, calling me a cripple. Well, who’s laughing now Test? Who’s the cripple now? Test, I know we’ll meet on Smackdown, and more importantly, at Fully Loaded. I’m prepared for it…are you? The question everybody will be asking me is if RVD can pass the test. Well, I flunked school, but even {-Points to Himself-} R…V…D can pass this one.

Now, onto tonight, when the RVD gets the chance to team up with the XWF Champion…the leader of the ERW…The Rock. As you probably saw on the titantron, Rock and RVD…we are as tight as two cats can be. The Rock was in a war at UK Massacre, and he won. The Rock needed some relaxation, so that’s what I provided him. He’s been fishing and shopping the past few weeks, but that’s all material goods. I think the best way to relax is to find you, and I done that by bringing up Rock’s Cameroonian heritage. So as you can see, we are tight. We are buds. But two people who are not tight are Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Jeff Hardy! In fact, these two, along with The Undertaker, will wrestle in Hell in a Cell at Fully Loaded. And what a shocker, but these two seem to be on the same team! RVD smells an easy victory. And it smells great. Because finally, RVD gets his final chance to shut that damn asshole, Jeff Hardy, up for good. You know Jeff; we have certainly come a long way together. And after all of the beatings you have gave me, and all the beatings I gave you…I can finally say that I respect you dude. I don’t dig you…but I respect you. But in your promo I caught earlier today…it doesn’t seem the feeling is mutual! You would think, wouldn’t you fans, that he would respect me. But quite clearly he doesn’t. Sure, he says how one of us deserves a World Title shot…but he has one man and one man only in mind- and that’s himself. Why’s that? Because unlike {-Points to Himself-} R…V…D, he’s a selfish bastard! He’s jealous too. Jealous of the success I have, and he doesn’t. How times change Jeff. RVD vs. Jeff Hardy – Backlash 2002, Ladder Match. One of the best matches XWF has seen. I won that match, but you run me close, right? Look at you now. Fully Loaded…Test and me will steal the damn show. Look at you. You are in a match that you can’t win! You can’t beat The Undertaker one-on-one in his match…what the hell are you thinking?

Jeff, I caught your promo earlier on…and like what you have become, it was a joke! You claim how you and me never settled our differences. Well yes, that is true. But then you get all big-headed and moan about how you’ll beat me. After all these damn months…you still haven’t got it. You actually still do believe you can beat me. Give me a break, man. You’ve got a straight man’s chance in the YMCA of ever beating me. You have beaten me once…count it- it’s a high number, I know. Once! How many times have I beaten you? Uh, twice! Backlash, and let’s just substitute Steven for me, and Ric Flair for you, and that’s two times. That one time was a fluke; you were the better man than one night only. For Christ sake, I’m {-Points to Himself-} ROB…VAN…DAM! I don’t slip up, once a year maybe…that’s it. That night in April…that was my one mistake. And RVD wont make another one this year, I can guarantee you that dude. On Smackdown, I guess we will see who the better man is. But it’s beyond doubt anyway. It’s R…V…D! And when we get the one…two…three, will you please think next time you open your mouth, bro? It’s so uncool to speak before you think. That interview was a damn joke...nothing more, nothing less. I mean, what have you become Jeff? All you can do is this totally lame-o supreme thing to Michael Cole. “SHAAAAAADDDDDDDAP” – is that your new catchphrase? Well, Jeff, I’m telling you right here, right now, to SHAAAAAAAADDDDDDDAP because it really pisses me off! And if you don’t SHAAAAAAADDDDDUP, RVD will SHAAAAAD YOU UUUUUUUP…for good! You see Jeff, RVD doesn’t need any catchphrases. I let my feet do the talking. You? Well, just SHAADDDDDUP! See how annoying and uncool is it Jeff? Tomorrow night on Smackdown, RVD and The Rock will show you how the ERW deal with annoying little whiners like you. You are nothing more than a blot on the paper, you are insignificant. Rocky and me will erase you tonight, because we are the {-Points to Himself-} E…R…W! And more importantly not the C…W…O. Crappy Wrestling for the Old.

(RVD looks around the arena and a huge RVD chant circulates around it. He applauds the fans and then continues)

Now, Hollywood Hulk Hogan. I have never, ever faced you in a wrestling ring in any shape or form. And RVD doesn’t know a lot about Hulk Hogan inside the ring. But he does know a few things about Hogan outside of the squared circle. One thing he does know, is that Hogan, when he retires in a few months time, will look back on his career and have quite a number of regrets, during his twenty year career. But do you know what his biggest regret will be? I can imagine it now, he’ll sit there, chewing on his porridge as the hot nurse checks if he hasn’t died yet, and he’ll say to the nurse, (He puts on a really bad Hogan accent, but the fans still pop for it) “SISTA, I never should’ve left the ERW” – and he’s damn right! The ERW took him off the streets. The ERW gave him a home, and a family. But greed got the better of you, didn’t it Hogan. You just couldn’t stand Rock being XWF Champion. So what did you do? You turned your back on the ERW…and joined the N.W.O? I thought you were supposed to grow wise with age. Yeah, as if. Just like in this tag match. Both you and Jeff Hardy…you will be overcome by greed. You’ll fight over which one of you gets to get their ass whipped first by the ERW. I can see it now, you’ll both be sitting there, praying to God: “Please God, let me get Five-Starred first…it’s the only way I can ever achieve greatness” and then God will shove a lightning bolt up each of their asses. It’s the ERW vs. the CWO/N.W.O…but even the two combined cannot stop the ERW, and The Rock and RVD will prove it, on Smackdown…when, as The Rock says, we whoop your candy asses. And you will know the name of {-Points to Himself-} ROB…VAN…DAM!

So Hogan, Hardy, CWO, N.W.O…it doesn’t matter to RVD, just come to Smackdown so both RVD and The Rock can show why it’s cool to be {-Points to Himself-} R…V…D, but even cooler to be {-Points to Himself-} E…R…W…4…Life!

*Breaking Point blast around the arena one more time as RVD hops onto the top turnbuckle and gets a resounding cheer from the fans. He holds his TV Title up, and gets an even louder cheer, as flashbulbs flash all around the arena. He strides up the ramp, but before he disappears, gives one last R…V…D pose, and all the fans join in. He then leaves the ring, probably to see how The Rock is doing with his newly-found Cameroonian friends*