hey

Update finally

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on this blog. I don’t think I have talked about my friend Josie. I have been so torn up about this. She was in a horrible car accident in January and has been in a coma since. Josie…gosh. My heart feels like its broken into a billion little pieces. My heart literally hurts thinking about her. I still can’t believe that she is not going to make it. The last I heard they were giving her a few more months to come out of her coma before they decide to take her off the machines. That was a few months ago, which means, the time is coming soon. This is being done despite the fact that the doctors have said that “she’s not there anymore.” Wow. That takes my breath away. She’s not there anymore. I really don’t believe that she is. I don’t want Josie to go. But I don’t want her lying there suffering. Her children need closure. The longer this drags on the harder it is going to be. I prayed and prayed for miracles. In the end I know the best thing to do is to let her go. I don’t want to though. I don’t want them to either because the moment they do take her off the machines we have to give up our hopes and face cold hard reality. Even if that reality is the best for Josie. She deserves her rest. Part of me is so angry though. This wasn’t the way its supposed to happen. She has five kids! Five! Two of them are in there 20’s and the girls are 14, 13, and 7. My heart breaks for them. They need their mom. And she’s got two grandkids She’s only 42 years old. Her life should not be ending.

I remember living back in Carlsbad, I would always see her on my way home from where ever. She only lived up the street from me. She always honked and waved. Its little things like that you don’t realize you’ll miss so much. I looked for her still, for a long time. On my way home from work…or anywhere. I looked for her smile. I looked for her wave. I would see cars that looked just like her and my heart would burn knowing that it wasn’t her. Even still here, in a knew town, I see cars that look like hers. I see women who look like her. I can’t take my eyes off of these people. I want to talk to Josie. I want to hear her voice. I want to see her and feel her presence. I want my friend back. God, its like…this will all be over. They’ll take her off the machines…there will be her passing, there will be her funeral. Days will pass. And then some miracle will happen and she’ll be back. Some how, some magical way…she’ll come back and it will be like this all never happened. The kids will have their mom back. Her family will have back their daughter, sister, cousin, aunt back and I”ll have my friend back. I have loads of silly little memories. Most of all I have the memory of how much she cared about me. How much encouragement she always gave me. I always ALWAYS felt like sunshine when she was around. She never failed to tell me how smart I was, how funny and cute I was. By goodness I’m sure she knew I wasn’t perfect, but….she never failed to tell me how great I was. She called me her “good friend” and always told me I was “good people.” There were times I really needed to hear that. When I was in college and would get stressed out she always gave me encouragement. In her eyes….I could not fail…. I would not fail…because I was so great and so smart! I don’t know how true it was…but it sure made me keep trying. When I would study at work (over nights were boooring) she was sure not to make a sound while I was studying, even though I told her she didn’t have too be so quiet…she would do extra so I could have time to do homework or study or whatever, no matter how much I protested. Josie would always go first into the “haunted” rooms…J because I was scared. Josie was always asking about me. So interested in my life and encouraging when I needed it. I knew she cared I knew she loved me. I just hope that somehow she knew and still knows how important her friendship was and still is to me despite the fact that we didn’t spend a lot of time together outside of work. We did go to lunch several times and went nail polish shopping. She was there when I accidentally walked out of wal mart with a nail polish! She laughed so hard because I was totally freaked that the FEDS were going to come for me! I was too afraid to go back into the store with it and too scared to leave. I ended up leaving….I know..that is sooo bad!

I can’t believe I will never have her in my life again. I can’t believe that I’ll never see her again in this life. I know that she is going on to a better place. I know that where she is going there will be peace and love and light. It is a place that I look forward to going to myself someday. I have faith that there is a Heavenly Father and a Heaven. There are angels and loving hands that guide us. I know that that there is that place where there is no pain or suffering. A place where we can rest. I would be so happy that she made it to this place. It just burns. Its like a kick in the stomach. I feel like my heart is like a rock. Wow.

I can’t even put into words anymore the sadness that I feel right now. I think of our time together and I want to go back to that place.

Well my my my ....
Mood:  chillin'

I've gone and effed up my blog...and I'm too lazy and tired to fix it...

 

I haven't blogged here in a while cuz i got fed up with it not letting me post anything! arrgh!

 

Um...nothing new...well, there's loads new but i'm too tired now to type..haha.

Does anyone even read this anymore?? Juelsie?? Sinnie?? Cass the ass master??? (i mean that lovingly of course..lol) ANYBODY...CAN YOU HEAAARRR MEEEE???

 Speaking of hear me there is someone screaming in the street outside my window...scary!

 

 

Beyond Reality and Harry Potter





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Juel
Midge's smile made my heart feel warm.
I can tell she has a beautiful soul.
May she rest in peace.
I love you Juel. I'm sorry for your loss.

Juel
OMGoodness...LOL those videos of Mae are precious!
Ol' swivel hips made me smile! That was too cute! *grins*

a video
Grams

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One more time...
Okay frustrated. this is the third time I have tried to type this story and my computer blinks out everytime..lol. I don't think its ghostly but I have checked everything I can think of to figure out why it did that..but no dice. Soooo..here I go again.

I was in my bedroom watching a dvd that I had rented. I was lying on my side with two pillows under my head and my head towards the bedroom door. My bedroom looks straight into the living room. SO, I am totally into my movie, no thoughts of creepiness or ghostiness floating through my head. I am totally and completely into the movie. It wasn't a scary or creepy movie so there was no jitteryness on my part. I was totally calm (for once lol). Out of nowhere I feel as if someone has just run their hand over my hair. Starting at my left temple and ending by pushing my hair into my pillow. I had my hair in a loose bun so when my hair was getting pushed down I felt a slight tug on my head. It was a gentle tug but there was DEFINATE pressure pushing my bun into the pillow. To describe what I felt...put your hair up in a bun (for the gals anyway), and gently run your hand over it as if smoothing it down, and then push the bun to the side. You'll feel your hair move when you push down. That is what I felt. It took me a minute to register because it had come out of absolutely no where. But when it registered...it REGISTERED. I didn't move at first but I felt my eyes go as wide as saucers and then I popped my head up and looked up and out into the living room. I knew I was alone in the house but I got up and checked for family members anyway...all doors and windows locked and nobody home but me. Okaaayy..So, I creep back into my room and lie back down the way I was. I pretended to be into my movie again but in my head I was willing it to happen again. It was sooo real. I even said it out loud. "You can do it again. Its okay, I'm not scared. If you are still here you can do it again." And I wasn't scared. It had been so gentle and loving. More like a caress as if someone were trying to comfort me. I am thinking of it now and it just seems to me like, who or what ever it was was trying to say "I don't want to scare you but I want you to know I am here." I think this because of the way it started out so gently but slowly added more and more pressure before finally pushing down on the bun in my hair. I could be totally off base with it but it reminds me of something my grams would do. I can't explain what it was or if it was a ghost, but it was real and I can't explain it away. And unfortunately it didn't happen again.

Ghost Stories!
So Halloween is coming up soon...and I am sooo in the ghostie mood! I'm hoping to get some time this weekend to type up a few more of my experiences that I don't think i have posted here before.

I'll start with one...NOW!

First I will explain that my mom's mom (my grandmother-sister to the grams I refer to in my blog. I didn't know my real grams so grams was always there for me. Yea i have a hard time following that thought too..lol but i'm sure you know what i mean) and her only sister died in a fire about 35 years ago. I never met either one of them obviously. My mom was pregnant with my older sister when they died.
They are buried in Loving about a fifteen minute drive out of Carlsbad (my hometown). Every once in a while I'll drive out with my mom for a visit.
About four years ago, I went on one of these visits. We did the usual cleaning up around the headstones and then walk around the cemetary to "visit" other relatives as well. Its so wierd seeing headstones with names of people you have heard of your whole life. People you never met but who are important to you and you have come to love because of the special bonds they shared with your family before they passed away. I grew up hearing all the stories of my gradma and aunt and I feel the bond even though we never met. I truly believe they are around me and they know me and they love me too. I always include them in prayers and even "talk" to them sometimes when I go on cemetary visits up there alone. I tell them I love them so much and that I know I will meet them someday, and that they are no less important to me because they passed before I was born. They are a part of my life because...well, we all three loved the same woman. My mom. Grandma's daughter. My aunt's sister. I don't know if i am explaining it right but I have always been amazed that we all three love this one person so much but at different times. I know that doesn't sound the way I mean it, but I think ya'll know what I am sayin. Our bond begins with the love we all three had for her. I went off a little here, so I will get back to my experience. We were leaving the cemetary and we stopped one last time at their graves. I wanted to leave them something but I had failed to bring anything with me because we went last minute that day. I took two pennies out of my pocket. I placed one on each head stone. My mom had already gone off to the car but I took my time sayin goodbye. We get home and I jump on the computer..i had just gotten it so I was obsessed with the internet. The computer was in my bedroom. So I am sittin there surfin away. A little while later I stretched out in my chair and just happened to look up towards the top of the door. I stopped mid yawn. When I looked up there I saw two pennies sitting pretty as you please on the wood molding above the door. I flipped out! In a good way though! I obviously had not done it and my mom didn't even know I had left pennies at the cemetary. She wouldn't have joked like that anyway. The molding of the door is kinda wide and probably would have hiddin the pennies had they not been pushed halfway off the edge! I had never before seen the pennies up there..(it was MY room I was in there all the time). I asked around but no one knew anything about how they got there.
I don't know if they were the same pennies...lol, but I just thought that was totally cool. I really do believe that it was a "sign" from my grandma and auntie.

Don't know what to title this blog..*smile*
Juelsie, you are so right! I couldn't have put it better. You explained it better than I did. I hope you don't mind I am reposting part of what you wrote.

A parent's love is different in that we will always seek their approval, feeling to fall short of it, even if we don't. Our children's love seems to change from dependant love on us to judgemental love over time, and a husband's love can change because of our appearances, or our actions, but a grandmother's love, *smiles* that reaches out through space and time and even across the River Jordan to squeeze our hearts in a hug of pure "no, darling you probably shouldn't have gotten drunk and puked on the priest at Christmas mass or mooned the congregation, but I can understand why you did it" kind of love.

As much as I know how much my parents love me...its NOT the same. Grams have a way of not showing any kind of disapproval over things parents make big hoopla's over. And I loved the example you gave..lol, that made me giggle so hard..haha. I can now never ever moon the congregation with at least one high five from my grams. haha.
Love ya Juel!

Feelin Blue...
Gosh. I just am having one of those nights where I just FEEL everything. I hate when I have nights like this. Its almost like i can't figure out how to be. A lot of it is I've been thinking about my grams a lot. I miss her soooo much. I want to go to her house and feel warm and safe again. NO ONE...noone at all will ever make me feel that way again. She loved me so much. I mean, I know my parents and family love me...but Grandma's have that special way of loving. You know...like..your still the baby and they take care of you. My parents love me yes...but they like it when I act like an adult..LOL. That is something I'm not so sure I am good at sometimes.
Anyway, I dont know. It just comes back to me at different times. Sometimes it is hard to even keep breathing when it does. Two years doesn't mean anything. It still feels the same to me. I can still feel how it was the day she died. I can't even describe how it felt. Like the world wasn't real anymore. I just wanted my grams back. Thats all I wanted. In that moment...the moment I gave her that kiss goodbye. She was so still. I can still see her lying there.
It is so hard even though I know where she is. I know she is in Heaven with our Heavenly Father. That is sooo awesome to me. To know that she is there with Him and no longer suffering. I know she is in Heaven with her family. I KNOW this. I KNOW they were there with her while she was in the process of passing away. I am as sure of this as I am that my name is Melinda. I'll share in a later blog why this is so. But for now I'll just go on with this blog. I am at peace with knowing that she is happy now and can do all the things she could no longer do on her own. I know she watches over us. I KNOW this too.
It is so crazy driving through her neighborhood. Even the streets leading up to her neighborhood. Houses I've seen since I was teeny tiny. The school where me and T used to sneak off to to play. I just don't know if this will ever get easier.

LAUGHS HARD
I was just reading over my blog...its too funny...I sure was in a bad mood wasn't i?? LOL

I'm sooo tired, but i can't seem to get myself to bed....Yaawwwnn...too lazy to log off and walk across house to bedroom. Too. Lazy. SNNNOOOOoozzZZee.

Bad Meli
i'm so bad about keeping this space up..lol
so i am going through and deleting some blogs from myspace and realized there was stuff i failed to put in here.
Soooo.. here is some blogging i've done. SOrry if they are repeats i just wanted to make sure my words are not lost forever...*grins*


May 20, 2006
The Da Vinci Code
Current mood: aggravated

The Da Vinci Code

There is a lot of stupid hooplah being made over the Da Vinci Code. I have one thing to say about that. It is a movie. A fiction movie. Based on a book. A fiction book..excuse me..NOVEL. If a person is not smart enough to tell the difference between fact and fiction-then no-I don't recommend they see the movie.

Okay, so I guess I have more than one thing to say about the movie....

Most likely people who are crying over the whole thing probably have not even read the book. If you are going to criticize something-at least take the time to study what it is you are crying about-oops I mean criticizing, otherwise you look very rediculous.

Another complaint of mine-who exactly puts these groups in charge of boohooing over what I can and cannot watch? If you don't want to watch it, fine. You don't want your kids to watch it, fine. But you know...its really pointless to try to get everyone to not see this movie. By making such a fuss over it...you make people WANT TO SEE IT MORE! Is this not...THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANT? lol Its silliness.

If a person is so worried about this movie, perhaps they need to take a good look at themselves and their own faith in God. If they are so worried that a FICTION movie is going to turn their faith and change their whole life belief system, they have more problems than I care to think about. It is so silly to get so worked up about it. I know in my heart God is real. I believe that Jesus lived and died for us on the cross. There is a Heavenly Father that loves me and guides me every day...every second of my life. There is no one EVER going to convince me otherwise-especially not some movie! I watched The Da Vinci Code today, and I read the book last year. Are my beliefs any different now than they were before? NOoo...
You know why? Because I am an intelligent adult who can tell the difference between my Bible and a book I received for Christmas last year wrapped in Frosty the Snowman paper! Shock, Horror, Sarah, Michele, and Gellar! I can think for myself! Hurray!

What it all comes down to..is what YOU believe. Not some author who wrote a book. If you are secure in your love of Christ, everything else just doesn't matter. I found the movie interesting and entertaining. As it was meant to be. Isn't it enough that there was a man who lived and did many great works? That he saved lives and loved people? A man who believed so much in his Heavenly Father that He was willing to die for Him..for all of us? Does He have to give us Faith to? Because if your answer is yes-you are sooo in trouble. I give MY Faith to Him.That is the whole point. To have faith in the knowledge that He exists and still loves us and will do anything for us. And just suppose for one minute, as the book/movie suggests-Christ did have a wife who did have his child, would it make Him any less incredible? If there were still blood lineage of Christ living today-does it take away from His works and His sacrifices? NNoooooo.

Anyway, I'm starting to go off my main subject here...so I'm just going to reel it back in. lol

I can understand Opus Dei wanting to "defend" themselves because of the book-I don't blame them at all for wanting to educate people on what the Opus Dei is really all about. In the end though-its this book that brought them into the spot light and giving them a chance to do this. Opus Dei So, does it suck that they were shown in a bad light? Yes, of course...but the positive is people are now going to seek them out to learn more about them. Cool.

So, I'm Catholic. Was I offended by the movie? No. Does that make me bad? No. I just don't think that God is going to punish me for watching a movie. And I seriously think that it is fear that makes people react like this. In the words of a really great person I've spoken to on such matters..."He's not some big mean guy." He's not up there waiting to hurl His wrath at us. He just cares about what is in our hearts. Something only has power if you give it power. Making such a big deal over this thing is only giving it the power they didn't want it to have in the first place. At the end of the day, its a movie. I did not go into the movie believing that it was historical fact, therefore, it has no power over me, my belief system, or my life. Do I think people need to get over it? Certainly. I believe that these people should put their energy where it is needed. Helping others who are hungry, homeless, and underprivileged. There are hurricane victims to help, fires to put out, and flooding to deal with. A movie is the least of their problems right now-I'm sure they'd rather have a bowl of soup or a moldless house to live in.
So..I highly recommend this movie. Its got a great plot, a lot of twists and turns, and a good damn excuse to eat buttered popcorn. And Whoppers. *coughs* And a huge soda.
*puts my soapbox away and goes to find some pepto bismal..bismol..however you spell it..LOL*

June 22, 2006

coolest moments (long read)


So...with all this job drama/changing I've been doing, I thought back to my last job working at Crossroads. It was a rehab where women could bring their kids. It was a lot of hard work I tell ya.The women had behaviors, the children had behaviors (does the sign of the cross). I was yelled at, cursed at, called names..I had one client threaten to stab me and shove me in the trunk of my car. My OWN CAR for crying out loud. I have to say though that was the best job I've had so far. Even though I didn't know that at the time. lol

There is nothing like the feeling of knowing you have helped someone. To see someone come in totally incoherent, strung out, no relationship with their kids, sometimes having a history of hitting their children....change into a totally different person. To see them start to think and seeing this little 'light bulb' go on when you are talking to them and know you've told them something that is helping them. Sometimes, their whole face would light up when you said something that just made things 'click' in their mind. This look of "I get it!" and then for them to turn around and use what you told them..and to do well with it.

Then there were the times all I had to do was just listen. They just needed to let something go...from the sexual abuse they suffered with their own father to being hit by their mom. The deepest secrets they ever had...and they trusted me to listen. I cannot even explain what it feels like. To know that you were able to show this person that there are still people who can be trusted. That even though they suffered so much at the hands of people they loved and were betrayed by them-that they still can trust people. And it was the most awesome of feelings to know and sometimes be right out told~that I was the only person they trusted or the first person they trusted. To be able to do that for someone~its an awesome thing.

It was also so cool to see them learn how to parent their children. Sad that they had to be taught, but cool they were being given a second chance to do it. It took lots of work because the kids wouldn't always trust them right away. They kicked, they screamed, they bit (and sometimes even bit me), and escaped out the front door and started running off the property....but in the end (most of the time) they were able to make it work.

I have to say though that the kids were the best part of the job. Yes even the screamers and biters. It was fun to run around with them in the yard and play games with them. My heart still aches for "my" little twins. They were 18 months old the last time I saw them.One of them had the blondest curls I had ever seen on a boy..lol He literally looked like a little angel straight off of an Anne Guidesse calendar. His little twin brother was a little cutie too. I'll never forget one day....he was doing his little fake cry trying to get his moms attention. I watched him the whole time..he was standing in his crib, and while he could see his mom in the doorway he'd cry and cry and cry (no tears mind you). Then she'd move off to the side where he couldn't see her and he'd look at me and smile then laugh this evil little cackle. Then she'd move back to where he could see and he'd "cry"....but again...start that little cackle and smile at me when she would move out of his site. It was so hilarious. The look on his face was like..."I'm gettin her good!"

Another great kid moment was when i worked daycare one day and we took them to the living desert. The silly workers gave the kids cookies before we went out on the walk to see the animals. Can you see where this is leading?? So we are on our walk and get to the atrium where they have the wild turkeys running about. We were walking through and a turkey decides it wants this kids cookie. We don't realize she's been pinned against the atrium wall until she starts screamin and crying. Poor kid, she looked so terrified screamin and clutchin her cookie so tight. When I got to her she jumped into my arms so fast...lol I know it shouldn't be funny...but I giggle thinking about it. Its not like the turkey pecked her or anything. The kicker was the next day the night shift told me the poor kid had nightmares all night and ran in their room to find her screamin "Help me! Help me!" *coughsgigglescoughs*

I could go on a little longer but this post is hella long already. The point of it being, I miss my old job. It was the best and I wish I would have appreciated it more at the time.


12:58 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


ewww children!!! *shudders* Melinda! You are soooo not allowed to be amused by the *shudders* children!!! Except where the turkey pins...hehe....that was funny. I can laugh because I have no concern for a *shudders* child well-being.

I'm going to hell. I know.


Posted by Bianca on Thursday, June 22, 2006 at 8:06 AM
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~Paula~

Can we up the kudos thing in here??? Lol, no? Oh well...but you DESERVE it for that blog, good stuff! If you miss it that much...why not go back into the field?

Posted by ~Paula~ on Thursday, June 22, 2006 at 8:09 AM
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MeliMe


B..i don't want to be standing next to you if lightning strikes! LOL Kids are sooo cool!

Paula...I would LOVE to go back..but my cousin is now the supervisor, and that would be too wierd haha. Plus they don't let relatives work in the same place anymore.*sobs* I may be able to get in as a case worker next time they have openings in another department. that would be sooo cool!


Posted by MeliMe on Thursday, June 22, 2006 at 10:21 AM
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bellyfreckle

I enjoyed reading this blog....interesting. You definatly have a lot to say about stuff. But I think it's all good. Enjoyed your site.

Posted by bellyfreckle on Thursday, June 22, 2006 at 7:46 PM
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bellyfreckle

Besides. I love kids. They say the most craziest things ever!

Posted by bellyfreckle on Thursday, June 22, 2006 at 7:47 PM
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for juel

Stuff I wrote
Below are a couple of things I've written. I know I have more somewhere but I can't seem to find some of my notebooks. Anywho, I hope you enjoy them!

Meli written
this is written while I was thinking of a friend who passed away about 8 years ago.

March 2, 2006

I see you
in a dream
smiling
so free
no pain
so much love
beauty
inside and out
like a rare
and precious
flower
so delicate
is this vision
I'm almost
afraid to
think it
for fear
it will break