I ask of all of you beginning to read this to ask yourself if you are completley serious about obtaining this status. If you are looking for an easier path to this than maybe you should go out and buy laxatives. Those of you who want a serious long term solution, however, then I ask a lending of the ears. By long term I mean a period of eighteen years. You will not have to use every year, but the process is required to build on this time span. It is not as easy as it sounds, but trust me you will be thanking me when you accurately attain this goal at the later given time.
The first act you are to do should occur in the very first moments of your life. Not birth, but when you are merely being put together. Now when you are in your cell attempting to grab bits of DNA with the small macroscopic arms on the ends, try to capture the following: NXTR700471, a.k.a. Easily infected throat, and TM200070 a.k.a. Overanalyzation and worry skills. The rest is up to you. Note these basic components are necessary. After birth you will somehow need to obtain pneumonia within three months (don't worry, you only have to go through it three more times). Survive that, of course, then you are allowed a break for five years. However, during these five years try to have at least one ear infection per year, and an unhealthy share of bad colds and flu's. These can usually be obtained by other children. Use whatever methods you see fitting, for example, sharing cups and not washing hands before consumption. Don't worry about feeling dirty now, cleanliness will come later. The next collection of years are carefree, so don't worry about stress just yet (although it will be a major factor in the final stages). Try to play it cool in grade school by conforming and not concerning yourself with questions of the individual. The only requirements you have are as follows: obtain pneumonia in second, fourth and eighth grade. You are also to encounter strep throat six times in second grade. Do not get your tonsils removed, you will need them later. Also in second grade do not enter the school building eighty one times or at most seven days less than minimum required. In fourth grade you are now used to pneumonia, so you will not fuss over it. Eight grade try to make it the worst. When the option of phlegm distribution for the lungs comes up, request they both be filled. Attempt to raise your body temperature by at least three or four degrees. This is done with the following steps: most importantly do not move. Lie in bed or on a couch of your choice. Now that you are comfortable, drink fluids. You do not want to end up in the hospital ,where it has been recorded as a fact that at least one person has died there. Now that you are lying down, use all of your bodily strength on your white blood cells. Try to guide them in a surround, then attack technique. Many will be lost, but eventually you will succeed. Also note in your nine years of school to try your hardest to obtain strep an amazing amount of times. Strep throat is the catalyst that will help bring you to your desired goal.
Worrying is vital to succeed. Think of one aspect of your life that is negative, no matter how trivial at the time. Worrying is a very delicate procedure, so try to follow as close as possible. The first step to worrying is just to think of the negative aspect. Then just keep thinking about it until you find yourself thinking "but what if..." Quite often. Also try to increase your heart rate by a few bpm's. This is done simply by flexing the heart more times per minute, as stated earlier. Try to collect knots in weaker places of the body. Muscles usually work, so just push it all there. If you can't figure out how, worry about it and it will happen on its own.
High school is where the throat weakness comes in handy. Use your tonsils, as intended, and collect bacteria. The bacteria will just stick to them anyway, but pile on more than you can handle. This way not only will the tonsils become infected, but it will also spread into the throat. Make your way to the nearest doctor and make sure your are prescribed with a powerful antibiotic. Not strong enough to keep it from coming back, but strong enough to kill the bacteria in your stomach. To take the pill just push down on the cap of the container and twist. Grab one pill and swallow with water, this will make it easier. Be sure to do this at least once every meal. The pills were designed to kill bacteria, so your throat will be healed and all the bacteria in your stomach will die too. Keep in mind this includes bacteria that constantly fends off diseases also. One of the viruses that will come forward in this time is clostridium. This is always present in your stomach, but the bacteria that you just assassinated usually kept it down to health amounts. This virus acts as an ulcer in your stomach, in that it eats at your stomach lining. It should also allow you to develop lactose intolerancy as the stomach is weakened. Allow it to do this, it is all part of the process. Continue to take these antibiotics until the stomach pain passes noticeable and becomes intolerable. In these moments of stomach jarring, make sure to do plenty of that worrying stated earlier. With your stomach weakened the stress will use that as a target. Think about college. You are very close to leaving the life you have lead for the past seventeen years. You will have to make new friends and the distance will cause you problems with your other ones. You will have to make decisions to base sixty years of existence on. And don't even think that its your last summer. Remember your father was laid off and you have to move to Indiana. You will no longer have easy accessibility to your friends. You will have to plan when to come up and then try to reenact the same outings and relationships you previously had. Be sure to, when you get to Indiana, to constantly obsess over this. To do that you first have to find a place to lay down. Then it is basically thinking things over and over again without an outcome of you moving back to comfortable Illinois. Keep these hopeless thoughts up until you go off to college. Now use your brain for positive uses, like how to distract itself during these three months, summer school should work. Sign up for a class that you would find enjoyable. Send out the envelope with required information and await further instruction from your institute. Keep your body awake until two o' clock every night. Then wait until the day before summer school. During this day be sure to eat the usual amount of products that contain milk. Usual amount meaning you are usually able to handle it. Excite yourself by the use of your new ability to obsess. Mix that with worry due to your lazy outcome of generally unclear plan for tomorrow. Stare into the ceiling with your ever open eyes and consider every possible negative outcome until your stomach hurts. Make sure to keep a clock to your left so you always know how much sleep you are missing. Close your eyelids at 12:00 A.M., but keep imagining bad outcomes. Fall asleep approximately an hour after. Wake up at 8:40 A.M., shower, eat and your usual morning routine. Save twenty minutes in the schedule, most likely at the end, for payoff.
Lactose intolerancy occurs when the stomach is not properly able to fully digest milk products. These partially digested materials are then put through the system as is. If you followed the instructions given, it should be the morning of your Fiction Writing class and you have diarrhea. Congratulations!
Special thanks to Kara Smith.