Golden Rules For Finding Your Life Partner
(by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.)

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for 
evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When
it comes to making the decision about choosing a life 
partner, no one wants to make a mistake.Yet,
with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in
their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask
most couples who are engaged why they’re getting
married, they’ll say : “We’re in love.”  I believe
this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love (alone).Though this may sound not politically
correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone)
is not the basis for getting married. Rather,love is
the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come.  Let
me say it again : You can’t build a lifetime
relationship on love alone.  You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
you’re serious about finding and keeping a life
partner.

QUESTION #1 : Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important?
Let me put it this way : If you’re married for 20 or
30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone.
What do you plan to do with each other all that
time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to
share something deeper and more meaningful. You need
a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow
apart. Fifty percent of the people out there are
growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to
know what you want out of life bottom line - and
marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2 : Do I feel safe expressing my feelings
and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of
your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with
this person. The basis of having good communication
is trust i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or
hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your
thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on
this one. Make sure you feel motionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3 : Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone
who is always striving to be good and do the right
thing.” So ask about your significant other:
What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose
top priority is character refinement. There are
essentially two types of people in the world :
People who are dedicated to personal growth and
people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone
whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put
personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You
need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4 : How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask : Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up themselves and
self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the
following :
1) How  do they treat people whom they do not have
to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi
driver etc?
2) How do they treat parents and siblings?
3) Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
4) Do they show respect?
If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have
given them everything, you cannot expect that
they’ll have gratitude for you - who can’t do nearly
as much for them!
Do they gossip and speak badly about others?
Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
others. You can be sure that someone who treats
others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as
well.

QUESTION #5 : Is there anything I’m hoping to change
about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to “improve” them after
they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it,
“You can probably expect someone to change after
marriage... for the worse!” If you cannot fully
accept this person the way they are now, then you
are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult
and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
more with your head and less with your heart. It
pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help
you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a
great feeling but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in
trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

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*     “ When A Person’s Temper Gets The Best          *
*       Of Him, It Reveals The Worst Of Him “         *
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