The Randomness, I can Control You Now

<"...the apocalypse left some voice-mail...">

<"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.">

<"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.">

<"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.">

<"PS:
Sorry you saw me naked.">

<"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.">

<"Just because I bought you underwear
doesn't mean we owe each other anything.">

<"I saw you pick that wedgie!">

<"It takes many "W"s to form a village.">

<"The world would be grateful if I wore underwear.">

<"I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!">
-As Good As It Gets

<"But it's fun to be like the rest of the world!">

<"See,that's why I wish Andrew was a girl sometimes.">

<"I like your eyebrows. They're like two live caterpillars.">

<"I love you and I can't live without you. Now go away.">

<"Have you ever been to the zoo...without any clothes on?">

<"Maybe you shouldn't call me 'Stanleh' while we're in bed.">

<"Spiritual fart jokes.">

<"Oh wow. You are my best friend!">

<"It involved a hockey stick, a midget, and Chris' genitals. We know who won that fight.">

<"Life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.">
-Daria

<"Now I'll retreat into my lonely quarters and listen
to music that would scare old people and little kids
because they would believe that the world is coming to
a noisy, sad ending... or the boogie man is after
them. He probably is, because life sucks ass no
matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes,
such as from here to my room.">

<"Crap! There's crap on my boob!">

<"Swim with the fishies! Cement boots! Yes-yes, good-good!">

<"Normal people don't have mystery chicken in their potholders!">

<"Magical. Powerful. Eeeevil.">

<"No, no! My boobies are my own!">

<"Yeah, you could be Shaggy. With all that pubic hair growing on your chin...">

<"-Wow, this is like a bad acid flashback!"
-"Mom!">

<"We're pulling an e-mail and sending you all a mass Amy.">

<"Okay, so there's this guy and he has a condom.
He decides to put it on his girlfriend's windshield wiper.
So, he puts it on there, and his girlfriend's like, 'why did you put that on my windshield wiper?'
and he says, 'cuz I felt like it I guess.'
'I guess that's not a funny joke.">

<"I'll wear it as a sign of our defection! Infection! Defection?">

<"I'm a closet Arabian!">

<"Boobs are not portable Goldfish containers!">

<"Life's a bitch and if you're not careful, you'll end up marrying one.">

<"If you kill your brother, she said, you're going to get one big timeout.">
-Brian Andreas

<"It just wouldn't be New Year's without Dick!">

<"Quiet! I can't hear the boobs!">

<"...people who are offended that you call them bitch or something.
It's a term of endearment, people! It means I care enough to own you.">

<"Promise me, if i haven't been kissed by the time i'm 16,
you will spend whatever money you have handy and buy me a guy.
That's all i ask.">

<"Thank you for participating in this valuable time of learning,
now go play in the inner state.">

<-"It's tight like a brick house."
-Naa, it ain't tight like nothin'.">

<"I am sexually FRUSTRATED!">

<"I am Jack's smirking revenge.">
-Fight Club

<"No, it can't snow, Daddy said he'd beat me if it snowed!
I already got two lashings for my rain!">

<"I only offered to sleep with you. I didn't say you could untie my shoes.">

<"If I really were butch, you'd be on the ground crying right now.">

<-"Why is there a tombstone in your yard?"
-"Oh, it's my mother's.">

<-"You have a big head."
-"WHAT?"
"You have a big head! I like big heads!"
-"You told me I have a big head??"
-"Yeah, it's a compliment!">

<-"God, how does anyone get so bitter?"
-"Observation."
-The Opposite Of Sex>

<"Jesus died for our sins so we don't get grounded anymore!">

<"What's the matter there whiny-boy? Are you going to cry?">

<"He may be an asshole, but he's my asshole!">

<"You either do or you don't. You can't try to blow up a car.">

<"We were playing a game called 'glass baseball'.">

<-"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
-"People who get stoned shouldn't throw glass!">

<"Would you like an onion with that wine?">

<-"You're going to burn in Hell!"
-"Surprise, surprise!">

<"Oh geez. You mushy lesbians.">

<"...then to work off my debt I will be forced to direct porno films again like
"Ankle-Grabbin' Elves and Rainbows.">

<"I think I’ll just go to sleep instead… or I’ll lay there in the dark thinking about him. Or laundry. Laundry laundry laundry laundry...">

<"...and the world should just be run by geese! Geese geese everywhere!">

<"I wish I was mystical. Of course, I probably am and I don't pay any attention to it. Maybe I just need a makeup artist.">

<"Why do they call it a hamburger if it's not made with ham?"
and then I reply "Duh...because they both come from a cow....">

<"I'm from Canada. If the US and Canada were ever at war, I would consider it my duty to kill as many Americans as possible. And I would enjoy it.">
-William Shatner

<"I particularly like that gold lamé robe/steel toe work boots combination.
For those times when you want to feel like the sexiest man on the oil rig.">

<-"You'll probably just have to read something happy before you go to bed."
-"Like Elmo Makes a Friend">

<-"oh, what a cute poodle!"
-"I ate a dog like that once.">

<"We can't pray, we're not out of toilet paper!">

<"Moses reluctantly returned to the desert with a stick and a donut.">

<"BARBARA!">

<"Toilet paper is extremely hard to steer.">

<"Free range hamsters!">

<"Duuude! This marmot, uhhh, it came out of a rock, and it uhhh, it looked at me, and it said... B">

<"Tim, there's no "V" in Goldfish!">

<"Yeah, let's make him heiny-write Deuteronomy. The word, not the book!">

<"Yeah, I can just picture her standing in a public restroom and getting all misty-eyed as she stares at the toilet paper...">

<"Hey, your underwear is fuzzy! Can I touch it?">

<"...My belief is that someone called into the tip line telephonically...">

<"My marriage to Satan was a complete disaster...">

<-"I'm Squid-Man!"
-"Andrew?"
-"I have tentacles!">

<-"Aren't you all-knowing?">
<-"Oh, uh yeah. i forget... Umm... It Shall Be So! yeah!">

<"You can make an advertisement for Prozac! Everyone wears a happy hat!">

<"Think with your head. Not with your ass.">

<"I woke up this morning and decided that I wanted honey-nut cherrios for breakfast.
So, I went in the kitchen and got out cherrios and poured them in my bowl and opened up the refrigerator to get out milk.
When I picked it up it wasn't very heavy. I poured the very last milk into my bowl, which wasn't more than a tablespoon.
So I went out to the other refrigerator to get more milk, and I found that the only other milk we had was frozen.
I then put that milk in the microwave where thirty seconds later it burst into flames.
I threw the milk carton into the sink. I REALLY wanted those cherrios, so, I decided to try and put water in the bowl instead of milk.
It was really gross. And I don't know why I even tried that.
Anyways, that's my goofy silly blonde story for today.">

<"Okay, so there's no such thing as a dog breeding show.">

<"You can buy a fifteen dollar Barbie, and you can dress her up like a thirty dollar Barbie,
but you can't make her behave like a thirty dollar Barbie.">

<"Life sucks, and then you die. And then life sucks again.">
-Ancient Hindu proverb

<"-Those don't look like candy, they look like tampons!
-You read my mind!">

<"All you have to do is rub the nose really hard and then it's gay!">

<"I was like, 'why is she watching televangelism?
And I came in here and realized she was watching wrestling.">

<"arise and meet ye olde bitchslapeth!">

<"Dont kick me when I'm playing with my ear!">

<"Burn this before reading, Richard Nixon">
-White House Memo

<"WWJD... What Would Jesus Do... For a KLONDIKE Bar?">

<"WWSD... What Would Scobby Doo?">

<"You know, Christ had it hard. Being the Son of God and His mother being a virgin and all.
But not only did He have to deal with all that, He was also the only tall white guy in the Middle East.">

<"I shall stomp all those that oppose me,
The stomping shall be swift,
The stomping will be painful,
And I shall show no merrcy in all of my stomping,
-AMEN">

<"Its like a rave in a box, without the drugs!">

<"Rave in a box, Drugs sold seperately">

<"Oh that Jesus, he's so cute. He brought me back from the dead, do you think that he likes me?">

<"The Kharma Credit Plan: Buy now, pay forever">

<"You know what really sucks...
Taking 60mg of morphine and not even being able to enjoy the buzz...">

<"Hey you! Come back here!"
"What? I need to go to the bathroom..."
"Thats fine, but you can't wander the halls naked!">

<"I used to smoke heroin until my emphysema got REALLY bad">

<"I dont think that I would mind my children watching sex in movies...
Just not in multiple postitons...">

<"Sex Ties and Sex Socks brought to you by Sex Inc. just in time for college!">

<"AHHH! Naked little fat children in innertubes! No!">

<"Swans, yes, swans don't jiggle, think about swans">

<"Oh no! I've fallen and lost my froth!">

<"Time is Evil like a Drunk Satan">

<"NOOO! THERE IS NO BUTT-FACE ICON! THERE SHOULD BE A BUTT-FACE ICON!">

<"I bet that they all have French Maid coustumes, SHUDUP HOLLY! You dirty french boy, dont think!"
-"I'm a dirt french boy and I dont think">

<"Thats the way Joy would say that IF she was Lora Croft
and IF spent all day looking at naked men">

<"You raging Hug Whore!"
"Well, at least I'm not a cuddle slut!">

<"Hey man this is weed not a vegetarian convention, take it easy on the greenery!">

<"Damn you, Parker Brothers!">

<"Stay in your lane or you get AIDS!">

<"Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful princess of them all?"
"Spock, Spock is the most beautiful princess of them all!">

<"The Christmas Tree Will Eat Your Soul!">

<"Get off the babysitter, dad is home">

<"It's Jhihad Joe!
Here to fight the infidel from towel to toe!"
"Praise Allah!">

<"I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman">
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

<"Disco Jesus does NOT date boys!!!">

<"I'm sorry... but we just can't be together anymore...
You see... I'm... God...">

<"Who is this Orlando Bloom? Bring me Depp!>

<"Sex is not a Tennis orgy">

<"WARNING:This show contains homosexuality, pyrotechnics, and a Large Gorilla">

<"If I was to stop cusing I would be so pure that I would be swept up into Heaven and my children would be orphans">

<"I was a Hippie's dream date. I was tie-die! Not my clothes, but me!">

<"This is a song that is a lot more enjoyable without pants">
-Maynard James

<"Love and Hate are like two brothers on a date...
-they are like WHAT?!?!?!">

<"Remember, A kick in the ass is a step forward">

<"I think that Sadam should step down as head of Disney.
I don't care if Sadam is gay, he should be governor of Geogia">

<"Happy Jesus Pee!">

<"Damn, I wish I could make someone's balls drop.">

<"This is the voice of DOOM!"
-"Oh? Doom, eh?"
-"This is to tell you your days are numbered!"
-"Oh? Why numbered? Why not lettered or something?"
-"Uh... fine, uh.... LETTERED!
You have until V...v...v... *echo fade*">

<"I'm sorry i oppressed you, you damn Mexican.">

<"Greg's gonna get Hypno-Birthing,
but you can go to Smoking Cessation if you like...">

<"I hope you don't have issues wih personal space, because I sure don't!">

<"John, how did you get that table pregant?">

<"I need to pee but I can't feel my hands!">

<"Now that I am married, would you mind NOT
licking my ear when you are telling me secrets?">

<"Hey, don't take this seriously, it's just the internet.">

<"Cheaters never win... BUT damn do they always finish first!">

<"Oh no! Are you ok?
-I'm fine
-Well, Too bad! You being fine doesn't fit in with my recipe for DOOM!">

<"I am the Goddess of Evil Flaming Muffins!">

<"I like my Oval Office like I like my women...
Without BUSH!">

<"My messiah complex got crucified...
-I'm sorry that must have been terrible for you
-It was but it will be back on the 3rd day">

<"DAD! DAD! I have found her!
I have found the girl i want to marry!
*holds up her lost boot*
-And she fits in that boot?
-No dad, just her foot">
-Cindrella Wore Combat Boots-

<"We got to pick acorns and frisk them!">

<"okay you can be a sex carrot cake!">

<"-A little bunny at a toll booth?
-You heard me.
-But, Daddy, bunnies don't drive cars!
-*laughs* Oh, don't they?
-No. Actually I don't think they do.
-Live long enough, Hope, my dear. You'll see many things.">
- Urinetown

<"Shitaly, thats where Shitalians come from">

<"Venus? Thats a country!">

<"If someone came at my genitals with a knife, they would wake up in tied to a track, in front of a sawblade, in Iceland">

<"No. I figured it out - I had a rubber duck stuck on the end of my penis. It's gone now.">

<"And I would ask, 'Where the hell is Katy?'
And this great booming voice would come down and say, 'Hell IS Katy!'
And I would say, 'Well, cool! I was looking for a place to toast this.'
And I would put my pop tart on a stick and enjoy its gooey wonder.">

<"I smolder with generic RAGE!">

<"Then I looked at my bracklet and thought...
What would Jesus do?
So I set him on fire and sent him straight to hell">

<"There is something pokey in my pants.
I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom
to find out what it is.">
-Amy

<"Silly boys... Gaming is for girls!">

<"Man! Doing the scank is exhausting!">

<"I can't build it. The last time I built something
I got stuck underneath it because my breasts are too big!">

<"There is a fine line between a sack race and sodomy">

<"Only Pirate Wenches tear apart old friends!">

<"Don't come home dead you'll stink up the house!">

<"Mmmm... subtext">

<"I only have sex with Jesus, I only fuck God">

<"What the F***! Get out of my skirt Andrew!"
-"What? It's strechy">

<"Wow, it's all glittery! It looks like a drag queen exploded in there!">

<"My fake plants died... because I forgot to pretend to water them...">

<"Oh god, Snoop Dog must be spinning in his grave right now... wait...
Snoop Dog IS dead right? It's so hard to keep track">

<"My momma once painted a big mural of Jesus on the side of our trailer.
He was wearing overalls and a cowboy hat covered in shiny Jewels">

<"Why bother with Daniel-san when you can sex-up Mr. Miyagi?">

<"I lust for you my sex slave zombie Kurt Cobain">

<"to be bound is to be worshiped">
-Brandi

<"Dude! I found a pair of panties...
I think they came off the panty tree">

<"Nah - i like girls - i hope to impregnate one someday">

<"Genger Ale is a drink that tastes the way you foot feels when it's asleep">

<"Frankenstien' and 'My Fair Lady'are really the same story">
-William Holden

<"After three days, fish and guests stink">

<"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire">

<"We are still friends with the United States despite the United States help">

<"After sex ever animal is sad...
Except the human female and the rooster">

<"Now I can do body searches legally!">

<"Men kissing each other is very European.
I worry about those guys">

<"I like simple forecasts, like "snow, followed by little boys in sleds">

<"There is nothing wrong with Hollywood that six first-class funerals wouldn't fix">

<"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse">

<"Being cute is easy. Sleeping with the population of Nebraska is hard">

<"Keep your nose out of my shoes">

<"They'll nail anyone who ever scratched his ass durring the national anthem">
-Humphrey Bogart

<"He tried to cheat me. I won't sue him, it takes too long.
I WILL ruin him... and much faster">

<"Its been so long since I made love I cant remember who gets tied up">
-Joan Rivers

<"If Jesus were alive today... He'd be a shriner">

<"Reality is a crutch for people who cant cope with drugs">
-Lily Timlin

<"A woman reading a PLAYBOY feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual">
-Gloria Steinem

<"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on">
-Dean Martin

<"Any girl can be glamorous. All she has to do is stand still and look stupid">

<"Time to go visit the midget">
-Madonna

<"I was once trapped in a cab with only a towel on">

<"He had Van Gogh's ear for music">

<"Going topless is the prerogative of the young and nubile,
Not the old and infirm">

<"Having a male gynecologist is like having your car worked on by a mechanic who never owned a car">

<"Get my swan costume ready!">

<"I was toilet-trained at gunpoint">

<"GO!- And never darken my towels again!">

<"Beauty is only skin deep. And the uglier a woman is...
The thicker her skin better be!">

<"When she had her braces removed the entire football team sent a thank you letter to her dentist">

<"The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was...
'Are you sure your not a cop?"

<"He's such a hick. He doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom">

<"A hippie is someone that looks like tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah">
-Ronald Reagan

<"When a lady says no she means maybe. When she says maybe,
she means yes. If she says yes, then she is no lady">

<"America is a mistake. A giant mistake">
-Sigmund Freud

<"Sex is like credit, some get it and some don't">

<"Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill">

<"An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her">
-Agatha Christie

<"An orgasm is just a reflex, like a sneeze">
-Dr. Ruth Westheimer

<"Two's company, three's the result">

<"I have a terrible fear that the world will be buried
in a sea of non-refundable cans">

<"My greatest fear is being forced to walk down the street naked
with half a cantolope on my head, while being bludgened with potatos and fishing lures
and people screaming "YOU ARE A HAMPTSER">

<"Dip her in chocolate and thow her to the lesbains!">

<"I found Jesus...
He was behind the sofa all the time">

<"I'd rather pee glass">

<"Do Nazi zombie's eat Jewish brains?">

<"Santa lives on the moon">

<"Biting people without wearing pants might have inappropriate connotations">

<"WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the above,
as apparently my cat has learned how to type">
-PoisonedPure

<"Gun control is a must...
Keep guns out of the hands of blondes!">

<"Who am I kidding, I can't build a cat!">

<"I don't blame my brain but I DO blame my penis!">
-The 24th Annual Spelling Bee

<"When he wakes up he maybe psychotic">

<"You are a poor substitute for Abe Lincon">

<"Softer than a pillow stuffed with bunnies!">
-Reefer Madness The Musical

<"That is as worthless as a slut wearing panties on Prom Night">

<"I'm cold and hairless!
Make me warm and pregnant!">

<"Poligamy is not multi-tasking!">

<"Now, which pump action shotgun will go best with my outfit?">

< :P > TO THE TOP!