Realization is like waking up from a comatose of happy thoughts inside this fairytale world and just when you think everything's back to normal, one day, a word or just a situation out of nowhere, ignites the very reality of what you've been bleeding for on the first place.

And it's not nice. It's not right to live in deception and mask out everything that's occurred because one way or the other, the truth will eventually hit you like a ton of brick the least you expect it. It's not right to live in reality and highlight the losses and the tradgedies of your life because they could only lead you to chronic depression that will slowly eat and annhilate what's left of you. And I wonder how long will it be till I take the pill or to sleep endlessly? So I ask, how am I supposed to live-like, to be happy?

It's not right to wake up one morning and realize that everything inside your safe dome has been stolen from you. And you scream and scream but no one hears you. You pray that someone can read the brailles beneath your soul but all they can give is : "Are you OK?" And you wonder if you're ok and or if you're still living, so you slit your wrist out w/ a blade to reveal blood and answer : "Yes".

For the past years, I've been living in a dormant mode from all of the reality that is infront of me. I know I am a logic thinker but I was never a practical doer as I choose to live this way inside my safe cocoon. I don't like it when things hurt. I don't like reminiscing and lingering onto things that will eventually lead myself to further pain. I'd rather numb all emotions and spare getting killed thrice. As I'll do anything to avoid bleeding again because I've experienced too much than one at my age can cope up w/.

Nights after nights I wonder what it'd be like to be brought up just like the others who have nothing in mind but their shallow, pathetic excuse of life of a girl-boy perspective? Why must I have to be different? Sometimes I think of how much happier I'd be if if I took the other path from all my decisions now, I wonder - will I still be the same person? So I ask, have you ever sat down one day and thought of the other alternate choice you could've taken and how it would affect your life differently from today? And what if I took that other choice instead of this one, would my life be less complicated? Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I took Option B than A, would I still acquire the same blessings I've today or will they be invalidated too? Coz to be honest with you, much more than life itself, I wouldn't trade in anything for the world with all that I possess now as I slowly acknowledge and value my very significance walking this road.

But like right now, I realize that I've been warped up into deep slumber too long. I don't even know what's real anymore? There must be a reason why shits happen one way or the other; or do everything have a purpose in life that I should only be content of? So I will write what I think of. I'll repeat what I believe in over and over again or until I know who I really am .  >