THE CASE OF DR. LINUS MOMOH:

BLACKMAILER!!!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

REVEREND E. DWAYNE LOOPER -- MAN OF GOD

DR. LINUS MOMOH -- 419 CON ARTISTÉ

 

A WARNING TO ALL GOOD CHRISTIAN PERSONS: A TALE OF CRIME FOLLOWS!!!

 

LETTER RECEIEVD: 01 MAY 2004

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

PROPOSAL FOR URGNET BUSINESS ASSISTANCE.
With due regards, I take the liberty to contact you for an urgnet business transaction which will be of immense benefit to all parties concerned. I am Dr. Linus Momoh, the Director of the Foreign Debt Committee for the Office of the President of Nigeria. We are charged with paying all foreign debtors of our nation and supervsiing said contracts. With this respect, we are overseeing all foreign contracts let by the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). 

My committee has the total oversight for the award of contracts and goods for the NNPC. In the course of our assignment, we did over-invoice the contracts for some goods acqured to the NNPC as a result of which the sum of USD $35.0m (Thirty-Five-Millions of United States Dollars only) is now outstanding and payable. The original contractors who executed the jobs have since been fully paid off, leaving this outstanding sum. Unfortunately, we as civil servants are not allowed to own or operate a foreign account and it is also not possible for us to withdraw the money here locally.

We therefore need your kind assistance to transfer this outstanding sum of USD $35.0m to your accounts. We shall compensate you with 30% of the funds for your assistance after the transfer. We the officials here shall have 60% while 10% are mapped out for incidental expenses and you shall receive the balance of this 10% when all expenses have been paid. We etsimate 3% for expenses if this transaction can be concluded quickly, no more than five business days with your full cooperation.

Please note that this transaction is 100% risk-free as we are using our positions to facilitate it. All logistics has been carefully mapped out for a hitch free transaction. The new civilian dispensation in Nigeria has given a most auspicious environment to do the transaction and all the record will be removed and destroyed immediately after the transfer. We must demand that you keep the transaction in the strictest confidences at all times to protect our mutual interests.

You need to send us the particulars of your nominated bank account where the funds will be transferred. As soon as we receive this, we shall commence the process and it is expected to take 5 working days for the complete transfer to be effected. Send your response to my e-mail address above and include your private tel/fax number for ease of communication.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Linus Momoh

$35,000,000 in free cash??? Reverend Looper is all over this action:

Dear Dr. Momoh:

My name is Reverend E. Dwayne Looper. I am the Chief Executive Officer of Looper Ministries International where I also serve as the CEO. Looper Ministries International conducts evangelical programs in 80 nations and we also distribute powdered milk and Bibles to Africa. I am EXTREMELY INTERESTED in helping you to massage this wet and meaty transaction to a panting conclusion.

My bank accounts are held by Drinkwater Financial Services of French Tahiti. My numbered bank accounts with the numbers indicated are as follows:
 
0001456578
00015679-0
0001768989
0007638798
0006142490

Please let me know if you would like a copy of the Holy Bible in your mother tongue. I can also send you as many as 800 tins of powdered milk if you need nutrition. Are you well-nourished? If not, you will not be able to conduct our transaction. Please let me know if you need either a Bible, powdered milk, or ground antlers from reindeer which may be used as a poultice for Stigmata, this I learned recently from the actor Mel Gibson. 

 
Yours in Jesu,

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper

 

Dear Rev Looper:

I received your letter and have reviewd it for adeaqucy. Teh Councel has select you to procede with this transaction. I will need your cell at earleist possoble convenence as we most speak. Well I am good with nourishment and I have a Holy Bible in English which I read at each morning while praying. I do use animal prepartions as you suggest for my medical case and so yes send me the poltice.

What i will need now from you is $3000 USD for drug-free certifcate. This is issued by my offices and is to certfy that this money is not come from drug sells or terrorisms. I have paid 1/2 of the fee and so as my partner, you will pay the other 1/2 of the indicated fee. We cannot effect transfer of $35.0m without the certifcate.

 Please send the money by Western Union to:

Mr. Iqbal Sensessi

Lagos, Nigeria

Send me back test question and answer with control number. Time is of essnce and so please to do this with alacrety.   

Dr Linus Momoh

 

Dear Dr. Momoh:

$3000? $3000? $3000?

Did you say $3000???

That is one heck of a lot of money. I will have to sell many of my possessions to get my greasy mitts on this kind of jack. However, I have made a promise to help you and so I will go get the $3000.

Yours in Jesu,

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper

 

Dear Rev Looper:

Advice me how soon will you to send the $3000? It is uregent so that the money is not forfeit to the government. Please I will need your cell number. Please itwill behoove you to sell your posessions for to get the $3000. You will have a fortune of money next week and so there is only a small price to pay.You can then pirchase all new posessions next week at this time. It is what God ment for to happen for you to have new posessions.

Write back to me while I wait.

Dr Linus Momoh

 

Dear Dr. Momoh:

I sold almost all of my possessions, but not my treasured vagina prosthesis. It took some doing. Dr. Keller purchased some epithelial cells from my colon. I have sold my bed, my guns, my stove, and my coin collection. 

I then rushed out in a hot jiffy and have sent the $3000 to Igbal Senssesi by WU.

Test Question: What Color is God?

Answer: God is All Colors.

C/N 5863489008

 

Notice now that Dr. Momoh switches to ALL CAPS. Not getting the $3000 must have upset him. What probably happened was that Rev. Looper's letter was escalated up from "the catchers" who find victims to the "guymen" who work the victims. 

DEAR REV LOOPER:

MR. SENSESSI WAS AT WU ALL THIS MORNING AND WAS TOLD THAT YOUR SENDING OF $3000 WAS NOT IN THE WU SYSTIM. HE WENT BACK THIS AFTERNOON AND WAS TOLD THAT YOUR SENDING OF $3000 STILL DID NOT APPERE IN THE WU SYSTIM. PLEASE URGENETLY INVESTIGITE AS THIS DELAY WILL CAUSE GREAT PROBOLEMS TO ME AND MY STAFF. OUR FATE IN ALL THINGS MUST NOW BE IN YOUR HANDS. 

DR. LINUS MOMOH

 

Dear Dr. Momoh:

Well you can spank my bottom and call me Nancy! I know I sent that money because I personally handed it to the very lovely and very buxomly Ms. Lou Ella Hortence. She is the clerk at the WU office and I send money to missionaries all the time with her able assistance. I guess this hitch in our gitty-up will give me an excuse to trot on down to the WU office and admire Lou Ella once again. Damn but she gets me all hot and bothered!!!

I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I literally have to strap my male member to my leg when I go to the WU office. If I didn't, I would be sporting a Woodrow a mile long!!! Know what I mean, pardner? (WINK WINK) It's a good thing I have a vagina prosthesis at home to alleviate my carnal desires! Do you keep a vagina prosthesis at home sir? If not, you should consider one for the hot steamy nights when female company is unavailable and Rosey Palm and her five sisters just won't do the trick. I know a mail order place where you can order a vagina prosthesis and they ship it in a brown paper box for privacy. A fella named Vader owns the company. He is a major pervert in my book but builds a damn good vagina prosthesis. The Vader model is the best one out there on the market in my opinion. It is a hell of a lot better than slipping the skin to a mere coffee mug! Not that I don't fancy a custom coffee mug. I'm gonna order me one here pretty quick from a fella overseas somewhere.  

Okay, so I'm gonna hop on my Vespa and beat a path down to WU and resend the money.

Yours in Jesu,

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper

PS: I do not have a cell phone. I dont believe in owning the damn things. I read where they cause brain cancer! I need brain cancer like a hole in the head!

 

DEAR REV LOOPER:: PLEASE ENSURE ME YOU HAVE NOW SENT THE $3000 BY WU. WE ARE IN DANGRE OF LOSING THIS TRANSACTION. WE NEED TO COMPLTE THE CERTFICATE TODAY OR TOMOROW AT THE LATEST OR THE MONEY WILL BE FORFEIT TO THE GOVERMENT. WE ARE ALLRELY ON YOU. YOU NOW TO NEED TO GET A CELL SO WE CAN TALK. THE CELL PHONES DONT CAUSE CANCERS. I HAVE USED ONE DALY FOR SOME FIVE YEARS WITH NO REVRSE EFFCTS. E-MAIL ME WITH THE C/N AND TEST QUESTION/ANDWER. 

DR LINUS MOMOH

 

Dear Dr. Momoh:

Okay, the $3000 has been sent to you by WU.

C/N 2080014846

Test Question: Who is Jesu?

Answer: Jesu is YHWH

Yours in Jesu,

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper

 

REV LOOPER:

AGAIN MR. SENESSI WENT TO THE WU OFFICE AND WAS AGAIN TOLD THAT NO SUCH TRANFER WAS MADE BY YOU AND NO C/N EXSICTED AS YOU SAID. THIS IS A VERY SERIOS MATTER AND PEOPLE HERE HAVE THEIR BACKS UP TO THE WALL. YOU MOST EXPLAIN WHY THIS HAS HAPPNED. THIS NEVER HAPPENS BEFOR. PLEASE CHECK YOUR INFORMATIONS. YOU WILL NEED TO GET A CELL OR WE CANNOT FINISH THIS TRANSACTION, IT IS MOST IMPIERATIVE THAT WE SPEEK AT ONCE OR I FEAR ALL WILL BE LOST!!!!!

DR LINUS MOMOH

 

What is interesting in Dr. Momoh's letters is that he keeps demanding that I get a cell so he can call me, yet he never gives me his cell phone number -- and the lads are usually very quick to give you their cell phone numbers. Why is this? Is he trying to save money by making me call him on my dime? 

 

Dear Dr. Momoh:

I received your letter and have reviewd it for adeaqucy. The facts and conclusions you have drawn are incorrect and wholly without basis in any kind of artificial reality system of which I am aware. You tell that Mr. Senseless of yours to turn his wagon around and go back down to that WU office. There is tomfoolery afoot somewhere because I am not making any of this up. I have better things to do than to have your assistant traipse all over Laggos. 

On another matter: I will go down to the new Wal Mart and get me one of those cell phones. I am relying on you for medical advice because you are a Doctor and you have told me that cell phones do not cause brain cancer. Should I ever get brain cancer I will go after your medical license and perhaps even your Corvette, this assuming you own one. To this point, what kind of car do you drive sir? I should like to know as I may be able to you replacement tires at a substantial discount.

Yours in Jesu,

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper

 

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