Things you won’t see on a Hallmark Card

                                        As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . .

                                        That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

                                        If I get only one thing for Christmas. . .

                                        I hope it’s your sister.

                                        I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

                                        After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

                                        I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

                                        I never believed in hell ‘til I met you.

                                        Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder. . .                                        What the f*@# was I thinking?

                                        I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.

                                        And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

                                        Sex with you is like using drugs:

                                        Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.

                                        When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.

                                        Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

                                        The holidays are a great time to be with family.

                                        Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving

                                        in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

                                        I’m so miserable without you . . .

                                        It’s almost like you’re here.

                                        If you ever need a friend . . .

                                        Buy a dog.

                                        Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

                                        Did you ever find out who the father was?