Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (really? which one? yours or mine, or is there someone else)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure???Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time? Besides how do I know which wrinkles I really have to iron)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.Besides how do they see over the dash and reach the pedals)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to where else?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but what kind of nuts?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Okay, I'd love to see the lawsuit that caused this)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy! What next? the Easter bunny? Santa Claus? I'm taking the suit back)

Funny Stuff