Sorry to have been so quiet for so long. Perhaps this will help explain why. I don't know where you draw the line between abuse and BDSM, but the last relationship I was in went past it a long time ago, IMHO anyway. I met a man online around March or so and began to become involved with him very quickly much TOO quickly as it turned out. I met him RT in May, and did observe the safety precautions, as I always do, but they only provide for one's physical safety, I began to see him every weekend at his home, which was about 700 miles away, at his request. This was a time of great emotional insecurity and vulnerability for me, as I had lost my job in February, and my unemployment was running out, and although I was working part time, I had been unsuccessful in finding full time employment. He took full advantage of this. He offered to move me to his home in late July, promised to take care of me, since I had had such a difficult time. I ended up coming here, getting him out of jail for unpaid child support, giving him somewhere in between 2-3000 of my money (including a thousand dollar retirement check about 2 weeks after I got here), hundreds and hundreds of hours of my time working on his webpages and various businesses, caring for his child, keeping his house clean, running his errands. I went out and worked so the household utilities could be paid, there could be milk in the house for his child, etc. I rarely if ever saw any of the money, as I gave it all to him. He had affairs with other women and used MY car to go see them, as his vehicles were not in operating condition. I trusted this man implicitly, although numerous people, including his mother, attempted to warn me about him. I tried and tried to serve and please him, although NOTHING I did was ever right or "good enough." Everything was always my fault, or someone else's fault. When he had a temper tantrum and tore up belongings, it was because I (or someone else) "made" him do it. When he was cruel to animals, it was because they "made" him angry. When he had other women, though we were supposedly monogamous, it was because I "made him crazy." The first time he moved another woman into the house I went to the Battered Women's Shelter. He moved her out 4 days later, and we talked, and supposedly things would be alright if I just lost weight, learned to please him more sexually, etc, etc. So I tried. Then he decides we are just gonna be friends until his businesses get off the ground, because he doesn't have time for more, and he just doesn't see why I can't stay and work on his businesses as "they will be half mine one day anyway." Oddly enough, he had plenty of time for a 19 year old high school senior. This time, I stayed, though the situation was by this time making me physically ill. I lost about 20 pounds in 2-3 weeks due to not being able to keep food down, could not sleep, had constant headaches, etc. It got so bad that for the last two days, all I did was cry as he yelled at me constantly. He finally ended up threatening to slit my throat and dispose of my body where no one would ever find it, then putting me out on the street at 1 am, keeping the majority of my paycheck which had been direct deposited into his account the previous day. He refused to pay the phone bill, so now if I am ever in a position to have a telephone again, I have to pay a hefty phone bill plus a deposit. He paid for my storage unit (With *MY* money) with a hot check, so I am now locked out of my storage unit. He had the police bar me from his home, and every time I go back to beg for some of my possessions, I have to have a police escort. I eventually filed a DVO (Domestic Violence Order) and am pursing legal action through the courts (not, mind you, for physical abuse, but for mental, emotional, and financial abuse). Why am I telling you all this? To warn others. This man has done this to at least five other women I am aware of, which means it's likely the tip of the iceberg. Worse, he routinely preys on and victimizes BBWS. Be very very careful of quick involvement, and even more leary of financial control. Get references, and FOLLOW UP ON THEM. If numerous people try to warn you about a person, at least consider that they might be telling the truth. I don't know what love is anymore, and I sure as heck don't know what submission is, but I know it doesn't hurt this bad. Moonvine
This was originally a post to several mailing lists. This individual got into an email account we both knew the password to and attempted to send a retraction. To see it, click here.
For more information on how abusers view the world, click here.
For a look at my Abuse/Recovery Journal, click here.
If you feel you have been the victim of a similar crime, or just want to chat, email me.