Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan-worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. Then he told Nietzche that the dog is dead . . .
Two peanuts were walking down the sidewalk. One was a salted
What do you call a canary that flies into an electric fan? Shredded tweet
An Eskimo was arrested with wives in Nome, Anchorage, Juno & Fairbanks. When the cops asked how he could marry so many women he answered, "Strong sled dogs."
A city boy went to visit cousin Oral in Mississippi. Oral said, "Why don't you borrow my rifle and do some hunting with my dogs?" The city boy was back in a half hour and said, "That was great!"
"So why are you back already?" The city boy, reloading the rifle, said, "I need some more dogs to hunt."
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he crossed a dog with a goldfish? I don't know but it's chasing submarines.
Then there was the redneck Sheriff who went tramping in the woods with his dogs. They bagged three tramps.
Red Adair's Hellfighters weren't available for a big Texas oilwell fire, so they called a small company from Oklahoma. Soon, a truck appeared in the distance. It got closer and closer, coming to a stop right next to the raging fire. Men jumped off and beat the fire out in a few moments with anything that was handy. The Texas oil men were stunned.
The foreman said, "I've never seen anything like that. Here's your check, you earned it. What are you going to do with the money?" The Oklahoman said, "First, we're going to fix the brakes on that dang truck!"
Beethoven died in 1827 and has been decomposing ever since.
Sir Lancelot was caught in a blizzard and his horse died. Struggling thru the snow, he came upon a huge St. Bernard sheepdog. Exhausted, Lancelot fell halfway on the dog, which led him to an inn. He knocked weakly at the door. The innkeeper opened the door. "Kind sir, perchance, would you have a room?" The innkeeper shook his head, "Sorry, the archery tournament's in town and all the rooms are full." Lancelot wheezed, "Then may I stay out of the storm in your barn?" The innkeeper glanced at the tired St. Bernard and said, "Why of course! I would never send a knight out on a dog like this."
The year 2000 is a bad time to catch frogs, it's a leap year
A woman pestered her husband to let her go hunting and see why he thought it was so much fun. So he finally gave her his gun and warned her that someone might try to take her deer if she wasn't quick to claim it. After a while, she spotted a large brown shape moving near a tree and shot it. No sooner had she arrived to claim the kill then a man came crashing out of the bushes toward her. She stood her ground, raising her gun and saying, "This is my deer!" The man glowered and said, "Ok lady, but could I at least take my saddle?"
While cats are washable, most shrink from it
There was a knock at the door. A parrot inside said "Who is it?" A man outside said, "The exterminator." The parrot said, "Who is it?" The man said, "The exterminator!" The parrot said, "Who is it?" The man kicked on the door and said, "The exterminator!!!" and then died from a heart attack. Later, the owner came home and saw the dead man lying halfway in the door, and said, "Who is it?" The parrot answered, "The exterminator."
Why do dogs run so fast in the Southwest? Because it's so far between good trees.
A little girl passing the pet store saw parakeets in the window and said, "Look Mommy, the canaries aren't ripe yet.
"Want to see a great bird?" the pet store owner said. He pulled a string tied to a parrot's right leg and it sang Yankee Doodle. Then he pulled a string tied to it's left leg and it sang Jingle Bells. "What happens if you pull both legs at the same time?" the customer asked. The parrot glowered and said, "I fall down!"
One mouse turned to the other and said, "Watch this. I've trained the humans to give me food every time I run thru the maze."
A man walked into a pet shop and said, "I want a talking parrot." The owner brought one out and said to it, "Speak." The parrot took a deep breath and said, "Money is the root of all evil. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is nothing to fear but fear itself." The shop keeper said, "Pretty impressive, no?" The visitor said, "How much?" The store keeper said, "A thousand dollars." The man said, "For that much money I want a parrot that writes his own stuff."
Why are some pet store owners greedy? Because their work makes them sell fish
One day Roy Rogers was out in a jeep with his ranch foreman checking the fence. He usually rode his horse Trigger, but the day before the horse had spooked when it saw a mountain lion and he hadn't been to town yet to replace the brand-new leather riding boots that flew off his feet. They got to the place and found Roy's boots. Both had been completely destroyed by gnawing. The foreman noticed that a cougar was on a nearby hill watching them and said, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Roy decided not to shoot it, so they headed back to the ranch house. But the dirt road was very rough and lugnuts got too loose one side. They hit a big pothole and the right-rear tire went flying off the jeep, down into a deep arroyo. They got out and just stood there looking down until the foreman said, "You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel."
Then there was the frog that went to a doctor because he didn't feel jumpy
In the old West cowboys used to chase cattle on horseback. How those cattle learned to ride horseback I don't know
This joke was too long so it's on another page
Marveling at a certain employee’s ability to sell toothbrushes, the head of the sales department decided to follow him around one day. He soon observed this particular salesman choose a busy street corner on which to set up an array of toothbrushes and a small bowl of brownish stuff surrounded by chips. The salesman would then select a likely customer and announce, "Good morning! We’re introducing "Nifty Chip Dip" would you like a free sample?" Tasting the dip, the bystander would invariably spit it out in disgust and howl, "It tastes like mud!" "Yes, it does," the salesman would inform them calmly. "Care to buy a toothbrush?"
What's the only muscle in the human body that's only attached on one end? Here's a hint: if cut off, it can never be re-attached. It's the tongue. If you thought it was something else, check out 59,000 pages of Clinton jokes
Return to Monstervision hallway page
Or go to Monstervision movie listings
Or go to TV Listings for fans of Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Horror and Suspense-Mystery
Somebody else's batch of jokes & humor