Quick Wits

Ever watch ants just crawling around? They walk in that single straight line, a long, a long, long mile of ants. Sometimes they will walk over and pick up their dead friends and carry those around. I'm pretty sure it's because they can get in the carpool lane and pass up that line.

Al Gore turned down a chance to be on "The Simpsons". He explained, "I've never been animated and I'm not going to start now."

I began performing political comedy the same year Ronald Reagan began performing his.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

This guy came up to me in a bar and said, "Hey Cupcake, can I buy you a drink?" I said, "No, but I'll take the three bucks."

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.

Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke.

A lot of people wonder how you know you're in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?"

My parents have been married for fifty years. I asked my mother how they did it. She said, "You just close your eyes and pretend it's not happening."

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."

I joined a singles group in my neighborhood. The other day the president called me up and said, "Welcome to the group. I want to find out what kind of activities you like to plan." I said, "Well, weddings."

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I don't think of myself as single. I'm romantically challenged.

I just got junk mail from this organization that wants me to save the forest. I sent them back a letter saying stop sending me the junk mail and save the forest yourself.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God - I could be eating a slow learner!"

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Oh, friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

We're a trillion dollars in debt. Who do we owe this money to? Someone named Vinnie?

I'm so wracked with guilt. I don't want to stop therapy because I'm afraid to take the income away from my therapist. He's got kids in college.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn't can grow can be vice president.

I'm so insecure, I'm not sure I'm insecure. I worry so much, sometimes I worry... that I don't worry enough.

Your sister is so ugly they gotta tie pork chops on her neck so that the dog will play with her.

I never know how much of what I say is true.

I used to go fishing until it struck me: You can buy fish. What the hell am I doing in a boat at four-thirty in the morning? If I want a hamburger, I don't track people down.

Why do they sell lemon juice made with artificial ingredients and lemon floor polish made with real lemon juice? Now I drinktea with a twist of Mop 'n Glow.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire?

She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said "Where is he?"
"Relax, he'll be late... he's playing poker with you."

My father is the mayor of the town right now. It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be the mayor. He is the mayor right now. They elected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifth caller... We're proud of him. He is a quick dialer.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

You know what they're doing with your taxes? They're spending your money, hundreds of billions of dollars, on defense. To defend us from the Russians, the Libyans, the Iranians. When was the last time a Russian and broke into your car? I'm not worried about Russians, I'm worried about Americans! You're going to defend me, defend me from Americans! Get my butt back from Burger King alive!

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them. He is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter..."

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire.

After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge, stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.

After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson.

A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with change.

Always give 100% at work....

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

On the back of a motorbiker's jacket.
"IF YOU CAN SEE THIS MY GIRLFRIEND FELL OFF!"

Kid : Do you punish people for things they don't do?
Teacher: No.
Kid : Great! I didn't do my homework.

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.

"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.

"Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."

We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department half way.

Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

I watched a fishing show today on TV. Have you ever watched fishing for about 15 minutes and said, "Boy, I need a life"?

Seventy-five percent of your body heat is lost through the top of your head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.

To me, an elevator is a coffin on a string. Dangling over an abyss. Remember the plane crash in the Andes? When the survivors ate the dead passengers? I'm not proud of this but when I take an elevator, I bring a knife and fork and pray for fat passengers.

I like dogs. I do. But they're not that bright, really. Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

Parent: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

Ask yourself why the New York City subway system, alone of all the mass transit systems in the world, has maps inside rather than outside the trains. It's to force you to get on the wrong train in order to find out where you're going... You decipher the map to discover that the first step in reaching your destination is to get off the wrong train at the next stop.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

It was tragic. They arrested an Amish man and put him in jail. Think about it. It's terrible. It's worse than me and you. Take him down there. Give him that one phone call. Who the hell is he going to call? None of his friends have telephones.