november 10, 2003
haha, i knew this wouldn't last long, it's been almost a month since i've put anything on here. but yeah, i've decided nick is a lost cause, he's never gonna be what i want in a guy, so why waste my time trying to change someone who isn't going to change, or even grow up for that matter? oh yeah, there was the hottest guy at cbs a couple weeks ago. he works the shift before i do...i wonder how old he is...i know he's korean...haha. but i missed my shift on sat. cuz i have a cold so i didn't get to see him...maybe i'll see him my next shift, hafta go in early for the youth committee meeting anyways. i'm so excited, my b-day is only a few days away! haha, then i can finally go clubbing and stuff. i know i sent out that e-mail to a lot of ppl, but i'm actually hoping not that many ppl go. i'd rather have a smaller group than a larger group. altho, i wouldn't mind having a larger group come out for dinner, and then a smaller group coming out w/ me afterwards to the club/metro. i think it's gonna be so much fun. i'm totally psyched. but man, i just hafta rant about ppl who are looking for a free ride through life. i mean, who the hell ever said life was easy? i mean, look at me, i've been through a lot and i dun really bitch or complain about my life to ppl. i mean yes, i bitch about certain ppl and the things they do, but those are things i just need to get off my chest. like seriously, how can ppl expect that they can just ask certain ppl, who know what they want in life, what they should do, and expect that person to just tell them what to do? i mean i hate it when ppl do that. especially when chris does it, i mean, other ppl i dun mind so much b/c they dun ask me very often, but then chris, holy shit man, all he wants is a free ride through life. geez, i'm not gonna lead him through life. i'm not gonna tell him what courses he should take b/c i dunno what the hell he wants to do. i mean, how hard is it to open up the calendar and take a look at what u need to take for the degree u want? geez. and then dun think that i'm gonna help u in classes b/c i'm not. university is competitive and i'm not gonna help ppl who dun do anything for me. i mean, yes, there are ppl who always help me out when i dun understand, so i dun mind helping them. but he just expects me to spoon feed him the answers, hell no, i don't think so. i've worked way to hard to get to where i am now to just help other ppl beat me. life doesn't work that way. if u want a free ride, go somewhere else. go to grant or nait where they treat u like high school students. geez, no one ever said life was easy, and if u dunno that by now, u must be some kind of idiot. especially when u think that just by being friends w/ someone who's smarter than u means u've got urself a free ride. hell no, cuz when that smarter person is successful and living the life they worked hard to earn, dun expect that person to be willing to just hand u what u think u deserve when u've never worked for it. or when u haven't worked anywhere as hard as that successful person. it's just not gonna happen. well, there's my rant. i think i'm done...for now...haha

october 19, 2003
yeah, it's days like today that make me realize why i'm not w/ nick. that conversation was just...unpleasant, and it seemed like we had a lot of convos like that when we were still together...it's the other convos that i wish we had...i think i keep giving myself false hope about nick. i dun even know why i do that, but i've come to realize that me hoping things would be diff if i actually did have time for him is just way out there. it's something that isn't gonna happen. i think it really is me giving myself false hope. i mean, when i went out w/ len last night, it felt more like a date than anything i've ever done w/ nick. it was something that was truly enjoyable and i didn't really want to end b/c i had fun...and he was considerate, realizing i can't stay out too late, letting me decide...sometimes, haha. he's just a friend, but it's so much more like dating than it was going out w/ nick...i suppose b/c it's diff circumstances since len can drive and he lives near me and all...but still u know...like, i actually got to do things that i wanted to do, and len did it w/ me...and he paid for dinner, he actually had money...u know, that's one of the other things that i really don't understand...with me, nick always said he had no money, but i mean, they do something every friday, and he always has money to go to the movies at silvercity or whatever, but he never had money to do anything w/ me...what the hell is up w/ that? geez...i'll never understand that...i dun get why he did that...but u know...whatever, doesn't matter anymore.

october 17, 2003
i think i did okay on the organic midterm...i hope i end up on the right side of the curve...so i can get an a and keep my gpa up there. well, work wasn't too bad, but i was there wasn't a freeze on raises...then i could make more money in less time. that means i wouldn't hafta work as much. i'm so happy tho, this weekend is my first full weekend off ever since i started work, besides when i purposely booked it off. i'm gonna spend this weekend relaxing, and i think i'm gonna need to catch up w/ some readings, so not too much relaxing. but a much needed rest for me...i started to realize i was getting really stressed. prolly b/c i have a midterm every week, and it's gonna be that way for prolly a month yet. u know, sometimes when i talk to nick, i still wonder why he never seemed to do anything for me...like, he's a great guy to talk to, but he's not very thoughtful at all...it's like, i wish he knew how to be a good b/f. it would make me want to be a better g/f. he's just so clueless, and i dun wanna constantly give him pointers and stuff...so i guess unless i knew for sure things would be diff and better, i dun wanna take another risk...it just doesn't seem like it's totally worth it right now...and that balancing between school, work and him would still hafta occur, and i'm not sure how well that would work. only time will tell...

october 14, 2003,br> well, bio reports really suck. i thought i had most of it done ahead of time cuz i had my rough draft done, but i guess not. i still hafta do the discussion, but i'm not sure i can really do this anymore. my report is really short, but i guess it's really to the point. i'm not really writing too much extra stuff. i think after i finish writing this, i'm gonna just finish up the graphs and the appendix and literature citations, go to bed, and finish everything up early in the morning. i feel like i think better after i've had a bit of rest. cuz right now, i'm feeling pretty tired. well, i dunno, but for some reason, talking to nick now feels different from when i talked to him before. i'm not too sure what the difference is, but it seems more like the kind of talks i wanted. something more relaxed and...i guess he seems more mature too. maybe it's the state of mind that i have that makes him seem different, i dunno what it is really. i'm still not too sure if a relationship is what i want from him...i kind of do, but i also kind of don't. he seems more like how i want him to be, more mature, but he can still make me laugh, or just happy in general. at the same time, i still dunno if any of the other things would change. like, would he do more things for me? be sweeter? more romantic? more unexpected things? i'm not really sure, so that's why i don't know if it would be worth it or not...it's still that if i don't try i don't know what could happen, but it's not like i haven't tried before. it's not like he didn't have chances before, what would change? so many unknown things makes it hard to decide on what's the best thing to do...i think i still need to think about it a little bit more, perhaps when i've got less on my plate...but i get to upgrade my pc, yay! hahaha. back to the lab report :(

october 12, 2003
man, that len, he always ditches me in the middle of something, geez. i need to find a way to get back at him...but i wonder how...i'll think of something...hahaha, i should get him to take me to wem one day, and then i'll run off w/ his keys, haha. then he'll know never to ditch me again. nah...too mean...oh well...but i find that i can't look at nick anymore...i don't know why...but it makes me feel uncomfortable. maybe because when i look at him, a part of me misses him or maybe because altho he's started talking to me again, things feel awkward. i'm not totally sure why, but things still don't feel right...i can't seem to figure it out...the question still remains...should i say something or should i not? is there a point? it's not like saying something would fix anything right? i can't turn him into someone he's not...i can't make him be how i want him to be...he has to do it because he wants to, but i don't think he does...when he doesn't really have the motivation to do anything outside of what he has to do for school, how can i expect anything from him? i guess i can't...i guess it's true that u can't like everything about a person, but...i dunno, i guess somehow i just keep thinking that it's in him, the things that i want are in him somewhere, he just doesn't do anything...so if i can't bring it out of him, would there be a point? no...not really...as time goes by, nothing really feels better, like i still feel like something's wrong...but at the same time, it's like as time goes by, there also isn't any more of a reason to mention anything...so i think i'll just leave things be and see how things go. what else can i do? well, i still have a lot to do, so i better go get it all done before tm. hafta cook a stupid turkey...geez...i always have to do all the work for a stupid turkey...someone else should make it...

october 7, 2003
i dunno, after all this time, my thoughts are still everywhere...should i say something or should i not? does it even matter anymore? is it worth it? did he ever feel i was worth doing anything for? did he ever put any thought into us? or maybe into how he would ever live up to his 'i'll make it up to u' which he said he would keep his word to? did he ever really understand who i am and why i do what i do? he doesn't understand my independence, my...i suppose u can call it my responsibility to help out my parents when they need it. why else would i work so much if i had the choice not to? i'd have so much more time to do other things...i'd actually have a life...but was our relationship actually worth working for? from what i saw, i guess not. altho i feel more and more like everything that happened was my bad, it also seems like he didn't care very much anyways. so i guess there isn't a point in wondering anymore about this is there? prolly not, so i suppose i should start putting all these thoughts to rest...stupid midterms, i hate studying...too much to study for...i hope most of these exams aren't cumulative...otherwise i'll be screwed. too much stuff to do so i guess i better go get those things done. aiya...

october 5, 2003
well, i dunno, i have 2 midterms this week, so i guess i dun have very much time to do other things. i suppose i dun really have the energy to think about what's gonna happen anymore, i just wanna do well on my midterms considering i was disappointed with the results of the psych midterm. i guess it wasn't all that bad, but it wasn't what i wanted. haha, work was funny on friday, quite interesting. apparently the guy who used to go to concordia got offended cuz i said u of a is harder than concordia, which it is...but yeah, it was funny, one of those things where u had to be there i suppose. i really like my new hair cut, hehe, i like the highlights too, turned out pretty well. i dun really know what's gonna happen with nick, but i suppose whatever happens happens. can't really tell the future...but then again, i haven't really talked to him since we broke up...i guess i kinda miss talking to him. ah, we'll see how things go. i think i'm gonna ask if i can take the month off for volunteering. and i get a day off every weekend now, which is pretty good. i actually have time to do stuff now. like i finally got to go shopping for the first time in 2 months. i think i'm too tired to have any real thoughts now...but back to the books it is...

october 1, 2003
wow, it's october already, and i've actually written a midterm...i guess this is gonna turn into an online journal type thing since no one knows about it, or forgot about it, hehe. but i started to wonder today...am i more stressed than i let myself believe? i'm starting to think i am and i'm scared some day i'm just gonna have a stress attack of some sort...it seems like the time has passed by quickly, but at the same time it feels like it's been longer than it's actually been. sometimes it seems like time passes by quickly, but yet...so slowly...i dun really know why...and talking to sandra the other day, i'm starting to think that our break up is mostly my fault, it's all my bad really. maybe i don't let myself believe i'm stressed out, but i am, that's why i get irritated so easily...i mean, it's hard to just let go and relax when i have to work so much and then when i get home everyday i have a lot of work to do. i mean, i'm so far behind in readings...i mean, i haven't done any yet...so what am i gonna do? i don't know...maybe that's why it seemed like nick was starting to bother me. and then i guess since i started working, i never really did give him a chance to do anything...so the things that i thought was wrong was really in my head right? i guess what i really want right now is something like what sandra has. a b/f who isn't really a b/f...like, doing all that b/f g/f stuff but w/o the title. i think that would work well for me b/c then there's no pressure of having to spend a certain amount of time w/ someone, but it's still a bit of a relationship...and then when things settle down and i can afford to cut down on work, then it can possibly become something more serious, depending on how things go. is that what nick wants? i highly doubt it. come to think of it, ppl have made me realize some things i forgot about him. i guess i shouldn't have expected all that much when he's so...shy when it comes to these things, but i guess i just forgot b/c he doesn't seem that way when ur talking to him. i don't totally know what's going on in my head for sure...but i guess terry was right and maybe there really was something special about him that i miss...thing is, there's a lot of things he doesn't know...and i don't totally know how to tell him those things, but then again it's not really important anymore now is it? is there really anything left to try to fix? i don't really know...but on a happier note, i'm getting my hair cut tm, yay! it hasn't been this long is quite a long time and i might get it highlighted too, yay, haha. aiya, too many midterms...too much studying to do. back to the grind it is.

september 29, 2003
i guess one of the things that was most lacking about my relationship w/ nick was that he never did anything sweet for me. i guess u can say i'm one of those hopeless romantics, i really like those out of the blue things that guys do. everytime i hear karen tell me about what matt did for her or what someone else did for his g/f i always wish that i had a story to tell too. but then for nick, it's like if he did do something for me, it didn't seem like it was b/c he wanted to b/c there was usually some sort of complaint that came w/ it. like take k-days, yes, he got me the pass, and it only took him like 10 mins. of work, but yet, he came home and he complained about how he had to get up so early to go do it and stuff...i dunno, i guess like i told him before, i wanted him to put more thought into the things he does and to be...nicer, haha, wasn't that always my main complaint? but then again, i don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to. i want him to do something willingly for me, b/c he wants to do it. how much sense does that make? geez, i dunno...i guesss i'll just sit back and go w/ the flow, not much else i can do...altho i guess i really do miss talking to him...i miss the talks we had when we first started going out, i miss those times b/c that's when i was happiest w/ him. i wish everything stayed that way, but then again, i also wish i didn't hafta work, but how likely is it for that to come true? not very i suppose...i don't have a choice when it comes to working, but i really hope it doesn't affect the rest of my life very much...too much stress on myself could be a bad thing i suppose...but i guess it's another one of those things that nick can't relate to...altho, it would be nice if he tried a little harder when it came to all things me...that's selfish isn't it? i suppose it is, but i can't help how i feel...i mean, even if he didn't know what to do he could always ask, or see what they do on tv, haha, i dunno, i think i'm getting tired...i dun make sense anymore...

september 27, 2003
well, i thought that i did the right thing, but suddenly, why do i not feel right? my heart feels...i can't explain it...i just don't feel right about everything. i thought that what i did was the best for us, but was it? was there something more i could have done before i actually did that? should i really have told him how i was feeling? but how could i tell him something like that? what i really don't understand is why i feel this way when i'm not sure he ever really did anything for me...willingly...there was always a complaint that came with it. that is, if he actually did something. this really makes me question his true feelings...or maybe just what's going on in his head. was i supposed to be more understanding? should i not have expected as much? but when i can barely handle my own family life, should i really try to balance him in my life too? maybe the timing was wrong...maybe it's the right person but at the wrong time...maybe it's me...my thoughts are just everywhere right now, i can't even think logically anymore...i don't know what to do...what to think...i don't even know how to begin to put into words what i'm feeling right now...i thought i would be relieved of a burden, but instead, i feel like i'm missing something...like something's gone...but i don't know what it is yet...