What Were We Then?

To define who we were is important. In the minds of some, we shared a significant existence in the Forever Family, now the Church of Bible Understanding. If you look back at some of Stewart Traill's own words recorded in the Lamb Ledger and on audio cassette, he thought that his group would go national even global. Traill was into numbers, that much is plain. Fame or rather infamy: with his countercultural/counter-church-christian kind of leadership, he did have some kind of success which local papers over-reported, taking for granted the accuracy of the data Stewart touted and members parroted.

Some of the recent contributors on Facebook are once again trying to, in a clumsy way, promote a view of ST, the FF, Cobu, as "good" "God's will" even worth returning to or resurrecting in some modern form. Many of you know that I have written about and argued my ideas about this very thing for the last 16 years. As far as I know, I am the only one online who has interviewed founding members of the FF, met and interviewed one of ST's brothers, gathered more documents, written a history, and gathered more pictures than any other web site addressing ex-members of cobu. I have opened forums and have one of the largest memberships of ex-members on a listserv on line currently. I say all this because one late-comer to the party has accused me of not having done my homework. With all due respect, he is a fathead. I must boast, he forced me to it for I ought to have been commended by him. This brother does indicate to me that there still remains faulty thinking with some and perhaps nutshelling my previous writings will suffice for him as a shortcut to a better understanding of our common experience. My concern is that there are some ex-members, for many different reasons, who do not understand, do not want to understand, do not think they should have to understand, or do not want to revisit this time and I am worried that they will not get the healing or recovery they need. Not all were damaged. Not all were in leadership. Not all were in the FF. Not all were near or under ST. I write to those who are still bugged by all this cobu stuff and are open to one person's informed perspective about our time back there.

Nutshell 1: Regardless of what ST was/is, most of us who joined the FF or Cobu got saved. We were born again. We were/are Christians. This sounds simple, right? Thing is, there are some who believe we did not become Christians because we engaged ST's group, its members. Of course this is false, scripturally. God used and can use all kinds of vessels to bring His word to an unsaved person (some preach Christ out of envy thinking to afflict me...whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached and in that I rejoice). I would also like to remind you that the converse idea is also false: the idea that ST deserves or others in the FF deserve some kind of credit or "righteousness" for bringing the gospel to each of us. I remember one brother practically commanding me to be thankful for the brother who brought me the gospel. I am grateful but this kind of thinking comes right from ST. If you look at the very beginning of the Grace Meeting transcript, ST says something like, "If I hadn't grabbed you, what then?" To which a brother near the tape recorder replied "I would have been dead, I can say I would be physically dead." ST at his "repentance meeting" was still on his indispensability tour. My counter to such thinking is 1 Corinthians Chapters 1-3. Some were pledging a kind of loyalty to Paul, Apollos, and Cephas. 1 Cor 3:5 When then is Apollos? And what is Paul? Servants through whom you believed even as the Lord gave opportunity." It is one of the core problems of the FF and Cobu. We slowly but surely gave a kind of devotion or loyalty that belongs only to God, to a man, and Stewart wanted this and worked for this. I refer you to the current members as the worst examples of such thinking.

What about us? Most of us were and are Christians. What was the FF for us? Cobu? Over the last 16 years I have heard many answers. Determining correctly what we were together is important to understand. Nutshell 2: There is no one right answer and no one right remedy for what we went through. Yes, generally speaking we ex-members have 2 lives in common: Our life with Jesus and our time in the FF/Cobu but there are varying degrees of damage, various kinds of exposure to ST. Some were in for 6 months, some 5 years, 10 years, 20. Some were leaders, some were super center leaders. Jim G was unique as we all know and his perspective and his healing cannot be like anyone else's. There are those who came and went with the FF and they went on to become pastors, authors, healthy thinking Christians. There are those who joined after 1976 and got a different experience with some factors in common. There were those who stayed from the FF till the Grace Meeting of 1989. Some lived through the "Escape Recipe" and the "My name is________________ and I volunteer for the lake of fire." of the early 1990's. Think about that alone. The FF Traill was different then and I contend that it was because he was getting his way and things were going according to his plan. Hardly anyone presented much of a challenge to him. They were in their 20's. He was pushing 40. He was tall and harsh and seem to know more than everyone. Sure there were weird early signs in the FF but nothing like the teaching and behavior that came later. Things got worse when Stewart divorced Shirley and married Gayle. The Manhattan Training Center was started about this time. Many FFer's who left before the 1980's don't know about Princeton and ST trying to make a sister his "half wife" while still married to Gayle. People right now don't know about ST's behavior toward Tim McAndrews' daughter at the King of Prussia mall while still married to Gayle who is home-bound being cared for by sisters because of the car accident. Many degrees, many levels, different kinds of understanding and recovery and healing.

What were we when we were a we? Many answers but I think we can agree on some things. My take. Stewart Traill was not a Christian. I do not think he ever received the Holy Spirit. He was an atheist. He said so. He studied various religions. That's what he said. He went to churches and got thrown out of churches being very obnoxious. According to his own words and those who heard him, he got saved in 1964, 1966 or 1968. At the Grace Meeting of 1989 ST said or guessed (listen to the tape) that "I got saved 25 years ago, I would say about 25 years ago." That would put him at 1964. CB said that when ST met Skip, he said that he was alone as a Christian for the last 5 years. That was in 1971 making his conversion in 66. Okay, the arguments already flew 10 years ago about whether ST was a Christian who backslid or just a cult leader from the start. We can argue that but it bears little light and is not edifying. I contend that ST never bore any fruit of the Spirit. I believe that ST did not and does not live outside scripture and so he is in there somewhere as we all are. What is true, a fact, is that ST never sat under or was discipled by any other Christians. He was asked to not attend the Message Coffee House in Allentown, the brothers there thinking him a "false prophet." Not accurate but he was false and misleading even before the beginning of the FF. Stewart has never had and does not now have fellowship with other Christians and has never been accountable to anyone. This is not scriptural. According to scripture he took the office of bishop, overseer, pastor. Stewart was never vetted, tested, or ordained by anyone according to scripture. He did not and does not even qualify to be a pastor in God's church now. So we have this guy then gathering a bunch of young ALREADY SAVED people around him and you know the rest. It is important to note that ST did not lead anyone in the FF to Jesus accept maybe Chuck Marburger. Skip, Pam, Neil, Patty...all saved before ST crossed the bridge at Robin Hood Dell in Allentown. The Christians led people to Jesus, God working through them. St's actual fruit is slim to none. What we were and what ST was were two different things. So we hear testimony of how God used us. We hear testimony of what Jesus did in our lives while inside the group. These are true testimonies but the mistake is to ascribe some kind of credit, endorsement, or status of proof to ST that he was a Christian or that he was responsible for what God was doing through us. At the first Big Meeting, also on tape, Stewart took credit for the growth of the FF. This brings us to other misconceptions, deceptions, and problems of perception which I hope to address here.

We were a bunch of Christians gathered together and lead by a false teacher. If I am correct then this explains why so many still are Christians now, why so many look back on the FF or Cobu as a time of real fellowship, doing the will of God, and pleasing Jesus and why ST is where he is now. "Thus you will know them by their fruit." The same Christians can also evaluate and assess what ST was and is. There is a small minority of ex-members who struggle to separate the two. They believed their time in the FF was God's will and since ST was in charge of the group, therefore ST was doing the will of God. If A=B and B=C then A = C. Problem is, the equation is correct but the application is faulty. Because Jesus saved us and He is our Lord then our godly experiences and fellowship were made possible by Him not Traill. We were able to be Christians in the midst of a presiding false shepherd. Christians are able to still be Christians even in the darkest places of the world. One cannot credit Issachar as being a sheep just because he is crouching in the sheepfold. What we have had to shed in our thinking and what still plagues some ex-members is 1) separating ST from us because he did not serve our Lord (the fruit shows) and 2) any teaching or thinking ST himself promoted about himself. This is the guy who fiddled with the idea that he was Elijah. Also that he had true interpretation and that this thing he tried to control called the FF and Cobu was a high calling and that we could not be faithful to Jesus anywhere else. This is cult thinking from a cult leader. It robbed us of what belongs to God. The Grace Meeting was one of the most revealing meetings in the history of the group because ST had to play his hand. Gayle was going to expose him and so he taught at his own defrocking and was judge and jury at his own trial. The verdict was guilty but let's give the guy 25 more years to lead us astray.

What happens on discussion boards every once in a while is that someone will ask or proclaim, "Why is everyone still bashing Stewart?" or "Why is everyone still blaming ST for their ruined lives?" I believe that there are a couple possibilities for these remarks. There are some who do not read or have not read and understood what those on line are actually saying and/or they do not know the ones speaking and are misjudging them. There is also the few who tow the old cobu/st teaching of "stop making Stewart the issue" and their training prevents them from hearing any criticism of ST. It threatens their security in the FF/Cobu years and the significance they attach to their early life as a Christian, once again, making the mistake of mixing what God was doing through them and in their hearts with what ST was promoting and controlling. They don't separate and so to criticize ST is to slam their actual relationship with Jesus. These same will question and have questioned me about my own relationship with Jesus simply because I believe what I do about Stewart Traill. It is ST's legacy at work in some ex-members and not of the Holy Spirit. Think about what we were taught about "those who leave fellowship" or criticize St or make him the issue. It meant automatic backslider status. The idea that one could and can be a REAL Christian outside, away, not connected to ST or Cobu is a false teaching and yet those who cling to a shred of the aforementioned false teaching regularly call into question the very relationship we have in God through Jesus because we disavow ST or cobu.

As for bashing ST or blaming him, that's a laugh. I would have agreed with such notions 27 years ago because I went through a period of that. It is laughable now and I can speak for the many online who rationally and intelligently discuss our past; that they are over that chapter and probably have been for years. There are two things I would like to say here to those who throw out these comments of bash and blame. First, the ones you are speaking about are Christians and are faithful to Jesus. They do not and have never in 16 years online ever blamed Stewart. They tell the truth the best they can about what ST was and is and they thank God for His mercy in rescuing them from ST. Their lives are not ruined and they have never said that their lives were. I think there was some bashing early on about ST. I would even say that some, 14-16 years ago did express anger and wanted to see some punishment or judgment on him. Over the years THE CHRISTIANS have devoted themselves to praying for those still inside and for ST's repentance. That's all I have heard for the last several years. To assess ST is not bashing or blaming but trying to with scriptures understand what he was doing and learn not to be led astray again.

Is Stewart Traill the issue? Good question. And the second question is "Why don't you people just move on?" These questions come up on a cycle. Is ST the issue? Yes and no. Is he the issue to those still under his rule? You bet. They do not listen to Jesus. They listen to Stewart; Plain and simple idolatry. He has taught them not to question him, not to test him according to scripture, not to hold him accountable according to scripture and so they serve Stewart Traill not Jesus. You bet he is the issue and their lives prove it. Is ST the issue for ex-members? Yes if you are still hurting from your time in the FF or COBU and no if you are not. It makes sense which is why some ex-members are caught still. We were trained "not to go off on our own" not to think or process or test anything about ST. When it comes to Cobu and the FF, IF anyone has experienced any kind of bad teaching, psychological abuse, anything patently negative: can we all agree that all the junk we experienced came from one source? Stewart Traill. Yes, we have our flesh and the devil. We Christians still wage war. I am talking specifically about what we learned and experienced while inside. You are not being honest if you ignore the elephant in the room wearing the Elijah sash eating color coded peanuts.

Because I have investigated ST and have actually gotten some sense of where he came from, humanly speaking, it is not hard for me to see some of his past manipulations and patterns of behavior. His brother told me about him growing up. To hear what I heard and to see and hear ST's physical brother, well, any thinking person would conclude that there was not a dramatic difference between unsaved Stewart and converted Stewart. This helped me de-spiritualize Traill because I now had something to compare him to: himself. When I was inside, I did not know what ST was before he "got saved." No one did. For those who are damaged, and I count myself as one who was damaged though now noticeably recovering, for those who are struggling I can tell you that you do need to look at your time in the group, ask questions, get answers, see what was of God and what was not. This also means looking at the source of false teaching and abusive behavior. This is not bashing or blaming, this is what every hurting member and ex-member should do, in my opinion. Looking at the facts and getting understanding of what ST was and who we were is not the answer or remedy. It helps but your life with Jesus and what you receive from Him is your healing. Jesus works through brothers and sisters who are ex-members and also Christians who were never there. Remember that you did get born again and you did receive the Holy Spirit. God began this relationship with you and He has never stopped loving you. When you begin to see the separation of what ST was and what he taught and what God revealed to you in the Holy Spirit you will, like many, begin to see your time in Cobu or with ST as a chapter or battle or a part of something much greater. Was it God's will to be in the FF and Cobu? Of course. Nothing happens outside His control .But He does not violate free will. Jesus said, "Take heed that you are not led astray." It is His desire that we are not led astray but that doesn't mean He will prevent this from happening. For some of us, the FF and Cobu was a major lesson(not a life, but a lesson), a detour, a bypath meadow set next to the greater life in Jesus. No man and nothing can take away the life in you. You are a Christian today because God saved you and you have eternal life. FF/Cobu was a time of fellowship with other Christians as well. Again no blanket application because we all did different things at different times for different reasons and for long periods of time and short periods of time. God rescued some of us. For others the FF and Cobu was all good. That's what they experienced. How can I argue that they did not experience what they experienced?

Where are they now? Where are we now? What were we? We were Christians, real Christians gathered into a group, into communal living. What was our heart? Each person can speak for himself or herself. I think most would say they moved in to please Jesus. I did but also because I wanted to be belong to a family because I was leaving home and leaving my family which was my primary security. That's my answer and it may not be your answer. I think collectively our first answer is the same: to please Jesus. Our second answer is individual and cannot be argued. Asking the questions and allowing God to speak to you about this time is vital if you are still hurting. Why did I join? Why did I leave? What was I taught about God that turned out to be false? Replacing the teaching and the thinking with sound doctrine and getting with healthy Christians is all to your recovery and healing. Not all need this. For some, the FF was a launcher, for others a second family or first family. We humans join things for lots of reasons but we Christians are drawn and gathered together by our Lord Jesus.

Some want to put on a button and do an art show. Fine. God knows our hearts. This is a foundational theme that cuts through most of the noise, deception, and legalism we were taught. Go witnessing? Sure. Be led by the Spirit of God. Don't go witnessing. Sure, be led by the Spirit of God. Serve others. Yes, and God knows why you do what you do. Be led by the Spirit of God. The judging comes in when we assume we know someone's heart. Some online condemn other ex-members by crudely measuring them by corrupt doctrines and practices they learned from Traill. This is sin and it is useless. We Christians now, living now, have a choice: the same choice we had 20, 30, 40 years ago: whom to serve. This is a matter of the heart and it is between God the Father and each child of God, individually. We have fellowship with one another when we first abide in Him.

On a final note, what would it have been like or what if we could go back and change the scenario in Allentown 1971? I do this because this goes to the heart of ST's engine and what holds the current members in place, what held us for years: the idea that ST is someone from God with special gifts, unique insights, and all the other churches and Christians are game players, lukewarm, unfaithful, or hypocritical. He, Traill, has this singular vision and if you don't stay with him in his group, you will miss out, you will not be prepared for the end, you will backslide. This misconception and lie completely excludes the promises of God, the love and Lordship of Jesus, and the work of the Holy Spirit. Traill's job description which is in the bible does not give him god status, does not make him capable of doing the work of the Holy Spirit: Sanctification. The importance Traill put on himself and on his invention is not scriptural. The bible does not put bishops, deacons, pastors, overseers, or elders into the position Traill created for himself. The bible does place importance on fellowship but biblical fellowship is not what ST created. We Christians were able to have genuine fellowship within the walls of the FF and Cobu in spite of Traill's control.

What if we went back and changed things? Okay, Skip O'Neil was a young Christian in 1971. That's a fact. Neil, Patty, Zach, John: all Christians. Now here comes ST over the bridge. He meets Skip and goes into his feigned coughing routine to get Skip to put out his cigarette. So far, this happened. Okay suppose now that ST goes into his thing about the bible and Skip just turns away from him and mutters "Weirdo." Let's now project that ST tries his medicine show on all the youth in Robin Hood Dell that night and everyone tells him to get lost. My guess is that ST would finally find someone to listen to him and then he would have set up shop. Now what do you think would have happened to Skip, the parallel universe Skip? Well, BECAUSE HE ALREADY GOT SAVED AND WAS A CHRISTIAN, Our Heavenly Father would care for him and love him and hopefully, not guaranteed, Skip would find a healthy Christian fellowship and all would be well.

Let's go further with reality and then tweak it. Allentown 1971, ST over the bridge, meets Skip, coughs, and Skip eventually goes along with ST's thing. This happened. Now we go down the road a few years and ST is cruel and abusive to Shirley and spends a lot of time away from her and their kids, is inappropriate with a young Christian sister at a diner, Shirley pours a bowl of sugar on his head. This all happened. And a meeting, which I have on tape, has ST bringing up divorcing Shirley and marrying Gayle. Different brethren actually stood up and confronted ST and he shot them down and humiliated them. At the time some were defending ST, how strange. Now let's say the Christians in the FF stood up in one voice and said, "Enough." One brother after another said, "That's it. You are done. You have not been blameless in your behavior toward your wife, your fiancée, or your post as pastor of this church." Then the brothers huddle, have a vote and ST is excommunicated. What then? Again, if you remove the doctrine of Stewart/indispensability then the future is simple. God who is gracious and loving would not leave us desolate. He would raise up other pastors and teachers as He was actually doing at the time. ST put a stop to all competition.

Go a little further now. Let's go to Princeton in the 1980's. Stewart has fondled at least 2 sisters in his darkroom. He takes pictures of the many sisters living in Princeton in their swimsuits at his poolside. One brother found a playboy magazine in his study. Gayle is about to go the brethren and expose him. ST has an epiphany. He missed grace. So he calls the church together and gases away about how he missed grace but it was not his fault, but we had better be glad he did what he did, but he was in error, but it was God's will that he be in error, so be glad he's a false teacher, but he's not, because he was ignorant and the devil arranged for him to take Jesus' place. This all happened. Many left after this. Cobu right now is down to 60 or 70 members. What if the brothers then got together and fired him. He did not qualify to be pastor in 1971. He did not improve his qualities throughout the years, and now he is actually doing things that require a church to dismiss him. What if the brothers at the time actually did dismiss him? Could Cobu survive without Stewart Traill? The answer is yes and no because, in my opinion, two things have been concurrent throughout the existence of this group: we the Christians who belong to God the Father through Jesus and Stewart's configuration of us and control of us. These are two separate things although ST tried to make them one. Would Cobu (meaning ST's group) survive without him? No. He is the group. He leads it, controls it. The "group" needs him as current members portray. The more important question: Will the individual relationships we have with Jesus survive the dissolution of ST's invention called Cobu? YES, YES, YES! The proof is in the ex-members. We are in Jesus now and He in us. He has been and is faithful to tend us now as the Chief Shepherd. If current members fired ST now, of course they would be a wreck but Jesus would welcome back and care for those led astray. The "group" the "leader" do not appear in the New Testament the way ST taught about them. He was in the Old Testament where he could ascribe to himself the quasi-lone leader status of an Elijah or a Moses. One of Traill's mistakes was his practice of foisting his Old Testament fixation on New Testament Christians. The New Testament is where one finds Christian instruction, the structure of the Christian church, THE QUALIFICATIONS FOR LEADERSHIP in the CHRISTIAN Church, the warnings of false christs, false prophets, and false teachers.

I separate ST and his junk from my life with Jesus because they are separate. Paul in Acts and in 1 Cor 1-3 did the same. Real fellowship in Jesus is John 13-17 and 1st John. For current and ex-members, Traill is the elephant in the room. 14 years ago I decided to ask the questions I was trained not to ask. I went where I should not have. Stewart is no mystery to me now. Yes, he hurt me, but I don't blame him for my woes. I accept the truth that I joined a group that turned out to be run by a guy who does not follow scripture who eventually took Jesus' place. Jesus told me to take heed and I did not take heed. Scripture is clear about accountability of leadership and I did not hold my leaders accountable. Hard lessons? Yeah, but they have made me more vigilant. I am still with Jesus. He knows me. What I have in Him is current, not the past. What His will is for me is different from what I had in the past. His overall will has not changed and his overall will cannot be tied to a person or a place. The attempt to go back and recreate or recapture is not evidence to me of someone who is currently hearing Jesus and listening to Him in the Holy Spirit. It is a recreation of a religion about God taught by a guy who never knew Him. This is not evidence or fruit of someone who is paying attention to what the Spirit is teaching now. I am not saying that those who practice such folly are not Christians. I am saying that Jesus is "I AM" He is present. His revelation is current. The Spirit speaks now. He teaches now. We are Christians in the present. The foundation is Christ. How we build upon this foundation is our choice: gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble. What does the scripture say, "Be careful how you build upon it." It also says that the person WHO IS A CHRISTIAN who builds upon Christ with inferior material will suffer lose though he himself will be saved. This tells me that Christians have a choice and there are inferior materials out there that are related to our Christian life which we have the free will to use but they are not profitable in the kingdom of God. The FF/Cobu as controlled by ST was wood, hay and stubble for me. The life of Jesus, my foundation still remains and I am now choosing to build upon it with gold, silver and precious stones. This again separates the 2 entities I have written to you about briefly. My love to you, those who took the time to hear me. The Lord Jesus has been and is now a faithful Lord and Shepherd of us all and our true life is in Him.