Chapter 5: Sports

Chapter 5: Sports

(NOTE: There only one REAL sport: Rugby.)

What does NOT qualify as a sport:

Soccer - because you cannot use your arms and the ball has dots.

Boxing - is just beating the shit outta somebody. When police brutality becomes an olympic event, then boxing can be a sport.

Darts - Came close, because there is the risk of losing an eye, but the whole point of the game is to get to zero, which denies all logic of sports.

Golf - Not a sport. Not fun to watch, not fun to play, not even fun to type about. Next!

Polo - Not a sport. Polo is just an advanced form of golf on horses.

Water Polo - Thats just cruel to the horses.

Lacrosse - Faggot college activity. If you find yourself on a field with a stick that has a net on one end, you are not engaged in a sport, you are engaged in a faggot activity.

Hockey - Not a sport. It's 3 activities rolled into one: an entertaining mix of ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit outta someone.

Track - This is an activity, not a sport. I could run to the store, but nobody cares. Nobody bets on how quick I'll get there. Not a sport.

Swimming - Definately not a sport, for the simple reason that the only point of swimming is to keep from drowning.

Gymnastics - Why is this not a sport you ask? Because Romanians are good at it. Bottom line.

Cheerleading - Not a sport, because blondes are undisputed champions.

Skating - Thats just another way to get somewhere.

Wrestling - No. wrestling is not a sport, it's two sweaty, greasy guys imitating their favorite porno in a competition-esque setting.

Car Racing - Not a sport, because it's always the same rednecks winning every year.

What Comes Close to a Real Sport:

Football - If you leave out the helmets, get rid of the pads, and let all 45 players on the field, NOW you have a REAL sport.

Basketball - smaller court, and an extra 25 points for making a basket off of an opponents head. And no fouls. THERE we go!!

Baseball - One strike, you're out. No gloves. Randomly placed landmines in the outfield. If the pitcher hits the batter with the ball, the batter is out. If the batter hits the ball, he takes the bat with him across the field and can use it as a weapon. That is the ultimate sport.

Guidelines for Viewing Sports:

Must be munchies and alcohol.

No changing the channel, EVEN during the commericials, unless flipping between games.

Nobody is allowed to sit on the floor, and "Seatback" rules are in full effect.

Owner of the TV gets the remote.

Host cleans up.