Chapter 4: The House

What does not qualify as a house:

Motor Homes


Cardboard Boxes



As a man, if you do not own a home, you are forbidden to go to a shelter unless injured. If you can walk, you find your ass a happy little street corner and stand there until you get something better.

The color:

No pink, purple, or red (unless you have or are expecting kids)

Must be a color that does not draw attention to itself

No abstract designs, shapes, or other art

The inside:

(NOTE: a man must do everything in his power to put all things in his house under remote control. Kids are a qualified form of remote control.)

Must contain at least 1 TV and phone per adult resident

Must have a kick ass stereo system (with the capability of rattling windows, shaking walls, knocking down toddlers, and heating burritos)

Furniture must be comfortable and not have any stains without a story

Must have a recliner

Kitchen must have a minimum of a Microwave and a Refrigerator. (Other vital appliances: Toaster, stove, dishwasher)

The Outside:

A barbecue is essential

If there is a lawn, it must be no higher that your knee.

If there is a pool, it must be maintained. (No bugs, leaves, or other assorted floaters in the pool)

If you have a pet, you MUST clean up it's crap.

No dead plants

(NOTE: If married, the following guidelines become obsolete. The wife will have control of landscaping, and thus maintenance of the yard. Mowing the lawn and kicking the gnomes become the only chores.)

The Deck: Is the exclusive domain of the man in the outdoors. The barbecue may be placed on the deck, along with suitable seating arrangements and any combination of coolers. Bonus points are awarded for hot tubs in/on the deck.

The Bedroom (Single Man):

Must contain the following: Bed (at least a mattress), place for clothes (dresser, closet), some form of self-defense (in case of burglars, ex-girlfriends, and bill collectors), some means of playing music (tape player, CD player, radio)

No posters of guys without a shirt (exception of wrestling superstars)

Maximum of three differant women on posters, but each woman may be displayed limitlessly. (more than three and others will think you have no chance with real women)

Nothing fluffy, frilly, lacy, or otherwise lacking testosterone

The bed must be able to comfortably sleep two people, or have a means of being altered to do so.

The Bedroom (Married Man):

Must contain the following: Bed (big enough for two people, and must NOT squeak, no exceptions), place for clothes (If all you have is a closet, invest in another form of storage as closet space quickly disappears when living with a woman), form of playing music

NO posters of any kind

All other decorations must meet the approval of both the Man and his Wife.

The Bathroom:

MUST have a toilet

Toilet MUST flush

NO flushing the toilet while shower is occupied

Shower must have hot water.

Shower must be free of smells, odd colors, and small woodland animals

Must have a sink and mirror

The man's toiletries may be placed on a counter if the man desires (condoms must be kept out of reach of children)

No decoration that will draw attention from the task at hand


NO Bidet (if you don't know, don't ask)

Family photos:

No pictures of naked babies

No photos may contain blood

NO bad photos of the man

No displayed pictures of ex-girlfriends

Frames must be simple (No estrogen saturated frames with flowers, birds, etc.)