Beth: Abby, are you ever gonna get married?
Abby: I hope so. But I’m not going to rush into anything. Why?
Beth: I dunno. I was just thinking.
Abby: What’s wrong, honey?
Beth: Nothing.
Abby: Don’t bullshit me. I know you better than that. You don’t “just think” when there’s nothing wrong… Nobody ever thinks unless there’s something wrong…
Beth: (hedging) I was just thinking about your life. You’ve got it all, you know? You’re amazingly talented, you’ve got more money than God, and still you’re not superficial. I think people who get married become superficial.
Abby: YOU? Are you talking about YOU? Superficial?
Beth: Well, I wish I was.
Abby: What are you talking about?
Beth: I don’t know. Let’s just drop it.
Abby: No. Sweetie-pie, we’re not gonna drop it. What is bothering you?
Beth: (She takes a long sip of coffee.) I told you, nothing. I am fine.
Abby: You’re not fine. I know you, and you’re not fine. Is this about Kurt? You aren’t fighting with him, are you?
Beth: No, it’s not that, it’s just…
Abby: Tell me the truth. Or I’ll know.
Beth: I think maybe I’m hitting my midlife crisis. You know? I’m thirty-three years old, and already having my midlife crisis… I just feel like I haven’t done anything, Abby. Nothing. My career is non-existent, my house is ordinary, I don’t have any children, and my husband…
Abby: What about your husband?
Beth: I think he’s seeing someone else…
Abby: Oh god! Who? Oh, honey…
Beth: (very upset) I don’t know, okay? I shouldn’t have told you anything.
Abby: Beth, honey, you can tell me anything. You know you can always tell me everything. I’m always here for you. Always. We’re Thelma and Louise, remember? Except nobody’s going off a cliff. (pause) Do you want to talk about it? Because I’m listening…
Beth: I can’t prove anything. It doesn’t matter anyway. I guess I’m not much of a wife. Not much to look at, no career, no kids…
Abby: Oh would you stop with the self pity! You know-
(Bongo approaches as she speaks.)
Bongo: (to Abby, with great sweeping arm-gestures) You must PUSH the child out.
Abby: Yeah. Right, man. (She ignores him.) Look, Beth, you’ve got to--
Bongo: Listen to me! You must listen to me!
Lenny: B., leave ‘em alone.
Abby (to Bongo): What’s your damn problem, man? I’m trying to have a conversation with my friend, and you’ve got some stick up your ass about a child?
Bongo (more hesitant): You must PUSH the child out…
Abby: Okay, okay, whatever. What’s your name?
Bongo: Bongo. Bongo, Bongo, Bongo.
Beth: Is that Italian?
Bongo: No. I’s African.
Abby: You look Italian to me.
Bongo: You wanna hear me speak African? BONGO BONGO BONGO!!!
Lenny: Yo, B., would you shut the fuck up?
Bongo: I’s tellin’ the lady how to PUSH the child out!
Lenny: Yeah, well, shut the fuck up, man! You can tell her quietly! Hey, ladies! Don’t get him excited, eh? He’ll be pushin’ the child out all day…
Abby: Well, look, Mister, um, Bongo… Thank you for the advice about the child, but I’m not pregnant…
Bongo: You will PUSH the child out, in all the blood and the piss and the glory of the-
Abby: Right.
Beth: Look, Bongo, man, we really have to go. It was nice meeting you, but Abby and I will have to come back later for our prenatal classes, okay?
Bongo: YES!
Lenny: B.! Shut the fuck up! I ain’t tellin’ you anymore! Shut your fucken trap or I’ll shove my fucken boot into your fucken anus, and then you’ll have somethin’ to yell about. Got it, yo?
Bongo (calmly): You will never go to heaven, Lenny. (turning to Abby and Beth) Lenny isn’t going to heaven. You are going to heaven, but only after the child is-
Abby: Bongo, fuck off, all right?
Lenny: (He slowly walks over to the women and Bongo.) Don’t worry about it, ladies. He’s a little different, but he’s harmless. (Looking Abby up and down.) B., I swear to fucken god, if you didn’t have me to look out for you, this chick would probably be whooping your ass right now. She looks like a fiesty one. You a fiesty one, ma’am?
Abby: Damn right.
Bongo: Damn right.
Lenny: Yeah. Good. Fucken great. B., leave the fiesty lady and her friend alone, mm-kay? She’ll whoop your ass, and you know I’ll get jealous if someone besides me gets to do it. Now come on, man, let’s find some shit to do, huh? B.? You listening? Come on, buddy – leave ‘em alone and let’s go. Yeah? (He reaches for Bongo’s arm, and Bongo slowly turns toward his friend.) Yo, seriously, ladies, y’all have nothing to worry about. He’s wit’ me, and we all good. Just go home or sumpin’ – I’ll get him the fuck outta your hair.
Bongo: Home or sumpin’. (Lenny leads Bongo away; Bongo doesn’t protest.)
Beth: Come on, Abby...
Abby: They’re gone, don’t worry about it. God, that guy was weird! You okay?
Beth: Yeah… I’m fine. Just some loony, right?
Abby: That’s the spirit, girlfriend! Seriously, don’t worry about it. We’ll never see him again and we’re totally safe. Just forget him.
Beth: Yeah, I know. Really, I’m sorry. Are you staying over tonight?
Abby: Nah, I don’t want to intrude.
Beth: You’re not intruding! How could YOU ever intrude! You know I’ve been dying to spend some real time with you since – well, since a really long time ago!
Abby: Yeah, but I don’t really know… I mean, it’s your place, and Kurt and all…
Beth: You know Kurt loves you to death!
Jayden: No he doesn't, first of all, but… it’s just strange, that’s all. I haven’t stayed over at anyone else’s place since college… It’s not like we’re kids and having sleep-over parties is still socially acceptable…
Beth: Fuck socially acceptable! I want to have a sleep-over party! I know for a fact you’re not doing anything tomorrow, and it’s not like I’ve got a life to attend to tomorrow, so tonight we’re going to ignore Kurt and have a Girls-Night-In – in my living room. And you’re going to stay over, and we’re going to catch up on everything it isn’t kosher to say in Christmas cards. Okay?
Abby: Oh, all right… Bethy, you’re a shit-head!
Beth: Huh?
Abby: Just wanted to see if you’d get offended. Remember when we were kids and used to insult each other just to prove we were best friends?
Beth: Yeah. (Almost nostalgic:) We never did get offended, did we?
Abby: Because I used words sophisticated enough so that you never knew what I was talking about.
Beth: Well, fuck you, poop-head!
Abby: That’s the spirit!
Beth: Let’s get groceries. I feel really juvenile right now. I want to binge on potato chips and center-cut bacon.
Abby: And chocolate! I have money enough to get us a couple of pounds of Godiva, if you’d like.
Beth: You’re a goddess. This is why I love you, darling.
Abby: Oh, you’d love me anyway, and you know it.
Beth: Of course I would. Can I tell you something?
Abby: Anything. We’ve been through this already.
Beth: (sincere) I didn’t realize how much I’d missed you. Today has been so great. We hadn’t seen each other in way too long. And I haven’t had this much fun in ages, either…
Abby: Well, we’ll have an even better time tonight…
Beth: Ooh, baby…
Abby: No, I mean, with the chocolate!
Beth: OOOHH!
Abby: Oh, shut up, Bongo!
Beth: (teasing) I’m sorry, Abby! Can we still have fun with the chocolate? I won’t tease anymore…
Abby: I’m gonna smear it all over you, baby…
Beth: Aw, shut up!
(They exit. Two little boys, about 7 or 8, enter. One is poking at the other with a tree-branch; the second boy finds a tree-branch of his own and they ad-lib childish sword-play. Boy #1 spots something on the sidewalk.)
Boy #1: Hey, what’s that?
Boy #2: What?
#1: Right there… (He stoops and picks up his find, which is never seen by the audience) Oh, look! A bird!
#2: Really? Cool!
#1: Yeah! What’re we gonna do with it?
#2: Let’s stab it with the laser swords!
#1: No!
#2: Okay, we won’t. Maybe it came from a nest.
#1: Yeah, let’s find it! I bet it came from a tree.
#2: I don’t see any trees.
#1: Oh.
#2: My mom told me that if you pick up a baby bird, the family won’t come back because the baby bird smells like you.
#1: I don’t stink! You do!
#2: To birds you do. My mom told me. Prob’ly it can’t go back to its nest now anyway now that you touched it.
#1: So what are we gonna do?
#2: Let’s drop him into the water. Want to? That way he won’t starve to death, and he can just die and go to heaven.
#1: Okay. Do birds go to heaven?
#2: I dunno. Gimme the bird.
(The boys drop the bird over the edge of the bridge.)
#1: Bye little birdie.
#2: We coulda taken it to my house and fed it or something. I got a lot of worms in my yard.
#1: Yeah, but how would you teach it to fly and all that?
#2: Oh. I dunno.
(The boys look over the edge for a moment, each pondering the situation. Boy #2 pokes #1 in the side with the “laser sword.”)
#1: Hey! You stink! (he darts at his friend and they run off-stage, still poking each other with the tree branches.)