Dearest,
I am more touched than I have been in a very very long time...
I am saying this here, because email is just stupid, and it takes too long for the U.S. Postal Service to get letters across the country... And I'm pretty sure I'm going to hide the link, just because I don't think anyone else in the world would really understand...
Sometimes, Robbie, I really doubt you. I mean, I really doubt that you care about me. I wonder if you're using me. I wonder if you think about MY feelings. I doubt you when you write me one-liner emails, or don't return my phone calls. I doubt you when I hear sorta-not-nice stuff about myself coming from Dave. I doubt you when [*gulp*] ya can't freakin' admit that you don't actively dislike having sex with a female. I doubt you when you're too preoccupied with something or someone else to notice me, to include me...
And it's those times when I try to detach myself from you -- not completely, but just enough to make some new friends and spend my time with other people, thinking about other things besides you. It's those times -- when I haven't heard from you in AGES and you're stressed and busy and moving almost without telling me -- that make me want to go out, find somebody to take your place in my life, and go on without you. Sometimes, I just don't even think you'll care. I think, "he's got better things to do than waste his time on me - he's got better places to be than Binghamton, NY - why should I matter at all when there's a world of people out there and Robbie Rozelle could get any one of them to adore the fuck out of him...?"
That's not a guilt-trip... I really feel that way sometimes... Especially being so far away and never being able to communicate with you anymore... I don't think you really understand how easily you can make people feel unloved or doubtful about themselves just by the little things you do... (And I'm NOT just talking about me here...) And recently, I HAVE felt very cut-off from you and very alone...
But sometimes... sometimes, you just bring this huge ray of sunshine into my life. You leave a note on my bedside table saying "I love you Carebear," or giggle with me for an hour about stupid-ass vegetables even though you have to wake up early, or even just call to sing "Carrie" stuff at me. Sometimes it just seems like you're really giving me all of yourself, and I'm not just seeing a little tiny section of you. Sometimes, I'm not tucked away into a little compartment of your life, but I'm the one standing next to you holding your hand while everybody else sees little bits and pieces of you. Sometimes I look down at my hand and remember that you're wearing the ring I gave you -- and that's such an honor to me. It's just little stuff like that that makes me want to live forever ("now that I am loved...") and run up to people in the streets and hug them...
I cannot possibly tell you how much that email meant to me today - your new site, writing about your life - for me... Tears were running out of my eyes halfway through reading it - this amazing site written for me by somebody who's so anti-writing that it's an effort to write stuff down on post-it notes... Me? What did I ever do to deserve something like that? What did I ever do to deserve a friend who is so REAL - maybe not to anybody else but me - but who is so REAL and so perfect and so damn beautiful... I know you have faults and flaws and all of that, Robbie, and I respect you more for admitting them than hiding them -- that's one of the things that makes you so wonderful, at least in my eyes. When I read your entry, it was like getting a huge hug from you, like I could feel you right here next to me. It was like seeing inside of you - like seeing inside of you the way I do when I look into your eyes sometimes... No, I don't always see pretty things, but I love knowing you trust me, and I love knowing I'm important enough to hear it all, the good, the bad, and all the in-between stuff. I am blessed to know you. This is a gift I will always treasure. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. For trusting me, for loving me, for giving me the best damn five years of my life, and for this, which makes me know it... *grin* And you'd better update it once in awhile!
I have to go -- Pickle is online and he's trying to have cyber-something with me, but it's weird, and I don't want to do it, so I have to think up an excuse... Maybe that my R.A. patrols these showers regularly?
With all my love and a maybe-slightly-too-long kiss, from that which they call...
THE SECONDBEST KISSER IN TOWN
(but you can call me...)
~Your Carebear*