Hasn't been much of a day - Mike is sick and whiney, so I've been hanging out with him, trying to cheer him up and not slaughter him. I know he'd do the same for me, so I might as well be nice. We've been watching television all day: The Dream Team, The Simpsons, Ferris Bueller... And Blue Velvet...
To anyone who is sick to death of my ramblings about David Lynch, I apologize. However, today, after watching Blue Velvet twice (told you it's been a slow day), I've got a LOT to say - about the film and my life, and life in general...
In the movie, Jeffrey is kinda in between these two women: Sandy and Dorothy. Sandy is this sweet little innocent thing who tells Jeffrey about this dream she had where all these robins symbolized love and... Well, she's innocent to the point of almost-ditziness... Dorothy is this horribly-abused woman with a tendency toward masochism -- she's very sexual, to say the least, and she's seen it all...
I was wondering, while I watched the film, which one I'm more like. I really don't know. Sometimes, when I say, "yes, I've tried pot," I get this shocked stare from my audience, as if they're saying "how COULD you?" Other times, I get, "so why don't you anymore?" When discussing my sexual history with Andrew, he asked, "so, would you put me in your top five?" When discussing my sexual history with Mike, he asked, "Seriously, I'm not your first? How old ARE you?"
It's not just the Experience thing, either. It's also my entire mentality. Sometimes I want to sit on my bed and crochet and watch Ferris Bueller, or listen to Sarah McLachlan ("Surfacing," of course...), or paint my fingernails. Other times, I want to sit on my bed reading "Carrie" and imagining myself blowing up my high school. I want to watch Eraserhead and listen to Rammstein. I want to wear replace my t'shirt and jeans with leather.
Sometimes I like Disney movies, other times I want to rip Minnie's motherfucking head off. Sometimes I need to snuggle with the stuffed cow Jayden gave me, and other times I want to go seduce Brian and snuggle with him all night. And sometimes that just feels a little wrong. I should make up my mind - I should show myself as who I am without covering up some other side of me.
I'm the shy girl in the creative writing class who never says a word. I'm the one who mouths off in the pharmacy when I'm yelled at by an employee for playing too loudly in the toy aisle. I'm the one who wears clothing my father would approve of, and the one who own fishnets and a suede miniskirt. I'm the sweet little confused one who Mike fell in love with, and I'm the bitch who knows exactly what she wants who everybody else is a little scared of. I'm the tomboy who refuses to shave my legs, and the seductress who won't wear anything but sleeveless low-cut outfits. Sometimes I snap my fingers and expect somebody to be there, and other times, I'm the cute little girl who wants to be taken care of. And nobody EVER knows what to expect from ME. I suppose it's got to be frustrating... My friends don't know how much they can say around me, and what exactly pisses me off. My lovers don't know whether they're supposed to throw me on the bed and slam me like a car door, or wait until I've thrown them on the bed and am biting their shoulders mercilessly and taking their clothes off. (Not that I've GOT a lover now, but you know what I mean...) Helena is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get, and if you're allergic to hazelnuts, you're probably fucked.
I never seem to make much sense: sometimes I'm innocent little Sandy with her simple little dream about robins and love and light and eternal happiness. Sometimes I'm Dorothy: sexy and demanding ("I want to see you! Get undressed!") and fully prepared for the world to fuck me over.
I hope I don't present myself as one of those people who can never make up their minds. I KNOW what I stand for most of the time (I'm sorry David, but I'm a socialist, and I wouldn't have voted for you for mayor...), I am loyal to those I love, and I sure as hell TRY not to live a double life - or a quadruple one...
I would give my journal's URL to everyone I know, but I don't really think everyone could handle it. Some people think I'm sweet and tame and shy and scared and insecure. Some people think I'm this bitch-from-hell who don't take no shit from nobody. Very few people who have seen me cry have also seen me dance, and vice versa. To Tommy, I'm this goddess of bitchy sarcasm, and he'd NEVER see me the same way if he read this. To Mike, I'm somebody who is equal parts nurturing mother-figure and dependent child-figure, and whenever he sees me as an independent bitch-figure, he figures I'm drunk or that it's something I learned growing up in New York. I want Tommy to see me as a creature of the night, and I want Mike to see me as a girl who loves coffee, poetry, and grocery-shopping. I don't EVER want them to meet, and I don't ever want them to meet all of me. I want to compartmentalize myself everywhere but here. I have given this URL only to people I trust with, literally, my life: people I trust to respect the side of me who doubts herself, and the side of me that... well, that likes to be on top sometimes.
It's funny - I demand that respect, but I don't always give it to everyone else. "You're supposed to be the asshole with the funny jokes - what the hell do you mean you're in love?" I have these concepts of people in my head, and when they break their molds, I get angry at them. "I thought you wanted to spend a quiet evening watching Letterman, not a wild night dancing and drinking and having an orgy..." It's hard to know ALL of a person. It's even harder to LIKE all of a person. Sometimes I wish people would open their whole selves to me, show me their weaknesses AND their powers. Sometimes, I want you to be sick so that I can nurse you and see you humbled. Sometimes I want you to scream at me and make me cry. But sometimes, I only want you to be what I need from you: a hero, a slave, an acquaintance, a lover, a friend... I hate disillusion. I try to see you for who you are, because it hurts to see your hero cry, and it hurts when your slave beats you. Like I said, it's hard to like ALL of a person. It's possible, but not easy.
In the end of the movie, one of Sandy's robins is standing there with a big black bug in its mouth -- but it doesn't quite EAT the bug, just stands there on the fence holding the bug in its beak. "Ugh," comments Jeffrey's aunt, "I could never eat a bug!" Then we see Dorothy happily holding her son in her arms... but she looks up, and forlorn music ("Blue Velvet") begins playing as her eyes recall her past and the parts of her that her son just doesn't see... I guess being multi-faceted isn't always a BAD thing, but being WHOLE sure is a bitch.
Love,
Helena*
"I don't know if you're a detective or a pervert..."
"That's for me to know and you to find out..."
--Sandy Williams and Jeffrey Beaumont, "Blue Velvet."
"I'm a goddess on my knees..." --Meredith Brooks.
"I'm a very private person..." --Peter, while talking to about fifty people at once in a crowded bar.