Something scary is happening to me. I'm more confused than I have been in a very long time, and I want to articulate it all, but I don't know how. The words are trapped someplace inside.
I spent the evening sitting in Brian's room between Brian and Mike. And I felt this glow in my eyes being near Brian. I know Mike saw it too, because he was bitchy all evening. I don't know if Brian saw it. Part of me wanted him to see it, and part of me wanted to curl up in a little ball and die.
I cannot explain how I feel around him. Alive. Real. HAPPY. Almost...in love.
I'm awfully damn scared to say that. I'm scared I'm deluding myself. I'm scared this isn't the real thing; maybe just indigestion or sexual frustration. It's been awhile since I've, you know, had sex... (January 16, 4.34PM, give or take fifteen minutes or so...) Maybe I'm just desperate. I like sex. I like boys. I like touching. I don't like to go very long without those things. But you know what? I had a lust-crush on someone else who goes to this school, and it turned out he's obnoxious and stuck on himself. And gay, but that's beside the point. And the crush went away completely once I got to know him. But this, with Brian, keeps getting stronger and stronger with everything new I learn about him. It's scaring me. A LOT. It really feels like I'm falling in love...
Please, gahd, don't let this happen now, when I've got two months left with Brian and noplace to go afterwards... Please gahd, talk me out of it...
Love,
Helena*
"Don't let yourself be hurt this time. Don't let yourself be hurt this time. Then I saw your face. Then I saw your smile. The sky is still blue, the clouds come and go... Yet something is different; are we falling in love?" --"Falling," Julee Cruise (words by David Lynch, music by Angelo Badalamenti; and no, I didn't have to look up how to spell his name...)