4 March 1999 ~ I got no motivation, where is my motivation...?

So I've made a few minor changes to my site... First, I have a guestbook, thank you, thank you... Second, I may or may not be part of a webring (I don't know how these damn things work!). I realized today that I've used up 9% of my allotted space on this server since Valentine's Day; can you believe it? Oh well.

The silly string fight was fun last night. It's Jane's birthday, so she needed some fun. She, Claire and I, and their friend Elizabeth got really loud and screamed and laughed a lot and squirted the stuff at each other... And then Brian showed up... To keep everyone in the loop, I'll explain a bit about him... He's this absolutely FINE student here, sorta skaterish, sorta punkish, sorta gothy, sorta hippy, and just DAMN fine. He's a Gemini all the way, smarter and more empathetic than most people I know. I had an enormous crush on his the first time I saw him. Then I realized Jane did too. And then I realized Jane was madly in love with him, but that Brian ignored her because he has a girlfriend in that mysterious abode we all call "back home." I pretty much gave up that crush, although my tummy still knots up a little when I see him. He's a heartbreaker for sure - totally beautiful, totally cool, totally confident, and extremely mysterious. He's also a little out of my league, I think... I don't know how to approach him. Every female on this campus thinks he's adorable and has this "oh-please-sleep-with-me" look in their eyes. The only thing he really responds to is someone with a sarcastic edge and a "Daria" attitude. It's hard to be, um, Darian, and hit on someone at the same time, you know? Oh, and he's got a girlfriend...

Anyway, Brian, a fellow David Lynch fan, insisted that we go watch my copy of "Wild At Heart," and eat sandwiches -- the sandwiches were gross and I was too tired to stay awake through "Wild At Heart." (And it's just WRONG to fall asleep during "Wild At Heart"...) Claire had gone off someplace to make out with some ugly boy upstairs. So the evening ended slowly.

I should make up a topic for today's entry so I just don't go on babbling... I have about five hundred topics left to choose from in my little filing cabinet here, but none of them seems to be very appealing right now. I want to talk about Home, to bitch about The Bar, to complain about my weird grandparents, but I just don't have the energy to make any real feeling come through. No more depressing entries asking for answers about where I should go and what I should do. I don't really want to know the answers, I don't think - at least not now - and I fear becoming whiny and monotonous.

I guess I'll just babble then...

Mike is driving me crazy. Today, his crisis was so damn stupid. He'd talked to his best friend and somehow became convinced that she's not in love with him, even though she's always telling him they're meant for each other. They're spending the summer together, and he's completely convinced that this wonderful stable person with her intelligence and her happiness and her nice-girl ways, is going to destroy him. Now, okay, I've had plenty of my own episodes of insecurity, but usually those episodes include being afraid of getting dumped for another male. And usually my fears have some logical basis - watching my boyfriend exchange numbers with a guy who looks like a Backstreet Boy, KNOWING that my lover is "cheating" on me less than twenty feet away from me, having my dad disrespect me and my brother threaten me... I would say those are grounds for being afraid. But Mike has no reason for all his stupid irrational fears, and I'm sick and tired of cleaning them up. I'm sick of everything.

I think I'm going to finish off this entry now, because my belovèd Jayden has written me with a REAL crisis, and I'm gonna go pretend like I know more than she does about solving these things... :?)

Love,
Helena*

"Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving; I sure as hell can't do it by myself. I'm feeling like a DOG IN HEAT, barred indoors from the summer streetI locked the door to MY OWN CELL and I lost the key..." --"Longview," by Green Day