03 March 1999 ~ Drama-queen wannabe...

I want to do something crazy. I really really want to do something crazy. I don't mean "something crazy" like driving to Albuquerque for the day with Mike just to eat chicken thingies at Taco Cabana. I mean something really crazy. Something really wrong...

[NO I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF -- please everybody stop thinking that!]

It's spring - almost. It's only the beginning of March, and it's awfully damn windy, but it's probably 60 degrees outside. The sun is shining, and I don't think there will be any more snow this year -- at least not in Santa Fe. I get like this every year when the days start getting longer and the sun starts shining -- I want to get a little nuts.

I want to find some new friends. Not that I don't love the ones I have, but, with about two exceptions, they're all thousands of miles away, literally. I'm lonely and I'm bored and I want to stop hiding in my room. I want to go out, find a party, meet someone cute, flirt for a few hours, bring him home, and keep him overnight. I want drama. I want heartbreak. I can't even get that much here - it's all hearsay, it's all in emails from home, it's all through the occasional telephone call I get. I want ACTION! I want ADVENTURE! I want SOMETHING more than classes and chess games and coffee and Taco Cabana chicken thingies on REALLY wacky days...

["Today I need something more sub-sub-sub-substantial..." --R.E.M., "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite."]

Before I came to college, everyone said it would be a great experience, even my family doctor. "In college, you can change your whole image," he said. "If you're loud, you can be more calm; if you're shy, you can be the life of the party, because no one knows you, and you can be whomever you want to be - start over!" Sounds like advice some witch-doctor would give Peter. But no, I took it to heart. I DID change. I stopped drinking massive quanities of alcohol; I mostly stopped screwing around with people I barely know; I'm quieter, more reserved, more responsible, more of an A-student/good girl type than I've ever been before. Just like everyone has wanted me to be.

My closest friend in Santa Fe is a decent student, Catholic, moral as all hell (word choice intended), responsible, caring... Gag me! Fucken gag me with a utensil of your choice! I want to party! I miss being the way I was! I miss not having to conform to much of anything, because everyone I associated with was ten times trashier than me! I want to walk downtown, listening to Paula Cole on my disc-man, meet some stray cute people, befriend them, and spend the day discussing the real meaning of life. Then I want to go to some sleazy club, dance with some cute person who looks desperate for a change in his life, and bring him home for the night. How the hell can I break these damn chains? I'll do anything! Well, almost anything.

...And I want to hurt Peter. I want to hurt him bad. I want to put that Look on his face - the one he had the day I told him about my evening with Andrew, the one he had when I told him I'd fooled around with Jeff and Anthony in the Holiday Inn for an entire night. If he can move to Florida, I can fuck around, right? An eye for an eye. A heartache for a heartache.

["It's all the same to share the pain with me... It's all the same to save the shame for me..." --R.E.M., "Me in Honey."]

It seems I'm going with a sort of R.E.M. motif here, huh? Doesn't it just figure that Michael Stipe's a homo? Come on - my first TV-star crush, Matthew Broderick, turns out to be more homo than RuPaul, my favorite character on M*A*S*H when I watched it as a 4-year-old was Klinger-the-sometimes-drag-queen, and now I'm informed that my favorite male voice in the entire universe is joinin' the other team? Fuck. What else is new, Helena, what else is new?

Anyway, yeah - I'm going to do something crazy. I'm going to go with the flow. I'm going to give myself over to whatever I encounter - I'm going to let myself fall in love, I'm going to let my heart get broken, I'm going to do anything to break out of this numbness and boredom and find some fucking PASSION in my life again.

It's time to break the chains and go back to being the way I was -- I didn't really change, not inside. I want more - I crave for more - I want to be the almost-drama-queen I was back home... I didn't change; I tried, and I don't like it, and now I just want to get my fucken life back.

Love,
Helena*

"You are wild and I'm in your possesion. Nothing's free so, fuck me kitten." --R.E.M., "Star Me Kitten."

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again..." --Tori Amos, "Little Earthquakes."

"It never really does change, does it?" --David