Okay, long title... It's a Nine Inch Nails lyric... I'm not much of a Trent fan, but I can live with 'em... Besides, it's on the Lost Highway soundtrack, and anybody who has anything to do with David Lynch in ANY way (with the exception of Billy Ray Cyrus and Billy Zane...) is utterly cool in my book...
I had a pretty good night last night... Mike and I went to Burger King for greasy cheeseburgers and then went to see 200 Cigarettes at the mall. As he said, "Let's make it a 'stupid teenager night'!" Well, it was a stupid teenager night! I never really had many of those. I don't suppose going out to dinner at Friday's with David and Amy and seeing "Air Force One" while snuggling contently with David really counts for anything... I mean, first, Amy was the only one immature enough to count as a stupid teenager that night, and she was 20. Second, do stupid teenagers really eat calamari?
The movie was okay. I haven't seen a movie in theaters since Prince of Egypt with Jeff. I don't really remember much of that night - only that Jeff stole some perfume stuff from Wal-mart before going to see some movie based on the freaking Bible. And after the movie, we went to Barnes and Noble to look up how to make an alcoholic Shirley Temple cocktail. I was thinking too hard about my life that night - nothing from the Real World was sinking in... Before that... oh, let's see... there was that dumb James Bond movie with Greg which was about as unimpressive as a night spent staring at a wall. There was Air Force One, which I don't really remember because a.) I was afraid Amy was going to beat me to a bloody pulp, and b.) come ON! David and I were practically sharing a movie seat... There was, um... The Mirror Has Two Faces which was just wrong, because I saw it with Erich, who was trying to stick his hands down my pants... And Barbra Streisand watching something like that was rather sacriligious!
Anyway, yeah, so 200 Cigarettes was cute. I didn't stop talking in a loud New York accent all evening. And I didn't stop saying "radical, dude" all evening, either... It was a little scary - I think Mike regretted letting me out of my cage and into the Real World. By the way, my City accent is DAMN good. I miss being able to use it anytime without getting confused looks from Southwesterners.
Movies are cool. They tune you out. Usually, you won't catch me dead in that mall. It's evil. It's got all these bad vibes and the lighting is somehow wrong. But I forgot all about the gahd-forsaken Villa Linda Mall in Santa Fe, New Mexico. For two hours, I was in New York City, far closer to where I belong... I like being able to tune into a movie so much that when the credits start rolling, you've forgotten where you are. I watched Lost Highway about three times a week last Spring for that comfortable world of oblivion without having to put in any effort. Every time I see that movie now, do you know what I think of? I think of nights I spent walking down my road analyzing that film. I think of orange flickering streetlights above my head. I think of trying NOT to think about Peter. I can feel it all; all of those stupid subconscious things are embedded in that movie now... I guess I got a little too carried away with my little escapism. Just like Fred Madison, the main character of the film.
I've got plenty of things right now I'd LOVE to escape from. I just found out my father hasn't paid tuition since November and they may or may not kick me out of college. I miss the hell out of my hometown. I'm broke, sexually frustrated (one of the reasons for all the sexual stuff I write in this journal), hungry, bitchy, and sick of Spanish class. I spend my time making art that looks like my feelings, which is not the intention; watching art films like A Clockwork Orange ; posting messages on any online messageboard I can find... Oh yes, I'm an escapist. I admit it. The passion is draining out of me as I try to fill myself with other lives, other feelings, numbness to myself. I know how to get it back, but I don't know if I want to.
Love,
Helena*
"Is it any wonder I can't sleep? All I have is all you gave to me. Is it any wonder I found peace through you? Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned. Turn away from the light..." --The Smashing Pumpkins, "Eye" (from the Lost Highway soundtrack, by the way...)