All about this journal...

For as long as I can remember, I have kept a journal... I mean even back when I was six or seven, I kept a journal; it was stupid, but I kept it, and it kept me sane.

Erich gave me a big blue notebook several years ago, and I proceeded to turn it into the most fantastic journal I've ever kept. I named it Diane, after the tape recorder in Twin Peaks. Unfortunately, Diane got kinda too heavy to lug around all the time. she also got pretty beat up. She also contained gossip about everyone I know, and everyone who knew of Diane wanted her dead. She was full of rude quotes, names of people I've er, done stuff with (not all of whom will admit it... ahem...), etc... I kept her with me constantly, never letting her out of my sight; still, I needed a new forum for my feelings...

In January, I bought a notebook in which to write a letter to Ken. (An unsent one, praise the higher powers...) It was a huge five-subject one, and in less than two weeks, I'd filled up nearly a whole subject's worth of paper...

What it basically amounts to is that I don't have the financial resources to buy that much freaking paper. Not only that, but I kinda like having people know what's going through my mind. Maybe it's a cry for help, maybe it's just that I like to whine, maybe I'm just one of those slutty people who likes to air everything about herself...

This, however, is a censored version of my journal. The original is on the web, but you'll never find it from this site here. I'm going to give this URL to a few select people I know (VERY few select people) -- hopefully, there's nothing too revealing about myself or my friends on here. If there is, I apologize.

This is brutally honest. If you don't want to hear the truth, hit the "back" button. The truth can hurt. I know. If you don't want to risk it, leave now.

All About Helena...

The name is one I randomly picked out of the air for one of the characters in the play I'm working on. She's this insecure little thing, who is desperately trying to learn to be her own bitch. I'm not going to tell you any more than that for now. But no, the name has nothing to do with David - DON'T give me that LOOK, I'm serious, it doesn't. And obviously, it isn't my real name. Oh, and NO, Helena-of-the-play and Helena-of-this-journal are not interchangeable in the least.

I'm 18; a writer who doesn't know when to shut up; as changeable as the wind; passionate about just about everything; the sane one of the family; empathetic to the point where people get scared of me; madly in unrequited love; a Tori Amos/R.E.M./David Lynch fan; a postal employee; a New York State native; college student in Santa Fe, NM; I'm a pacifist, although I eat meat; religiously, I'm fucked up and somewhat Paganish, although it's more of a study than a practice; I'm a stubborn Pollack; I look like Lisa Loeb (seriously, it's CREEPY...) and act like Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks; I'm insecure as all hell and I admit it because if I don't, people will argue with me and I'll cry and wonder if I'm hated; I love theater; I like action and passion and movement and drama and New York; I only use Papermates; someday I will be a very good mother; I'm somewhere in between an unrepentent serial killer and a choirgirl wearing conservative cotton dresses; sometimes I hurt people I love, and sometimes I think I mean to do it, but I always feel sorry afterwards; I'm sorta gothy, sorta hippy-ish, sorta trashy, something of a tomboy, and something of a geeky brain, but I wear GAP and Calvin Klein clothes so I don't look like any of those things; I'm not a puritan, but I'm not a whore and I will let you make up your own mind about me; my favorite thing in the world to do is spend an evening laughing and giggling over stupid shit with the person I love, then kiss him very passionately and fall asleep next to him; I drink sometimes, I'm trying not to smoke; sometimes I think I'm pretty, other times I gross myself out; I hate my poetry; I love my letters; I'm thin but I don't have an eating disorder; I love my mother very much; I'm a city girl with a passion for starlight and trees; I'm more gay-friendly than any otherstraight person you will ever meet, and I'm perfectly comfortable in saying that if I was a lesbian, I would marry my wonderful friend Jayden; I'm not ashamed of sex - EVER - and yes I have fooled around with girls before... ("Did you like it?" "Well, OBVIOUSLY I liked it..." --Terence McNally); I bite my nails and wear only one ring; I read fashion magazines; I'm responsible when it comes to people but not always when it comes to school; and I have NEVER been a cornflake girl... And I usually eat my vegetables...

In a nutshell, that's me.

Now go read the damn journal!

Love,
~Helena*