FEBRUARY, 2003: Sobriety As Entertainment

It's been a long and winding road, folks. Many, many apologies for not keeping up with my column. I have no words to excuse myself; let's just say that I suck, and get on with things.

Right. With that out of the way, I'd like to introduce you to a new way to spend a Saturday night...

Are you tired of the bar scene? Are you tired of going out for a nice little drink, and having buttheads walk up to you and ask "d'ya come here often?" Are you tired of passing out in your own vomit at parties? Are you tired of passing out in OTHER people's vomit at parties? Let's face it; it all sucks. It's either a meat-market where icky people are trying to get down your pants, or it's quite lonely, and you're the one trying to get into the pants of hot chicks... And it's rarely cheap. I have found the solution...

That's right, kids: Alcoholics Anonymous.

I went to my first AA meeting at the age of fourteen. I'd never had more than a sip of anything alcoholic. My attendance there was mostly accidental; my dad was late picking me up after a rehearsal for a community theater thing, and I discovered a bunch of merry, intelligent, bright-eyed fellows in the basement of a church... and they were giving away free coffee...

You go for the coffee and you stay for the inspiration. If it's a good meeting, they'll have some of both. Most times, both are free of charge.

...And really, it doesn't matter much if you're an alcoholic or not. Most meetings are open to the public. Including hot chicks.

The great thing about AA is that it's as serious as you make it. You're expected to be respectful, but that doesn't stop many groups from joking around and having a good time. Essentially, it's a group of people, many of whom have been through hell due to chemical dependency, most of whom can tell damned good stories about being down-and-out, who are working on chilling out and having a good time without chemical means. So, it's a two-for-one deal! You get the train-wreck story about being down-and-out (and come on! who doesn't like to look at train wrecks if there's one in the neighborhood...?), and THEN you get the chilling out and having a good time! PLUS, free coffee!

A few myths about AA:

They'll make me tell my own life story... You can tell it if you want to, but if you don't, you can sit in a corner and nobody'll bug you.

It's just a bunch of crusty old men in a religious cult... No, that's the Masons. There are plenty of young people at AA meetings, including plenty of sexy chicks (most of whom are eager to talk to you, but it's considered quite rude to ask, "so... ya come here often?" of a hot chick at an AA meeting...). And they don't make you pray or any of that unless you feel like it. Most AA meetings allow cursing (ones that don't will advertise "no swearing"), and basically nothing is taboo or off-limits for discussion. Even if you want to talk about how much you love beer, it'll probably be okay. If AA is a religious cult, it's admirably non-dogmatic.

Everyone there is going to be a freak... Surprisingly, I know a number of relatively well-put-together individuals, several of whom do not consider themselves to have drinking problems, who attend regular meetings. Why go to an AA meeting if you don't have a drinking problem? For the coffee and inspiration, that's why. For the train-wreck stories and the fun. And because, gahd help you, you might be able to pick up a hot chick if you're tactful enough.

Tips for finding an AA meeting that's right for you:

1.) First, go to any meeting listed in the newspaper. Tell the chairperson that you'd like a list of local meetings. They'll give you a list, and sometimes they'll pass it around so that everybody can write their phone numbers on the list. You might just get the phone number of a hot chick, but even if you don't, you've still got a list of just about every meeting in town, plus the times and addresses.

2.) During the last week of the month, many AA meetings have cake to celebrate "AA birthdays." What an AA birthday actually IS is not important to this column. CAKE is important to this column. Pick a meeting that advertises cake.

3.) Find one that has free coffee, too. It sucks having to pay for coffee; people do ENOUGH paying for their own coffee. AA should give people a break from that; most meetings provide it free of charge.

4.) Find a meeting where people laugh. There are always a few meetings where everybody's a little gloomy, and people sort of look especially ashamed. However, most meetings, at least from my experience, are a little more raucous than they are depressing. The more laughter, the better.

5.) Just FYI, the groups that are "Men Only" are unlikely to have many sexy chicks in attendance. Just FYI.

So, when you find yourself with nothing to do, and/or no money with which to do things, and/or general disillusionment with the things you usually do, find yourself an AA meeting. Try to get something out of it, even if it's just free coffee. And be nice to the hot chicks.