30 December 2002 ~ You could have given up on me over something concretely bitchy...

It's just as well, anyway...

I had a nasty, nasty headache. I was dizzy as hell and had to keep reciting poetry in my head to ward off the need to hurl. I don't really know any poetry. It was a horrible afternoon.

So it's just as well...

Norman was in town this past week, visiting his brother in Seattle. Gave me the phone number a couple of weeks ago and told me to call while he was here. I asked if he wanted to hang out or something, get some coffee, talk some shit, whatever... He said that sounded fine.

But when Norman called back, he said he was going to go snow-boarding with his brother instead. And that he'd call me later, when he was free.

But he never did.

I get this weird feeling that I got stood up.

I mean, I was sicker than a dog, anyway, so I guess it ought to be sort of a moot point. I didn't even get out of bed until seven or so.

I can't decide what to think...

I mean, hell, if I was in my hometown, visiting MY family for a week, I'd want to do a lot of hanging out with my brothers, too. Although snowboarding seems a little excessive for me, and for some reason, I cannot conjure up any halfway sane image of Norman snowboarding...

It's been almost a year since we last saw each other, Norman and I. Almost a year since we've been on the same side of the country. I last saw Norman at a Greyhound station. I think I sent him a postcard or two from North Dakota, or someplace comparably interesting. Steele, ND: Home of the World's Largest Sandhill Crane. No joke. I took pictures and bought postcards of that crane. I cannot imagine that I didn't share these with Norman.

Sent him a package of stuff in October. I'd been collecting stuff for about six months for a sweet little care-package. You know, because everybody likes a care-package. And because I like sending stuff to people I care about.

Fuck it.

This is the thing: I really suppose that Norman has given up on me. As I recall it, I made his life pretty painful for the year and a half we were together, and as I understand it, I made it probably even more painful after I left town. I'd give up on me too. I was a shitty girlfriend to him. Cheated on him twice while we were together, and didn't wait more than a few weeks to find new lovers in Olympia. And sometimes I'd keep him hanging on, and sometimes I'd push him away. If I were Norman, I would have given up on me long, long ago...

But somehow, this isn't just, oh, Helena's a bitch... I AM a bitch. But I wish this could have happened in response to something concretely bitchy. I mean, why couldn't Norman have said, "look, Helena, I'm tired of your crap, and I really don't want to deal with you anymore"? Like, when I'd start a whining festival, or when I'd tell him I'd hooked up with somebody new -- why couldn't he have then told me to fuck off? THIS? This was, give me a call, I'd love to talk to you, it would be nice to see each other... And then... nothing.

Norman, Norman, I don't give a shit if you're in love with me still, but I wish you'd at least LIKE me. Even in those few times I've thought of you as the biggest bastard in the world, (usually times that actively involved the Belmar), I've at least still LIKED you.

It's funny; I don't think I've REALLY missed you, until now. I mean, before, I always supposed we'd sort of love each other forever, no matter where we were, or who we were with, or how much we loved them, or what the fuck ever. I mean, even when I typed you emails about being pregnant and in love with a dude in jail, I supposed we still cared about each other. I just supposed we were that kind of people. I never took you for the sort who'd give up on ME just because it was a damn fine idea to give up on our relationship.

I guess it's just as well...

I mean, what the hell good could either of us do for the other, ever again?

Really, yeah, I still love you, and I still care about you, but there's really no point in pretending that matters. It doesn't matter a bit, after all. I'm in love with Jake, I'm going to have a baby, and I'm going to be a continent away from you for a very long time. Somehow, this all makes it terribly inappropriate, all things considered, for us to have anything to do with each other. Coffee was a bad idea anyway. What the hell would we talk about, anyway? The fact that we once had a pretty good thing going, until I flaked out and was a bitch to you? I guess, other than that, we really don't have anything in common to talk about anymore. It would have been stupid as hell to go out for coffee anyway.

I just wish you would have just fucking SAID that, instead of letting me lie there all day yesterday, sicker than a dog, wondering if the phone would ring.

Next year, I'll send you a Christmas card. From what I understand, that's what happens to people who used to have something to talk about, and used to really care about each other. You send Christmas cards that say, "best wishes," because there's probably nothing more to say. And even if there WAS something more to say, it would just be stupid and pointless to say it.

Okay, fine, then I give up on you too.

Not just on US, but on YOU.

Hope you have a nice new year.

~Helena*

PS -- Perhaps it should be noted that an ex-girlfriend of Jake's was going to come visit him this weekend too, but cancelled, claiming to have a bad headache or some such thing. At least she made an excuse, instead of just forgetting. So we just went about our own business together. And that was nice.