19 December 2001 ~ Homeostasis and miracle cures...

I don't feel good. Bloody HELL, I don't feel good.

You know, for once, just for maybe one whole year of my life, I would like to wake up every morning without checking to make sure all my body parts are in working order. I'd lake to wake up without thinking, "okay, is the mononucleosis going to flare up again today? How awake and alert am I? How's my stomach? What can I eat today that won't make me feel gross tomorrow? Can I have a cup of coffee without crucifying any vital organs? Can I eat a peanut M&M or a sandwich with mayonaise on it, and be assured that it won't make me sick?"

Now, there's this notion called HOMEOSTASIS. For those of you who failed 7th grade bio, that's not a sex act. Homeostasis is basically, a body at rest. Maintaining homeostasis means eating and sleeping and drinking water and exercising and all that, such that the body remains in a state of health. But I swear to gahd, I've stopped believing in homeostasis as a possibility for me.

NORMAL people can have a cup of coffee without fucking thinking about it. Helena can't have a cup of coffee without going berzerk, and then three days later, coming down with some horrendous illness. NORMAL people are either allergic to nuts or they're not. Helena, however, can sometimes have nuts, and other times, they really make her feel queasy. Eggs, too. And anything with eggs in it. Lemon meringue pie? Forget it. Mayonnaise? Sometimes. Straight-up eggs on a plate? Are you trying to kill me? NORMAL people know how far they can walk without getting tired. But sometimes Helena can walk ten miles without getting tired, and other times, the trip to the gas station at the corner is too much.

Basically, it comes down to this: since about a year ago, my immune system has been taking a little bath in a gutter someplace. Probably a nasty gutter in downtown Johnson City. Last Christmas, just before Norman left for Seattle, I started feeling kinda queasy, and ended up staying in his bed watching his movie collection for three days with a fever and a bottle of Pepto-Bismol by my head. It went away, but OH so slowly. Ohhh, how miserable I was!

Then in May, I came down with mono. At first, it just seemed like a little bug or something. Then, it seemed like a really long-lasting bug. Then, I was pretty sure I was going to die. Then, I went to the emergency room where some nurses squeezed my guts, took forty-eight gallons of blood, and told me I had mono. Then, I spent the next month lying in bed moaning and watching Lifetime TV.

A MONTH! Do you know how long a MONTH is when you're sick? There IS a reason that LIFETIME TV is so named.

...And since then, it's no alcohol, no caffeine, and NO nights with fewer than 8 hours of sleep, or I can rest assured I'll end up feeling sick within the week. Do you KNOW how shitty it is to have to think about stuff like that all the damned time? Do you know what it's like to ask for DECAF, and have barristas giggle at you, and STILL wonder if you're going to be okay after you drink it?

According to my mother, who knows everything, it takes the human body between one and two-and-a-half years to fully recuperate after a serious illness. That is: a bad herpes outbreak, mono, menangitis, et cetera. So, for maybe another year and a half, I'm likely to catch everything that's going around, and I'm unlikely to get over it easily.

What the fuck!?

I really feel like crying. It's just an ugly, desperate situation. What the hell can I do to keep myself from feeling like crap ALL the time? I drink enough orange juice so that I practically attract flies; I drink echinecea tea every time I have access to it; I drink lots of water; I generally get enough rest; I watch my stress level and surround myself with nice people most of the time; I walk about a mile or a mile and a half every day... so what the hell? Lots of fluids, lots of rest, get some exercise once in awhile -- isn't that supposed to be ENOUGH? But NOOOOO, of course it isn't.

So what now? I go back to the doctor's office and ask them what to do? They're going to hand me a prescription for glorified aspirin or a sample of Pepto-Bismol, and they're going to tell me to go home and drink lots of fluid and rest. Then they're going to send me a bill for $5,000. Should I go to an aromatherapist? An acupuncturist? An herbalist? A nutritionist? A shrink? A priest? A shaman? WHAT?

Seriously, I've mostly given up all hope for Western medicine. I really have been considering -- for the past six months, at least -- going to an Eastern doctor. After all, consider this: if stress (negative energy) lowers your immune system, and then germs attack you and you can't fight them off, then really, the basis of many illnesses has roots in stuff like chakras and energies and life-forces and all that. Right? Sure.

So anyway... I'm at work today, and I pop a couple of antacids, just to ensure I'll be able to eat lunch. I have a cream-cheese-and-ham sandwich on foccacia. I go back to work, and two and a half hours later, there's this buzzing sound in my head. Now, don't go telling me I'm hearing voices or whatever -- the sensation was a lot like when your ears ring, or when you get that buzzed-out sensation when you haven't eaten much and you stand up too quickly. But the buzzing DIDN'T GO AWAY. Fucking HELL. For nearly forty-five minutes, I felt kinda dizzy and buzzy like I was going to pass out... EXACTLY the same way I felt when I was first coming down with mono.

Then, the fatigue hit. I felt like I'd fallen asleep, but I hadn't. I was sitting there staring, conscious but blurry, and completely unable to work like a normal person. My stomach hurt. My spleen hurt. The sun gave me spots in front of my eyes. I just wanted to go home, ohhhh, home, sweet home! But of course, I didn't. I waited it out, the next two hours of work. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and then I can just lie on the couch until I leave for Washington if that's what I want.

But that's NOT WHAT I WANT!

I want to FEEL better, gah-dammit!!!

I'm sitting here trying to come up with some sort of miracle cure for myself. Nothing has worked for me yet, except -- well... except jumping in the Lake someplace near Auburn, WA. I don't know why: one minute, I was feeling a little tired and yucky, and then I jumped in the lake, and immediately afterwards, I felt like a million dollars. A miracle cure? Probably not, but shit, don't think I'm not planning to try to find that place again... After all, nothing else has doen a damned thing for me, and I don't feel good, and I want to get better.

That's all. All I want for Christmas is my homeostasis.

~Helena*