Helena has an internet-crush.
How fucken dorky is THAT?
Before I got any further with this little tale, I need to clarify a few things...
First of all, I do not believe that one can "fall in love," as such, without having met the object of his or her affections. There are certain essential qualities that one misses out on in cyberspace, and over the phone. I made a good friend once in cyberspace, only to find out that he was... well, sort of loopy. Still a really, really good guy, but when he was an hour or two late with his medication, he became quite the freak. And not in a good way. But you'd NEVER know it if you went by the emails alone. When he began leaving six dozen messages on my answering machine (bear in mind, I was still in high school, and living quite a long distance away from him...), I sort of understood that there was more to him than Hotmail could possibly support.
Oh, I've had many, many internet-relationships. I've even met a few cyber-people. Sometimes, during the day, I'll think, "gee, I should email so-and-so about that thing I just saw..." They become part of your life. I've met a HELL of a lot of awesome people via the internet, and exchanged letters, phone calls, and even visits with some of them. Generally speaking, most of those relationships have worked out fairly well.
Tommy and I wrote half a dozen internet-plays together before we met. I'd performed one of his pieces at an open-mike night in Santa Fe. Tommy and I just sort of clicked sometimes. I adored him.
I met Jeff over the internet before I met him in person. He was sort of a dork via email. I should have gone with my gut instinct.
And Aengus... Gahd, I met Aengus online, and got myself a good healthy dose of real infatuation... I don't suppose I ever LOVED him, as in, wanted to spend a good long time in some lovely domestic relationship... it simply wouldn't have worked, of course. But he was on my mind from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep -- he ceased to be a screen-name and an email address. He was so very real to me...
But you see, one simply cannot "fall in love," over the internet. That sort of thing involves presence: seeing for yourself the sort of weird little thoughts floating through somebody's eyes; hearing somebody's voice; noticing the noises they make when they chew; looking at them while they're asleep... SO many little things... Insofar as it's possible for one person to KNOW another person, one needs to be in that person's presence to know and appreciate everything about them.
HOWEVER! I do think one can get pretty damned close to "knowing" somebody without meeting them face-to-face. Once, Jayden showed up at a messageboard I frequented, and I recognized her IMMEDIATELY, even though I had no reason to suspect she'd even find that messageboard. I didn't recognize the screen-name, and she was using an email address I wasn't familiar with, but there was simply no doubt that it was her. Something about the words, the way she used them, the way she punctuated, the vocabulary. It was HER, essentially and wholly. And though she was using an unfamiliar screen-name, I immediately clicked with the personality in her posts, even before I recognized that it was her. One CAN glimpse a hefty piece of soul behind other people's words. On the other hand, I'm pretty good at noticing things like that -- better than most people, I daresay.
Anyway, back to my internet-crush...
Really, I just kind of find it amusing. I've "met" somebody with whom I have a few things in common, and I appreciate the sort of perky optimism in his emails and posts online. I really have no intention of claiming to have any other feelings for him, because I really don't know, and I really WON'T know until I meet him.
*GRIN*
...which won't be too difficult, because he only lives about an hour away from Evergreen...
Now THAT is exciting!
How cool is it that I met somebody interesting in the vast world of cyberspace, and thought fleetingly, "hey, wouldn't it be cool to hang out with this person and watch movies?" and then found out it wouldn't take very much effort at all? So we have tentative plans to hang out, do the movie-thing (and who better to do the movie-thing with than somebody who owns more rare Lynch stuff than *I* do!?), do the coffee thing, maybe see some sights and such... It will be like a blind date -- only not exactly... It will be like a date with a celebrity -- somebody that you suppose you know a whole lot about, but you've only really experienced their personality from afar... How fucken awesome is THAT?
...One more reason I look forward to moving to Washington! My gahd, it seems like ALL the interesting and important people end up there eventually... (Hint, hint! A few more of you need to move out in that general direction... Just a few, mind you...)
I had the most incredibly fucked-up dream last night. It was so vivid I actually woke up and didn't know where I was...
I dreamed I was in Seattle, wandering along like, Pine Street or something... I was at an intersection, and I saw this little girl crossing the road. Out of NOWHERE, this big black taxicab came flying around the corner, narrowly missing the little girl. The driver leaned out his window and starting taunting the girl, sort of jeering at her, and threatening to hit her if she didn't stay off of HIS road.
I darted between the taxi and the girl, and thrust her behind my back. And I'll be damned: I stood there and cussed out that cabdriver until I was blue in the face. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fucking asshole motherfucker? She's practically a baby! You leave her the hell alone!" On and on until the cabdriver actually looked sheepish. In the dream, I even took down the license number and the name of the cab-company. Then I picked up the little girl, sat her down on my lap, and comforted her for a minute or two. We sat on the curb, me talking to her, asking where her parents were, and she told me she had no parents.
Then, we were in a basement of some sort, but we were surrounded by my belongings. I was searching desperately for some candy among my things to give to the little girl, but I couldn't find any. Instead, I found all these boxes of useless things: ripped-up books, crumpled papers, useless little glass ornaments, you name it... I said: "Listen, I can't find any candy for you, but don't worry; I promised you some, and I'll find you some. I just have to throw some of this shit away." Then, my mother and my brothers were there in the basement too, insisting that I not throw any of the garbage away. "You have to keep that! I gave you that as a Christmas present!" they'd say.
"But you don't understand!" I replied. "If I can't throw any of this shit away, I won't be able to find any candy for this little girl!"
They didn't care. They began touching me, sort of petting my hair and saying, "but Helena, we LOVE you, and we want you to keep these things as mementos of us! You can't throw this away! Here, we'll help you find some candy!"
My little brother dove into a box of my things, and came up holding a box of marzipan. It was rotten; it had worms in it. I said, "I can't give that to the little girl! It has worms in it! That's disgusting! Throw it away!" But my brother said, "But remember when you bought that box of marzipan? Remember? We were in Maine when you got it, and you HAVE to keep it!"
On and on like that until I woke up in a cold sweat.
Norman, curled up in a little ball on the other side of the bed, must have been disturbed by my dream -- I must have been kicking him or something. But he must have been having some wild dream too, because he opened his eyes for approximately two seconds, and said, "Man, that was some game! What a game!"
Talk about fucking SURREAL!
Anyway... I have to get going -- I have four million things to do right now, plus I'm starving, so I'm signing off here...
~Helena*