19 November 2001 ~ I don't miss you...

I was looking out the window, not really thinking about anything in particular. The sky looked like mashed potatoes with lots of butter melted into it.

And I thought, "hey, remember that time we went to Java's and got hazelnut lattés and went to see 'Dancer in the Dark'?"

But we never did see "Dancer in the Dark" together. I saw it my myself. Funny, how I remember You being with me that night. Funny, how I sort of remember You being with me for ALL the important things... The movies, the lovers, the eight thousand jobs, the bus rides, the plane rides, the lakes, the rivers, the fights, the food, the long nights with my arms around my pillow...

Funny, how I never really MISS You.

I caught myself talking to You in my mind the other day, looking out the window, and I sort of yelled at myself. But I could smell hazelnuts in the air, and I had no desire to be rid of Your presence.

Love,
~Helena*

“And yet it would be a lie for me to say that I miss you, it’s the most complete, most painful magic, you are here, as much as I and more intensely; wherever I am you’re there as much as I am, and indeed more so. I’m not joking, sometimes I imagine that you, since you’re here, miss me and ask ‘where is he?...’” –F. Kafka, “Letters to Milena.”