I had a nice, serious entry to write this afternoon, but that ALL got poured down the drain this evening.
I've been avoiding caffeine for about a week now, because it was sort of messing up my system, and I decided to splurge and have a can of Pepsi... And shortly after that can of Pepsi, my mother and I were given complimentary tickets to the high school musical in Greene, NY. Shortly after arriving at the high school, I became so deliriously hyper and stupid that all scraps of seriousness were just utterly lost. I have not been so SILLY in, like, years...
I don't think I've ever bashed Greene with such fervor. It's not that I don't LIKE Greene. It's just that it's very small, and very rural, and it's an easy target. For example: Greene High School no longer has an orchestra or a band. For their musical, they had to "borrow" all the Johnson City kids. They also borrowed Johnson City's set designer, and some other various techie-type people. They also borrowed some people from Windsor, NY, which is even smaller and more rural than Greene itself.
They performed "Guys and Dolls."
The show lasted like THREE AND A HALF hours.
Being sort of rural and down-home and whatever, Greene forbade its female dancers from showing any skin. So the dancers wore these bizarre body suits underneath their skimpy little outfits. Why? Well, because the belly-button is a disgustingly debaucherous (is that a word?) orifice. I laughed so hard I SOBBED when I saw those stupid bodysuits! I had to distract myself by looking at the various equipment on the sides of the stage. One particular piece of equipment struck me as looking very similar to a wombat climbing a tree. I pointed this out to my mom. She laughed at that so hard that SHE was nearly sobbing.
I cannot tell you what, exactly, was so funny about this musical. I cannot tell you exactly why I found it necessary to make such dreadful fun of Greene and its quaint little collection of inhabitants. But I giggled almost constantly from the beginning of the show until the end. I giggled at intermission when I went to the bathroom. I giggled after the show as we were walking down the hall. I giggled about wombats. I giggled about the orchestra-on-loan. I giggled about those damn bodysuits. I giggled about the one fat girl whose bodysuit just didn't cover up the cellulite. I giggled over fucken EVERYTHING. Hell: ya coulda told me my house had burned down, and I would have been giggling over THAT. But since I was in Greene, I giggled at Greene.
If I wasn't so hyper, STILL, I'd almost feel bad for making fun of Greene. But as it is, I'm STILL giggling, and I STILL can't help it.
Now, the evening got off to an amusing start; I have to explain this...
My brother was one of the "borrowed" instrumentalists for the show, which is why we got complimentary tickets. And his friend Becky -- or something -- was also playing in the orchestra, so we gave her a ride. Well, Becky was one of those know-it-all little band-bitches I've always despised. But the thing was, she didn't KNOW anything! Already kind of silly, I made the best of being trapped in the car with this little weirdo...
She was talking about linguistics. She was telling my brother that English is a Germanic language, which, technically, it is. Only, she pronounced "Germanic" pretty much the way it looks: "German-ick." For those of you who aren't acquainted with the word, the correct pronunciation is "Ger-MAN-ick." If you're trying to make yourself sound like some sort of linguistics expert, for gahd's sake, learn how to pronounce the words you're using! Anyway, so she's going on about Spanish is just about the same as Latin, because it's a Latin-based language, which is partly true. Only, Spanish is NOT "about the same" as Latin. I butted in with:
"Just because a language is a Latin-based language does NOT mean it's about the same as Latin. For example, French is a Latin-based language, but it's not the same as Latin, and it's also not the same as Spanish. You know the Germans took over France back in the middle ages, so French has a lot of German influence in it..."
[I was kind of talking out my ass... I THINK I was right. Really, I just wanted to pick on the band-snot.]
"Yeah, well, the reason that Spanish is not the same as French is because..." The band-snot gave some lame explanation. I hate it when people try to one-up me when it's clear they're just clueless. So I said:
"The reason Spanish is not the same as French is because Spain and France are different countries."
She didn't get the sarcasm. She started going on about how English is like, EXACTLY the same as German, and German people all speak very good English because English and German are like, basically the same thing. Tell that to whoever dubbed "Run Lola Run"! Oy! I had a few other sarcastic comments. I pulled them off beautifully. I thought my mom was going to have to pull the car over to the side of the road, she was trying so hard not to bust a gut laughing.
THEN, the little band-snot started expounding on how many states she'd been to. Ha! I may not be a linguistics expert or anything, but I can hold my own. However, on the subject of domestic travel, I'm quite well read. So when the band-snot said, "I've been to Ohio, and Pennsylvania, and Illinois, and Seattle, and Michigan, and..." I almost kicked her. Instead, I said quietly, completely deadpan: "Seattle's a GREAT state." My mother, who caught the fact that Seattle is not a state, complicated the whole thing by saying something to the effect of, "yeah, but Oregon has been having all those forest fires!" She's not a dumb woman, my mom... She's one of the brightest people I know. But like me, she's often a million miles out in space. But whatever; that was how the evening started: with me having a sarcastic little match of wits with a band-snot. And of course, everything just got rowdier and weirder until I was doubled over, tears running down my face, and laughing so hard I thought my stomach would burst open.
Poor Greene. Poor band-snot. I was in rare form tonight.
I felt I owed Greene an apology. (I never apologize to band-snots.) Or at least an explanation. So I explained that I'd not gotten much sleep the night before, a result of Norman's battle with an extreme case of the hiccups. "...and so there he was, cursing and gulping and slurping and hiccuping and pacing and..."
Man, I just could NOT shut up. I also couldn't stop fucking LAUGHING.
Gahd, I've just got to go to bed and let this wear off... I can't stand this interminable amusement!
German-ick! HA!
Rockin' the boat...
~Helena*