Well hell.
Tuesday afternoon. The economy's down the drain. The world is probably going to hell in a bread basket. My book is still going nowhere. And on top of all that, I have cavities. Fuck.
I'm feeling quite negative about things. I guess maybe you could tell.
You know, I spent a very interesting evening with my friend Aaron the other night. He was back in town for a weekend, and naturally, the assumption was that we'd go make some trouble of some sort. But he decided that the best thing to do would be to drive around for a few hours while he "played devil's advocate." Those were his words, anyway. In my words, he was discouraging me from going to college.
He said "You have to get a job and pay off all your debts before you go someplace else." A nice thought, but if I haven't been able to pay them YET, if I can't even get a seasonal job this time of year for minimum wage, I don't know how the hell he thinks I'm going to magically come up with a $7.50-an-hour gig and magically pay everything off.
He said: "You're just trying to recreate your past." He said: "You're obsessed with this idea of moving to Washington; TOO obsessed." He spent several hours explaining why none of this is a good idea, why the school CAN'T be good, why I'm going to end up broke and depressed and far away from my family. This was not a friendly discussion, this was Aaron insisting he's right and I'm wrong. This was one more person trying to keep me here in a place where, indeed, I will never amount to anything.
Well, happy fucken Hallowe'en, Aaron. It looks like you just might get your wish. I spent most of yesterday job-hunting, and not a soul offered me an interview. Most places said "we're not hiring," despite the "NOW HIRING!" signs on their doors. I got denied a loan, I got denied a dozen jobs, and I got told I'm going to have to go to an oral surgeon to repair some problem with a joint in my jaw. A thousand more doors slammed in my face. Happy Hallowe'en, Aaron. Merry Christmas and happy birthday while we're at it. Now you can have what you want: a penniless best friend with absolutely no chance of an education, a decent job, or much of fucking anything...
So what now?
I'm selling my CD's this week, and I'll try to sell some of my books as well. I'm going to hunt down the software for my scanner and make an attempt to sell that. I'm going to sell my boombox and probably my futon: both barely-used. The Lynch-posters will be on Ebay by the end of the night. I can't part with the videos or the books, but the posters will have to go, I guess. That should be rent for next month. And it'll be a lot of stuff I won't have to worry about when I go to Washington. How will I get to Washington? I have no idea. Hitch? Beg? Offer somebody twenty bucks and companionship if they'll drive me? Walk?
Happy Thanksgiving, Aaron. Happy New Year.
Norman just stalked out of the house glaring at me. Probably he was just glaring to himself. Probably I'm just depressed and taking everything way too personally. Now the apartment is silent except for my keyboard.
Am going to shut the computer off and make a list of personal belongings that are absolutely indispensable. Think I'll be able to fit them in my backpack? Anybody want to place any bets? Everything else will be sold.
Happy, happy, happy Hallowe'en, Aaron.
~Helena*