This sucks so much.
During a long, quiet evening alone in the Evergreen library, I came to a startling revelation... I don't want to die.
No, it was a little more complicated than that, really...
Basically, I want to be healthy. More healthy than I am. And less worried than I am about staying healthy.
One day, not long ago, Jake walked up to me, put his hand on me, and asked, "do you have a family history of heart disease?" I said: "Uh... yeah, why?" He said: "Stop smoking."
"Huh?"
"If you don't stop smoking, you're going to get heart disease too. You have to stop smoking. I'll stop with you if you want."
"What are you talking about? How did you know about my family history of heart disease?"
"I just know."
The thing about Jake is that he's not usually so ominous and creepy, but on those rare occasions when he is, it's a damned good idea to listen. Jake can tell if a door is locked or not from about fifty yards away. Maybe by smelling the wind. Maybe because his dad swears the family tree includes Jesus Christ. Who knows. But when Jake is ominous and creepy, one really ought to pay attention.
And after the Voice in the Evergreen Library spoke to me (okay, it wasn't quite as dramatic as all that...), I figured it's probably about time -- again.
I like to smoke. It feels pretty good.
I smoke Camel menthols. I like them better than Newports. I like the camel on the package. I think it has something to do with the "subliminal" naked man they sneaked into the camel's front leg. Maybe something to do with Tom Robbins, also, though I'll deny that I ever said that.
I tried to quit smoking when I moved to Olympia. I was doing pretty good. Because I lived in a non-smoking building, and it sucks to go outside all the time in the winter to smoke, I got myself down to three or four cigarettes a day. Once, I think I only had one. But then spring came, and summer came, and I was dating a smoker, and I moved into a building where you're not going to get a $50 fine if they catch you smoking... so I was back up to where I'd started, which was about a half-a-pack per day. But at LEAST I'd managed to break myself of the habit of smoking at the computer...
Well, it's getting to be cold outside again, but the thing NOW is, I'm doing so many different things, so many assignments, so many readings, so many classes and meetings and seminars and things, that I smoke every time I go outside to pass from one building to another, or from one class to another, or from one assignment to the next.
I smoke when I'm hungry, or thirsty, which is all the time, because I never have food and I hate to drink water without sugar or bubbles in it.
I smoke when I'm hyper. Or sleepy.
I smoke when I'm drinking alcohol or caffeine.
I smoke a LOT when I'm listening to jazz. I usually go through a pack when I'm at the Spar.
I like the word "smoke."
I smoke to stay awake. Or to wake up. Or to make myself sleepy.
Now I'm not smoking at all.
I have a nicotine patch on right now. I haven't smoked for over 48 hours now. And it sucks. It sucks hardcore. I'm not as sick as I imagined I'd be (last time, I was coughing up blood and running a fever of about 103 -- fun fun fun time to be at Disneyland, don'tcha know?), but I feel... crappy. Just crappy. I feel HUNGRY. I feel thirsty. And I know I'm not either of those things; it's something else I want to be putting into my body. I never experienced cravings like this before. It sucks. It sucks hardcore.
The thing about this is, I'm used to doing something and getting it over with. I'm used to going to work, meeting with all the people I'm supposed to meet with, and then marking off another day, and it's done, and I'll never have to do it again. I'm used to going to class, reading a book, whatever else, and then NOT WORRYING about doing it anymore, because it's DONE, it's over with. I'm not the sort of person who can maintain. I hate having to eat, I have having to brush my teeth, and I hate (more than just about anything) exercising on purpose. I'm what they call "goal-oriented."
Well, I've hit my goal; I'm not smoking right now.
So now what?
Now I think I should get a big fat pack of Camel menthols as a reward, that's what.
I'm scared that I'm going to fail miserably at this. How am I supposed to maintain NOT SMOKING every day of my life until I die? That's maintainance right there. I've wanted a cigarette approximately every HOUR since I stuck this stupid patch on -- am I going to live the rest of my life like this? Fuck that shit! If I don't manage to forget about the general feeling of pleasure I get from smoking, I'm going to be miserable, and I'm not going to quit. In other words, the cravings better just fucking stop.
The thing is, I like to smoke. Scare-tactic campaigns in high school, scare-tactic campaigns on public billboards, scare tactics from nasty old ladies with emphesema don't work on me... What works on me is being told: "Helena, you are genetically pre-disposed to heart problems, you have a significantly higher risk than many of getting reproductive cancers, and you increase those risks a LOT by smoking." And I HAVE been told that. A number of times. Was sitting in the library, was doing some thinking, was thinking of all the things I have left to do, that I want to keep doing forever and ever, and I wanted to quit.
I want to always look at sunshine on water. Maybe if I stop smoking, I can die a few years later than I would have otherwise. I KNOW everybody dies, but I LIKE to be alive, and I'd like to continue being alive for as long as I can. I mean, for as long as I can without resorting to drastic measures, such as deliberately exercising, or eating vegetarian...
I want to always look at sunshine on water.
That's all.
Maybe that can be my mantra; every time I want a cigarette, I'll say that...
This sucks...
~H.T.*