It's late and I'm not sure my words will be coherent.
Last night I was walking home from work, kind of hoping to go over to Taze's apartment, kind of thinking about going over there and laying in his arms, maybe reading, maybe watching him play guitar for awhile... It was a peaceful night -- was half-listening to Poe, thinking of how I forgot my Poe tape in Asheville, how it's probably still in Drew's car, wondering if you listen to it, if you realize how much, exactly, it reminded me of Robbie ("can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being..."), if...
...whatever.
Looked up and saw the moon, how bright it was, how it made everything feel like summer.
I gave you the moon. It's yours. It was my guiding star when I was in Virginia, in a convenience-store parking lot, eating a Twix bar and hoping to all the higher powers you were okay, hoping to all the higher powers that when I saw you, if I saw you, that *I* would be okay... The moon sort of comforted me, knowing that we were both under it... I sang to myself, "...roll black water, keep on rollin', Mississippi moon won't you keep on shining on me..." I guess it was the only thing that comforted me, a zillion miles from anything familiar, alone and misunderstood in the fact that I was travelling a zillion miles to see you... If nobody else understood, the moon sort of seemed to. It sort of seemed to say, "hey... I know." Like you would: without saying a word, but brightly, and clearly.
So, walking to Taze's, I thought of you in the moonlight. We've never been out together at night, not really, unless you count wing-nights. I've never seen you in moonlight.
Jason, I love Taze. I love him. He is exactly the person I've been looking for. Sweet and generous; an artist; an older guy who loves to play; a philosopher; a passionate lover; just gay enough to love me for being a little boy in a woman's body, and just straight enough to admit it... He has beautiful eyes and strong musician-hands. He is already a part of me; a large part of me...
I believe this was supposed to happen. I believe that I'm supposed to be with him, at least for now, for a little while... And I'm happy; he makes me so happy. The books he lends me, the breakfasts we have together, making love in the mornings, holding hands, reading the paper... All the mundane stuff everyone else takes for granted; the kind of thing I've never had, and appreciate so much more because I have these things with a person I'm falling in love with. When I am with him, I do not wish to be anywhere else.
But I don't know what I'd do if you showed up in town. I do not know what I would do if you walked into Java Joe's some night and said, "hey there."
I love you, am in love with you, and it will not go away. I know my dreams of being with you cannot happen the way I wish. I know I cannot run away to Asheville and spend the rest of my life in your arms. I know we have our respective partners to think of, and I do think of Taze, and I do very much cherish him and my relationship with him, despite the fact that it's still fairly young. I know that you and I cannot be together yet, maybe we won't be for a long time, maybe we won't be in this lifetime, maybe we never will be. But I love you, and sometimes, when the moon is out and it's bright, I think of Virginia, and how I was alone in the world, completely alone, with only my love for you and the moon behind me. I think of how safe I felt with those two things.
I'm typing softly -- I keep having to go back and add in letters that I didn't hit hard enough on the keyboard. You are my biggest secret: the way I love you, the way I can't let go of you, the way I sometimes imagine running away to you, and letting you enfold me in everything you are, and protect me, and hold me, just hold me, just hold me... I can't tell anyone that, no one; not my journal, not Robbie, not my mother, not Taze...
I cannot come to you again anytime soon. I have to live my life here, work my jobs and love my lover. Take care of my family, update my website. I have to walk home after work, crawl into my bed, or into Taze's bed, clutch my pillow or my boyfriend. I have to see things for what they are; my pillow is not you and Taze is not you. I cannot run away to you. There is no room for you in my life.
(But the biggest and quietest and most beautiful part of my heart IS your room, your residence, where you belong... I suspect a part of your heart is reserved for me as well, though I know I have no place in your life other than as a casual long-distance friend.)
I'm crying. I'm not sure why. My life is happy. I am satisfied, I am fulfilled and comfortable. Secure. There is no reason to cry. My life is full of wonderful things. And a few not-so-wonderful things, but those are easily overlooked.
(A part of me is missing...)
(I miss you...)
The moon was so bright last night... It seems to measure the time we've been apart; wax, wane, wax, wane... Three months... Nearly four. Wax, wane, wax, wane... I thought of you. I thought of how the moon pulls at oceans, causes tides. I will not let my love for you pull me anywhere. I can't. I would lose everything, maybe even you. I will not let my feelings for you drown me. I will live my life steadily and faithfully. I will think of you every second of my life, let you live in me, but not pull at me. And if you show up in Binghamton, I will welcome you with open arms, smile at you, and perhaps say nothing, because nothing need be said.
This is all too cheesy. If you ever read this, you'd raise your eyebrows.
But you know I mean every word I say. And I think you know exactly, EXACTLY what I feel, what I mean...
I cannot let myself need you any longer. And so I won't. So I don't.
But I have no choice other than loving you. Silently.
Always, always, yours...
~Carolyn*