05 October 2000 ~ Back to school...

Oh, what a miserable day outside!

Last night, my landlord stopped by my work to pick up the rent check (I'd called him and told him I didn't have any stamps), and he encouraged me to go onto welfare.

"How old are you?" he asked.

Immediately suspicious, I hesitated for a long moment. "Twenty," I returned.

"You should be in school," he said. "Have you ever thought about going to school? There are programs that can help..."

He listed a few "organizations" that can help people who are financially strapped for cash. In other words, welfare, which I will not consider.

Have you ever thought about going to school?

What kind of a stupid question is that? Yes, of course I've thought about going back to school. A few months ago, I even picked up an application or two, absolutely determined to go back to school. I'd even chosen which school I wanted to go to: an out-of-state one with a creative writing major, of course. But my enthusiasm faded when I saw what I'd have to do to avoid paying $10,000 a year out of my own pocket. First on the list, learn to drive; second, get a driver's license in another state 6 months before actually applying; third, prove I'm penniless; fourth, move and get a job; fifth, get a car because the college isn't within walking distance of anything; sixth, apply and hope to heaven I get in; seventh, apply for financial aid and scholarships... you see my point...

YES, I want to go back to school. I'd double-major; either writing and sociology, or writing and philosophy. I am not happy knowing I'm a collge dropout. I am not happy when people ask my age and give me a disappointed stare and start talking about welfare. I am not happy feeling inferior to my peers, some of whom are in college and dumber than rocks, and some of whom are in college and ought to be teaching it.

I'm not happy feeling like my mind is rotting away in a kitchen where the greatest mind-strain is, "my gahd, how old IS this rice-and-beans?"

I perfected my homemade-aranciata last night.

Why don't I feel like I overcame any particular challenge? Why do I feel so fucking stupid? And used-up?

~H.T.*

"...School's out forever..." --Alice Cooper