30 September 2001 ~ At the bottom of the food chain...

Quoth the Bible: Make a joyful noise unto the Lord!

Quoth Helena: I shall make a joyful noise unto the whole world, mostly Binghamton!

And that joyful noise, though for the most part unspellable, would, if it WAS spellable, look something like this:

"Yippeeeee! Fuck you!"

I am going to write a journal entry, and then I am going to drink! Yep! I am going to finish this thing right here, and I am going to get myself nice and warmed up at the Belmar with merlot-out-of-a-box, and I'm going to play shitty music on the jukebox, and I'm going to sing along, loudly, and then I'm going to come home and pass out on the couch while watching Lifetime, Television for Women! Whee! Yippee! Fuck you!

Tonight is a celebration!

I am celebrating being the lowest of the low! I am THE bottom of the food chain! I SUCK! I'm a LOSER! I'm an affront to all the good people of the world! I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me! Whee!!!

["...Things are gonna change, I can feel it!" --Beck, "Loser"]

You see, Helena flips burgers for a living! Helena pays her rent by sucking up to some of the dumbest people on the planet! My job is to feed people "food" that they order by NUMBER! They say, "I'll have a number four," and I say, "okay!" and then I ask them if they want ketchup. And they say, "Enh?" And so I must hold up a ketchup packet, to show them what ketchup is, because sometimes they don't understand. Sometimes they get really mad if you try to give them ketchup. Sometimes they get really mad if you don't. Basically, everybody hates me! Wheeeeeee! Woooo-hoo!

Not only does Helena flip burgers for a living, but Helena goes to school at the local community college. Most of her classmates are kids who weren't smart enough to get into a "real" college. Contrary to what people tell you, it's NOT beneficial to one's MIND to go to a two-year-school for two years before finishing one's degree at a four-year school. Indeed, I think two-year schools ROT people's brains! It's like watching TV, only not as enlightening! Helena goes to school with the dumb kids! Well... the dumb kids and the really, really poor smart kids... But believe me, the dumb kids FAR outnumber the poor smart kids...

AND! Not only that! But Helena doesn't even have a CAR! Helena is a PEDESTRIAN! You know, one of those bitches for whom the "so many pedestrians, so little time" bumper stickers are made?!

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go get drunk!

But you know what? I'm just ecstatic. Really! Really, I am!

I'm the bottom of the food chain, the scum of the earth! And you know what? It CAN'T GET MUCH WORSE!

[Norman: "It could be worse. You could get addicted to heroin and sell your body for money..."]

[Helena: "That's not worse... There's a certain respect people have for junkies and whores... Ever see 'Trainspotting'? Or 'Requiem for a Dream'? Man, those kids were cool. Burger flipping is lower!"]

Yes, of course, it could always get worse. I could get leprosy. A lot of bad things could happen. But you know, I really, REALLY get the feeling that it's all going up from here!

In less than four hours here on the east coast -- seven houurs on the west coast, it will be October. And in October, the Evergreen State College will officially review my file and send me a letter about whether or not I'm in. And when they do that, I can call them and say, "I'm taking a class at the local community college for you guys, and in the meantime, I'm flipping burgers... Dudes, you've GOTTA help me out and get me the hell into your school and hook me up with some financial aid and a cute little dorm room overlooking the sea..."

I have no doubt, no question whatsoever, that they'll do that for me, and say, "okay, get your ass up here."

Go west, young woman! Go west!

And I shall! I shall walk out of my fast-food joint, and I shall walk out of my community college, and I shall walk out of the town I was born and raised in, and I shall make a joyful noise that sounds a little bit like "yippee! fuck you!"

You know, being at the bottom of the barrel isn't such a bad thing! It's maybe the best place to be! I've got everything I could possibly hope to have: a future, a good book, and a hell of a lot of people who hate me because they think I'm a hell of a lot dirtier, or grosser, or stupider, or poorer, or SOMETHING than they are. Well, I'll tell you something; it's not so bad being despised!

As a burger-flipper, *I* tell YOU how long you're going to wait for your damned cheeseburgers! As a pedestrian, I am GOING to walk out in front of your car if I have the right of way, and I'm going to give you a disgustingly sweet smile and flip you a peace sign as you reluctantly stop to let me pass! And as a community-college student, I am going to get myself the HELL out of here! And I am going to be laughing! I am going to laugh, and I am going to give every single one of you bitches a nice little peace sign, and I'm going to blow you a kiss and say, "Loser, enh? NOW who's the loser? Who, indeed, is the loser?"

There is no worse place to be on the social food chain! There is only better! There is only an uphill climb, and I AM climbing, and I might be a loser, but I've got a better-looking future than ANYBODY, and a few months isn't all THAT long to wait...

Things are gonna change, I CAN FEEL IT!

And now, I'm going to go celebrate!!! Westward, young woman! To the Belmar!!!

Soy un perdetor!!!
~Helena*