23 September 2000 ~ Someone of your insight...

I wrote you the other day, just one line... I said, "if you've never been there for me before, and you'll never be there for me again, be here with me now... I need your strength..." I didn't send it, just wrote it. Carried it with me. Carried it in the beige notebook with the leaves printed on the front.

I couldn't say more than that, not even in a letter I knew I wouldn't send. Because I couldn't bear to disappoint you. I couldn't bear to tell you things aren't so good, and that I've not been doing such a good job of KEEPING things good. I couldn't bear to tell you I sometimes feel like I'm sinking a little and I need you. Sometimes I do need you.

Things aren't so good right now. Well, SOME things aren't so good. I guess you could tell; I kind of whine a lot and sound a little bit more teen-angsty than usual. Other things are grand, and I guess you probably know that, too.

Things weren't very good yesterday. But somehow, I felt like you were with me -- maybe oblivious to everything that's been going on in my life, but with me nonetheless, as the small part of me that knows damned well there's a lot of courage inside me. And so when things got bad, I didn't cry, at least not in front of anyone, which was very hard to do... When things got bad, and I was sort of considering getting really drunk and sleeping for a long, long time, I did what you would have done instead... I can't talk about that now, especially not online... But things got bad yesterday... And I remember very few times that have hurt worse. But thank you for being with me. Thinking of you warmed me up.

I love you. Thank you for all the places you'll never know you've been, and for all the things you've whispered into my ear that you've never known you've whispered.

Always, virtually...
~Me*

"Diane, I hope that you will not mind that I am addressing these tapes to you, even when it is clear that I am talking to myself. The knowledge that someone of your insight is standing behind me is very comforting." --slight misquote of Agent Dale B. Cooper.