Once upon a time, about a bazillion years ago, there was an old lady, and a couple of young men with that infantile belief that it's sometimes okay to be a huge jackass, as long as you're sort of sure you know what you're talking about.
The young men were brothers. And since these were days (about a bazillion years ago...) when you could still call a guy a "warrior" and that wasn't synonymous with "fruitcake," these two fellows were warriors.
The Great Spirit liked these three folks. The young warriors were sons of his, as a matter of fact. And the old woman, who was wise and nice and baked blackberry muffins for the Great Spirit on a regular basis, was, naturally, also in his favor. He gave them all eternal life.
For all her wisdom and her rabid enjoyment of baking blackberry muffins and knitting, and doing nice-wise-old-lady things, Loowit, (for that was her name), got kind of weepy and whiny about having eternal life. The Big G.S. really should have known better than to freeze an old lady in time. Imagine yourself a post-menopausal woman, maybe with arthritis, maybe with bowel problems, who knows what all? In any case, Loowit was NOT happy about this. So the Great Spirit made her young and beautiful again. I'm assuming he also fixed up her arthritis and her old-lady bowels. You do for people who make you blackberry muffins.
Well, Loowit, who was now one sexy bitch, was bumming around one day, wearing a pair of Docs and listening to Free Jazz With Fred on KAOS, when the two warriors happened to wander over her way... (Do you sense impending trouble? Hoo-boy, you should be sensing impending trouble...) One wandered over from one direction, and the other wandered in from the other direction... And there, between them, was a hot chick who could make a seriously killer blackberry muffin.
So, Klickitat, which was the name of one of the brothers, made eyes at Loowit, whispered some cheesy stuff in her ear, gave her a beer and kissed the back of her neck... And Wy'east, the other brother, talked with her awhile, whispered some cheesy stuff in her ear, gave her a beer, and kissed the back of her neck... Now, for those of you who don't know, the back of the neck is a very sensitive area for some women, and Loowit appeared to be pretty into this whole thing... One chick, two guys -- every girl's fantasy, no? Besides, this is a chick who, a few days earlier, was a decrepit old lady who had to ask bus drivers to help her on the bus. I mean, here she is with TWO hot young warriors after her, and she's feeling pretty damned sexy...
...Until, of course, the brothers started fighting. Of course, they were fighting over the girl, but the real violence started going on when one of them said the other listened to sucky music. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but the quickest way to anger most dudes on this planet is to mack it with his girl, or tell him that Radiohead sucks. MOST dudes, not all. But these guys, Klickitat and Wy'east, weren't much of an exception. One of them threw a punch, and then a bottle got broken, and all hell broke loose...
Well, the Great Spirit got kinda pissed off, and smote all three of them. (Smote? What exactly HAVE you done to somebody if you've "smote" them? I don't know; it's a good word for fairy tales and legends and things...) All three of them turned into mountains, right where they stood. Klickitat had probably been the first to be blowing in Loowit's ear, and Wy'east had probably thrown the first punch -- and Loowit herself had been allowing two men to mack it with her. You know: everybody's guilty of SOMETHING, everybody goes to bed without supper. Or, as the case was, gets turned into a mountain. ...And really, this was a lot bigger deal than just a couple of punches being thrown and a couple of bottles breaking: the whole area was destroyed, all the trees burned down... I mean, yeah, this was dramatic and stupid, but it was also REALLY destructive. And in those days, there were no firefighters. Or maybe there were, and they were trying to keep the forests burning for awhile so they'd get their hazard pay an extra day or two. I don't know. In any case, there was some serious damage.
So they were turned to mountains. All three of them.
At the moment the Great Spirit turned them into mountains, Wy'east had his chin up in the air and was yelling "Fuck you too, bro!" at Klickitat. Wy'east's mountain, which is now called Mount Hood, has a pointy little head on it. Mount Hood lives near Portland. Klickitat, at the moment in question, was looking at Loowit, and started crying to see such a hot chick turned into a mountain. Klickitat's mountain, which is now called Mount Adams, has its head down. And Loowit's mountain, later called Mount Saint Helen's, looked like... well, a mountain that, if it was a woman, would have been pretty sexy and would have made some killer blackberry muffins.
Despite being mountains, Klickitat and Wy'east continued to fight. They threw rocks at each other, for lack of better weapons. And fire. I'm telling you, sometimes guys just don't ever give it UP, you know? This continued, off and on, for about a bazillion years, until we're almost up to the present time...
Not so long ago, Loowit, who was sick and freakin' TIRED of all the damned fighting, all the insults, the whining, the macho crap, exploded. There's only so much you can take, you know? She just woke up one day, and these two guys (BOTH of whom she had really liked, and whom she STILL liked) were bitching at each other under their breaths... So she sat up, and she yelled, "Would you two SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'm sick of you fucking FIGHTING all the time, I'm sick of you trying to impress me, I'm sick of this macho shit, can't you just shut up and LOVE me?"
Well, on those last few words, Loowit exploded. Really.
For miles around, there were no trees left. Everything was on fire. Everything was covered with ashes. The lake near Loowit boiled. Some of the animals escaped. Some of them died. None of them are around now, except bugs, and a few hawks and crows. A guy by the name of Harry got buried under lava and ash and things, because he though Loowit was a pretty sexy chick, too, even though she was a mountain, and he wouldn't leave. (Harry got further immortalized by having a character named after him in "Twin Peaks." Yeah, like being immortalized, and having eternal life ever did ANYBODY any good...?)
(...of course, this all just goes to show that women can be badasses too... Doesn't ALWAYS take a macho young warrior...)
The moral of the story?
Erleichda.
Chill.
Breathe a little.
Relax.
And knock it off with the FIRE already.
Last year it was planes. Three years ago, I was in a hotel room playing dress-up all by myself because some crazed lunatic had come to my dad's house and threatened the family, because my dad had been macking it with the lunatic's ex-wife, and my dad had to evacuate the family from the house.
Two years ago, Norman told me he loved me for the first time: told me he loved me, played me a song, and curled up next to me in his dark apartment, where planes and lunatics don't matter. There was peace. And love. And other rumbly, ecstatic feelings, like volcanoes must have, way down deep.
Some of you are likely bummed out that it's September 11th, because of the towers, and the consequent media coverage, and your fear for relatives and all. Just forget that stuff, and let me give you the peace of having somebody love you in a quiet, dark apartment. Nothing will ever hurt you in a place where somebody loves you, and gives you music, and sometimes tells you stories about Mount Saint Helen's. Be there. Forget planes and fear. Let the divine things in mountains and beautiful people lull you into a state of peace and joy today.
~Helena Thomas*