Feeling irritated, but not quite frustrated, at the world. Mostly the same old shit: most people have no sense of gratitude. I hate it when people just EXPECT things from me. "Can I get this?" "Can I have that?" I'm going to go back to implementing my cigarette-bumming system: if you're not the type of person who would bum me a cigarette, I'm not going to bum you one.
There's that old saying, and all: friends don't let friends have nic-fits. Similarly, friends don't let friends have chocolate cravings. And friends oughtn't buy dinner for themselves in front of their friends... right?
Ended up buying dinner for four people because I'd asked somebody to accompany me to the store. It's boring going to the store alone, after all. But after half an hour's worth of, "can I get some of this?" I've decided I'm going to the store on my own from now on. Come to think of it, the LAST time I went to the store with somebody -- a kid I barely even KNOW -- I got hit up for cigarette money. What the hell?
Friends don't let friends have nic-fits. And it's probably lousy to let stranger have nic-fits, also. It's also lousy to eat big yummy meals -- or purchase big yummy meals -- for people who don't HAVE big yummy meals.
But conversely, I spent a third of my month's food stamps on food today, most of which is going to be gone by tomorrow, and most of which isn't going to be consumed by me. And this because I was feeling generous to my friend... But I know damn well I wouldn't be afforded the same generosity.
Friends don't let friends have nic-fits.
But at this point, I feel like a sucker.
I was taught to share, no matter what, with friends. If you've got a cup of coffee, you share your mug with your friends so that they can get refills. If you take care of your friends, they will take care of you. And if they've got no way to "pay back" whatever you've given them, they'll pay you back with love and loyalty. That's one of the most important parts of the code of the Parlor City Commons Rats, if not THE most important part.
I guess I kind of thought that this was common knowledge, or at least common practice among friends and close acquaintances. I guess not.
Thinking about this now... A couple of days ago, somebody was passing around a bag of Skittles. I asked for some, and the answer was, "there's only six left."
I'm still too confused by that answer to know whether or not I ought to be hurt.
Likewise, I discovered a large quantity of my conditioner missing. No big deal; it's cheap and I can get more. I'm perfectly willing to share, like I said. But then, the next day, somebody was shrieking, "WHO DRANK MY ORANGE JUICE?" Perhaps the owner of the orange juice wans't the one who used the conditioner -- it doesn't even matter. But why flip out about shit like that? I don't understand this kind of greed.
And it IS greed. To me, it really seems like greed. It's people taking me for a sucker. And I'm complying, because that's what I've been taught.
Perhaps a lot of it has to do with Jake... Jake never had a dollar to his name. So I bought him whatever he wanted. Sometimes he thanked me. Usually, he just expected that I was an endless source of cash at his disposal and didn't bother thanking me. On the rare occasions that he had money, he bought himself video games and shit before asking if, perhaps, there was anything I needed or wanted. I got very used to that. Maybe it's a West Coast thing? Not saying I was never resentful, but I did honestly believe I wasn't being used. If, after all, Jake was repaying me with loyalty and love and a WILLINGNESS to help me out, to the best of his ability, if I needed it, then I thought I wasn't really being a sucker...
Right?
Friends don't let friends have nic-fits.
Friends don't let friends have food cravings.
Except... MY friends DO let me have food cravings. MY friends do not offer freely. Not the majority of them, in any case. A select few do. And Neil follows the code of the PCCR as if the universe's continued existence depended upon it. (I find it unbearably sweet to be thanked for a shitty fifty-cent doughnut and a Mountain Dew stolen from a fast food joint. My gahd, I think I could give him a bag of belly-button lint and it would move him to tears of gratitude... But then, Neil's always been a little different...) But I don't understand this business of "can you get me such-and-such?" when nothing is EVER offered in return, rarely even a thank you -- at least not one that didn't sound grudging. This is NOT the way I learned it. THIS is not the way I was taught.
I wish I knew how to teach this lesson to others. It was easy enough for me to learn it, I think.
Really, it just seems like common sense.
I suspect, though, that most individuals have little faith in their friends to "repay" them. I suppose that's the case more than it is a case of greed. That, anyway, is my more generous, more optimistic opinion.
I'm going to go do laundry now, and maybe clean something until I'm feeling less resentful and more understanding that it's just not something that most people have learned...
Friends don't let friends have nic-fits.
~Helena*